To: Claus, Santa (AKA Saint Nick, Santa, the fat annoying guy who is neither Louis Anderson or Drew Carey)
Dear Sir/Quasi Deity,
I am writing to you on behalf of my client Travis – asshole proprietor of whiskeyforbreakfast.com – in regards to your failure to complete your verbal contract of Christmas of 2005. In exchange for my client’s renewed faith in your mystical powers you were to deliver one (1) Giant robot death machine including giant missile firing robot penis. (please refer to diagram below and click for larger version).
Sir your failure to comply with your end of the deal has caused my client to reconsider his desire to overlook your felonious and morally questionable business acumen. In short, sir, you have left yourself exposed to the glaring light of public scrutiny.
However my client is not a person without reason and decency. He understands that you maintain a multinational conglomerate that employs a normally underutilized segment of the population and as such you do perform a beneficial service. In order for my client to “overlook” your dubious nature he has made a new list of demands for you to complete. While you may call this blackmail my client considers this to be aggressive negotiations that can benefit all parties.
The list that follows has been written by my client and it is our belief that through his own words you will see his earnest, and eager, desire to resolve this matter.
Item One: The Batmobile
I got into an accident last week and even though everything has turned out okay, and my car is being fixed, the rental sucks. Not only do I feel less safe in the rental than I did in my car immediately following the accident the rental lacks a few aesthetics.
First off the Ford Fusion, though a relatively decent commuter car, has no external armaments; either defensive or offensive. They say that if you fall off the horse your best bet is to get back on. Well I would feel a lot better getting back on the “Horse” if that “horse” was covered in armor that would handle a 50mm titanium jacketed shell. It would also make me feel more comfortable if that “horse” had gatlin guns on the front fenders. Why involve insurance companies? The next time I feel that I am about to get into an accident I can dump three thousand rounds of non-frangible ammo into traffic. Also, the Batmobile has an adapter for my Ipod and Cup Holders – both of which are essential for the modern commuter.
Item Three: The Ability To Grow Facial Hair.
Sadly my lot in life has been one cursed with the inability to grow facial hair. Can you imagine how hard that is? Neither sideburns, nor mustache, nor goatee, nor soul patch shall grace my face. It’s a very sad state of affairs really because I’ve always wanted to grow a Triple H/James Hetfield Handle Bar Stache of Doom. Truly that is the source of their powers.
Item Four: Adult Sized Feety Pajamas
Some of my fondest memories are of being child. And while most people would attribute those fond memories to being young and without worry; I attribute it to having clothing that covered me from head to toe. I felt sort of like a teddy bear and who doesn’t love teddy bears? I’ll tell you who: communists and terrorists. Well I, sir, am no fucking terrorist. Though I will preface this by saying you do not necessarily have to get me PJs with a buttflap. That’s the luxury model. And I’m already luxurious.
Item Five: Megan Fox
I don’t want to do anything sexual with her. I’m just hoping to mentor her along the righteous path- unlike my unsuccessful attempts with The Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love and Nick Nolte
Item Six: A Third Nipple That Magically Produces Single Barrel Scotch.
Don’t you judge me you fat bastard. You sneak into children’s homes and subsist on a diet of candy and cookies. If you didn’t have magical powers you’d have lost a foot to diabetes by now. Seriously though, that nipple thing, that would totally save me a shit load of cash and trips to BevMo.
Item Seven: The Slot Car Set Mentioned In Previous Letters.
Time to pay up dude.
Item Eight: A Scorpion Gun
I’ve been thinking about starting my own business for some time now and I think I finally created a product that everyone can get behind. This is a product that can be marketed to home owners, defense contractors, private security firms, public school teachers, the elderly and priests.
The Radioactive Scorpion Gun is based on a 40mm grenade launcher – except for the fact that it launches irradiated scorpions. I know what you’re thinking: “Who in the pancake eating shit is going to shoot radioactive scorpions at someone instead of using a regular gun?” Well the Radioactive Scorpion Gun – known as the RSG5 in law enforcement circles – allows you to employ possibly non-lethal force against a perpetrator instead of using deadly force. Not to mention the intimidation factor of having a FUCKING SCORPION FIRED AT YOU!!!!
As you can see Mr. Claus, my client is very serious about retribution for your breach of contract. Upon completion of this list of demands we will forget all about this whole pedophilia-breaking-and-entering enterprise you’ve embarked upon.
Dr. Reginald J. Skullington Esq.
Attorney at Law
PS- this is the only you’re getting Rudolph back alive.