With Memorial Day having just passed we are now entering one of the most devastating annual disaster time frames that happens every year. This time of year is responsible for more death and destruction than tornado season, wild fires and earthquakes combined. What kind of phenomenon can cause this much havoc? Summer Blockbusters.
Along with a healthy dollop of AWESOME, and two full scoops of bacon flavored ass kicking- each and every year the summer blockbusters are responsible for destruction and death on a scale that most can’t imagine.
Michael Bay said that during the filming of Transformers they destroyed over 200 hundred cars. That’s just cars! Not to mention innumerable lives that are ruined during alien attacks like in Independence Day, meteor strikes such as Armageddon, property damage seen in movies like Gone in Sixty Seconds and possible terrorist actions as seen in the Die Hard series and other movies like The Rock. Each and every year millions of lives are affected by the events that occur during the summer blockbuster. And you could be next.
Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Bruce Wayne; they never expected to be at the center of a shitstorm of craziness. Even the average guy like Sam Witwicky from Transformers or Randal Raynes from gone in sixty seconds were ill-equipped when the hammer of fate came down upon them like four hundred pounds of cake on Oprah during one of her blimping up stages. But they survived their ordeals, and so can you.
I’m here to talk to you today about how to survive a summer blockbuster…should you find yourself inexplicably transported to a weird alternate dimension where Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer play god with the lives of innocent civilians.
In order to assess whether you’re actually in a summer blockbuster or if you’ve just landed yourself in the middle of a maelstrom of unfortunate happenstance; we’re going to answer a quick series of 10 questions:
- Is stuff blowing up around you?
- Is everyone shooting at stuff and conveniently hitting mostly walls and debris?
- Are you dodging gun fire?
- Are there ridiculous amounts of hot chicks everywhere?
- Are the unnaturally hot chicks drawn to you like a moth to a buglight?
- Have you done something ridiculously illegal yet still haven’t even been scolded for it?
- Are fantastical and amazing things happening all around you?
- Do you have a pivotal role in these fantastic events?
- Are aliens present anywhere in the world?
- Are you Shia Lebouf?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you are in a summer blockbuster and your life is going to be an unstoppable juggernatut of chaos as you watch everything around you circle the drain. Fortunately for you I have developed my patented system:
Step One: Stay the fucking hell away from major cities.
Almost every bad thing that takes place in a major motion picture is centered around a major city. New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington DC – these places are magnets for atrocities of Godzilla like proportions. Alien Attacks, Meteor strikes, costumed ne’er-do-wells executing chaos driven crime sprees, all of these things plague our metropolises. So do you self a favor: if you’re standing in downtown San Francisco and buildings start exploding and the subway starts spewing fire like a drunken sorority girl puking up Jaeger and roofies – pack up all of your stuff and head for the fucking wilderness. These kinds of things don’t happen in places like Roundup Montana.
A city the size of a postage stamp.
Red Dawn doesn’t count.
Step Two: Stay near the hot chick.
If you normally have the sex appeal of a burn victim and you suddenly find yourself in the enviable position of having a hot chick like Megan Fox lusting after you; you are holding on to your golden ticket to survival. They never kill the hot chick. Sure they might tease nudity, or show some tastefully artistic side boob, but the likely hood of her getting shot in the head or stepped on by a giant robot is slim to none. So stick to her like bad press on Britney Spears.
Step Three: Stay the hell away from national monuments.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of my years of rotting my brain with explosions and John Woo movies it’s that all trauma in the universe is attracted to national monuments. And not just our national monuments. Summer blockbusters have also been known to be an international affair, leaving grieving widows and devastated townsfolk in their money grubbing wake.
You’re probably saying, “But Travis, most national monuments are in big cities.” True, but some of them aren’t. Take Mount Rushmore for example. It’s in the middle of nowhere. So you’re sitting out in the middle of nowhere, with your finger buried two knuckles deep into your nose, thinking you’re safe because you’re in the middle of the wilderness when all of a sudden: BOOM
Alien space ship blows up the mountain and you’re crushed under Abe Lincoln’s severed stone head because you didn’t listen.
Bottom line: Stay the hell away from them.
Step four: Get a gun.
I don’t care if you’ve never fired a gun before in your life and the thought of pulling the trigger makes you wet your bed like a five year old. Get a gun. At some point during the film you’re going to be in the position of stopping the bad guy, saving the girl and riding off into the sunset but in order to do that you’re gonna need to shoot somebody. Mostly likely right in the face. Probably while doing a wheelie on a motorcycle and shooting two guns at the same time. And no matter that you’ve never touched a gun before in your life, you’ll wield that roscoe with ease and grace of an expert marksman. Despite the fact that you’re shaking like a dog shitting razor blades.
Step Five: Witty Banter
No hero should ever be without an arsenal of witty one-liners and snappy come backs. Many a hero has made bad guys quiver in their logo encrusted boots with the use of a snarky catchphrase or a quick quip. Dirty Harry made criminals piss their pants with “Go ahead, make my day.” The Terminator could cause entire cities to come to a hault with his signature “I’ll be back.” And John McClane put boot to terrorist ass on four separate TOTALLY FUCKING RADICAL OCASSIONS while uttering one of the greatest catch phrases ever muttered through gritted teeth, “Yippee Kay Yae Mother Fucker!” And so should you have a mighty bag of poignant and situationally relevant one liners or super hip non sequiturs.
If you follow these five simple steps you’ll make it out of your summer blockbuster ordeal a little bruised and a little battered but WAY better off than than the sacrificial comedic sidekick whose only job is to die in order to give you some emotional depth…or a cause for revenge.
And if you do indeed survive your summer blockbuster fiasco thanks to my patented system, make sure you tells those news reporters that Travis from WhiskeyForBreakfast.com saved your life.
Then, out of gratitude, introduce me to your new hot friend; Megan Fox. I promise we’ll send you a postcard from whatever exotic tropical resort we end up humping at.