A New Public Service Announcement

This is a public service announcement from whiskeyforbreakfast.com – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Fellas this topic is a bit taboo but if we don’t talk about it; who will?

Guys, it’s time to talk about shaving your pubes.

Think about it this way: As a guy you don’t want to be in the advantageous position of possibly dining at The Y only to find out that your face is about to Lewis and Clark it’s way through a dense jungle of nasty do you? Hell no you don’t. So if you don’t want to be in that situation what makes you think that your girl wants to take a taste of your hair covered man-cicle? Precisely. Nothing will turn a girl away from a party in your pants faster than finding out that you’ve got a Don King hairdo resting above your Slick-Rick Johnson.

A point of clarification before we move deeper into this; I’m not telling you to retrograde your region to moments of pre-pubescence but at the very least you need trim up the ole front lawn.

The first question you’re probably asking yourself is why in the corn-fed hell would you want to shave your pubes? Other than obvious answer of “it pleases the women” the second answer is that it will bring you great happiness as well. Allow me to elucidate this fact: have you ever, on a whim, shaved your head? How wicked crazy does it feel the first time a cool breeze blows across your bare scalp? Pretty great right? Now imagine that crazy feeling on your crotch, except instead of a cool breeze it’s a girl’s face.

I’ll pause to let you contemplate the awesomeness of both that idea and that written statement.

The second question boring it’s way through your skull is most likely: Travis this sounds like the most awesome idea since a live action Thundercats movie, but I’m overwhelmed, how do I make this goodness a part of my life?

I knew you’d ask.

The first thing you’re going to need is a beard trimmer. It doesn’t matter what name brand but make sure that it’s got adjustable guards it’s rechargeable and cordless. Not being tethered to the wall makes it easier to take care of business in an area that is easy for clean up, but it also makes clearing the playing field on the go a viable option. Make sure you start off using the beard trimmer and not a razor. A razor won’t cut the hair so much as rip it out at the roots and having your man-town fun zone looking like a napalmed village inspires no one towards wang-fun-ification.

The second thing you’ll want is a cream based after-shave lotion. Not only will it cure your newly discovered groin irritation but also if you use the right one it should leave your junk compartment smelling a little like Burt Reynolds. And there is no finer, or faster acting aphrodisiac than anything that directly relates to Burt Reynolds.

I’m not going to over the intricacies of actually trimming down fun-town but I will offer the following advice from a perspective of experience.

If you do decide to go for the full Brazilian – known as the “nuke-and-pave” in the adult film industry – make sure that you take care to get rid of the rest of the hair on your abdomen. Nothing looks sillier than you having a hairy chest, hairy legs and a spotless crotch. If you don’t heed my advice then be prepared for your young lady to laugh when it looks like you have male pattern baldness on your balls.

Speaking of balls, it’s important not to forget your undercarriage. If you were buying a car and – while the top looked great – the underside of the car looked like a pile of steaming, wet, ass … wouldn’t you think twice about the transaction? Yeah, you would. And so will she.

The last piece of personal experience I can pass on is that for the first day or so it’s going to itch. There is nothing you can do to prevent the itch and it will occur at the most inopportune time so here’s some tips to get away with scratching your crotch in public:

The Under The Desk Sneak Attack
Your desk provides the best coverage for a necessary scratch at the freshly groomed wonder sack. While seated at your desk make sure your back is toward the entrance to your cubicle. Scoot your chair in as far as it will go and nonchalantly lay your hand in your lap allowing you to scratch undetected.

The Behind The Book Slip
While carrying a book or binder the tips of your fingers will be hidden from public view which will give you unfettered access to tending the needs of an itchy crotch. If necessary you can allow the book to slip a bit which will allow you to look like you are merely keeping your goods from falling to the floor when you are, in actuality, keeping your goods from driving you insane.

Pocket Protected Undetected
Put your hand in the top edge of your pocket, like you’re acting casually, allowing you to scratch with minimum effort and maximum result. This method has been employed by everyone from male models to grooms at the alter and is virtually undetectable.

Lastly if you want to spice up your adventure in the realm of the short curlies you might want to consider shapes and designs. The easiest way to create crotch-ornaments are to use old cookie cutters and playdough shapes.

Let’s take a look at a few of the more popular designs:

First up there’s the star shape, popular with wiccan crowd. After that is what is commonly referred to as The Bert (mostly gone with a little strip at the top). Then there’s the ginger bread man – which will give your woman the thought that you crotch is not only appealing but a delicious snack. And last up, the heart, always popular this time of year.

And if you’re low on cash this Valentine’s Day…this technically counts as a gift.

You’re Welcome

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There Are 13 Responses So Far. »

  1. Sometimes I’m embarassed to know you. Oddly enough, this is definitely not one of those times.

    Oh, and shaving your pubes? Totally not sexy. Unless your woman has fantasies about playing with fleshy earthworms.

  2. […] bookmarks tagged dense A New Public Service Announcement saved by 3 others     Littledarkmagician54 bookmarked on 02/12/08 | […]

  3. I’m very saddened that you did not address this issue of pubic stubble and… uhhmmm… friction… and the resulting discomfort thereof for your partners delicate parts. Look gents, if you are going to shave, you better be ready to commit. There is nothing that will put a girl OUT of the mood than feeling like she is being penetrated by the inside of a pin cushion.

    The more you know.

  4. Rebecca, this is why I have always recommended the trim technique. This technique uses the beard trimmer, but you leave it on a guard that keeps it reasonably short (1/4 inch or so) and keeps it as soft as pubes will ever get. It also leaves enough hair to remind your lovah that you’re a man and not an alter boy, while simultaneously preventing her from getting pubes in her teeth. Everybody wins.

    PS I’m the one who first introduced Travis to the idea of trimming. There was strip poker and a couple bottles of whiskey involed.

  5. Thanx travis, you saved my relationship with my girlfriend with this one. Let’s just see what my wife thinks.

  6. SWEET A THUNDERCATS LIVE ACTION MOVIE WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!

  7. I’m totally with Scott. . . live action Thundercats movie? As long as it doesn’t turn out like the musical Cats we’ll be ok.

    And this falls into the category of Things I Didn’t Need To Know About Travis!

  8. if your balls itch pre-shave are the same techniques still relevant?I am asking on behalf of a friend of course.

  9. I’ve been doing this for years. You forgot the Berrmuda Triangle shave.

  10. SWEET A THUNDERCATS LIVE ACTION MOVIE!!!

  11. frankly I could give a shit less what the ladies think! I personally just didn’t like looking in the mirror at that one eyed Scooby Doo chia pet. Before I took my pooch to the doggy groomer I was on the verge of creeping myself out!

  12. QofD: The same could be said of women. I dont like feeling like a pedophile when I make love to a woman who presents me with a skin taco with no fuzz. Ide also like to apologize for not having a mexican food metaphor for womens pubic hair.

  13. You have tested it and writing form your personal experience or you find some information online?

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