Let’s all face facts here: I’m a loud mouthed, opinionated motherfucker who gets myself into trouble because sometimes I just don’t know when to shut my trap. Anyone who’s ever hung out with me will tell you that if you get a few drinks in me I’ll think that I’m the life of the party and that I fart comedy gold. And on more than one occasion I’ve run off at the mouth like a cheerleader after one too many shots of jaeger and gotten myself into trouble.
Like the first time I went sky diving for example.
I was out with some friends, drinking like the apocalypse was upon us, when I got an angry hair up my ass to go sky diving. It was a three day weekend and I figured I’d just quietly sneak off Monday morning and go jump out of a fucking plane. Why? Because I’m a fucking idiot; that’s why.
I figured it would be an impressive coup of coolness: disappear early Monday morning, come back three hours later.
“Hey dude, where’ve you been?”
“I went sky diving.” calm. cool. collected
But did I keep this idea to myself? Oh no. I started running my fucking pie hole to any person who’d listen about my surreptitious plan. By the end of the night everyone knew of my now not so secret plan to fling myself out of a perfectly good airplane.
Very. Fucking. Subtle.
So come Monday morning as I’m nursing a weekend long hangover I start getting phone calls from people who were drinking with me.
“So…big man, you gonna go jump out of a plane today?”
“What’s going on skydiver? You gonna get up the sack to back up your fucking mouth?”
So I pulled myself together and drove down to the airfield really not conscious of what the fuck I was doing and before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of the doorway of the airplane staring down at the ground 13,000 feet below me.
not pictured: me shitting my pants.
Why do I get myself into these situations?
So about a month ago I decided that it had been quite some time since I’d done something pants shittingly frightening and I started putting the idea out there that I was going to do something more sphincter clenching than jumping out of a plane. But did I keep this thought to myself? No, I told everyone. Including my mother.
What was my new brilliant plan?
I decided that I was going to do stand up comedy for the very first time.
And below is the video.