My Dearest Internet,
I know I’ve been away a long time baby and I’m sorry. I know I promised you weekly content and that while I’ve been gone guys like Ellis Rodriguez have been uploading funny videos and that damn Rob Kroese has been out there peddling his funny books again while nary a dick joke have I uttered. I’ve left you all alone to be entertained by other men; and I’m so very sorry. You see, Internet, some crazy shit has gone down in the last couple of months and it’s required all of my attention – like In Real Life attention, and it’s a little scary out there.
First of all, Internet, my two little brothers moved in with me recently. They’re twelve and fifteen years old; and while I don’t feel comfortable talking about how they came to be in my charge I would like to share with a couple of things that I have learned about teenagers.
Item One: Teenagers are not human, they are made of compacted food stuffs upon which a garbage disposal has been mounted in place of a mouth.
Based on my observations that is the only conclusion I can come to. I’m certain that at one point in time I too was a teenager and in that same time ate more food than any small village could supply but seeing it from the perspective of a parent – I’m astonished. Here is a time line of what the fifteen year old ate in one day.
9:30am – Large bowl of cereal
10:00am – Three chicken patties
11:00am – a sandwich
12:30pm – Two packages of top ramen
1:00pm – A Bagel
2:30pm – Two microwaved burritos
3:00pm – An Entire Moose
4:00pm – cookies
It went on like this ALL DAY, and that’s only one teenager, in one day. I swear that they ate, in a weekend, an equivalent amount of food that would have lasted my wife and I two weeks. I would get them the lap-band surgery but both of them seem incapable of putting on a single pound. And I think that irks me more than anything else.
Item Two: Teenagers are incapable of breathing without speaking.
Somewhere in the evolutionary ladder between infant, adolescent and teenager a rung has gone missing. I say this because by the time most humans reach adulthood they are capable of breathing without opening their mouths and making noise; not so in the case of the common teenager. That is the only conclusion that one can draw when one witnesses a twelve year old running around the house singing, “I’m only talking to hear myself speak.”
Other than that; they’re great kids. And my son seems to enjoy their company.
As long as they do EXACTLYwhat he says!
See Internet, how did that feel? A nice numbered list of funny. I know what you like. I may not write for cracked.com but I know what you’re into..
The other thing is; my grandpa died, and that threw a real emotional monkey wrench in my endeavours to write dickcentric humor.
My grandpa raised me Internet and he was more like a father than anything else and now that he’s gone the world seems a little darker than before. If I’d ever have to replace Atlas as the man holding up the world it would have been my grandfather. He taught me what it meant to be a man, a husband and a father. He was the penultimate man and I’m sorry to see him go. I’m sorry that my son will grow up without his guiding hand. He was the truest and greatest man I had ever met. I learned, at his funeral no less, that he did so much work for the girl scouts with my mom that they held a banquet in his honor and made him an honorary Girl Scout. It takes a man with balls of steel to be a girl scout and still be considered one of the greatest men I’ve ever met. And I miss him terribly.
You see Internet,it’s not just about jokes,sometimes it’s about honesty. And honestly, these past two months have been some of the hardest in my life. Even harder than that time some cock-stain of a reporter attempted to make his career off of a story that cost me mine. But I promise you, my dear sweet Internet, that I’ll be back on the comedy horse again soon.
You’ve always been there for me Internet with your memes and lolcats, your never ending porno volcano and for better or worse, I’ll never leave you again.
I’m back Internet. Let’s have some fun again, just like the old times.