First Times.

Let’s all face facts here: I’m a loud mouthed, opinionated motherfucker who gets myself into trouble because sometimes I just don’t know when to shut my trap. Anyone who’s ever hung out with me will tell you that if you get a few drinks in me I’ll think that I’m the life of the party and that I fart comedy gold. And on more than one occasion I’ve run off at the mouth like a cheerleader after one too many shots of jaeger and gotten myself into trouble.

Like the first time I went sky diving for example.

I was out with some friends, drinking like the apocalypse was upon us, when I got an angry hair up my ass to go sky diving. It was a three day weekend and I figured I’d just quietly sneak off Monday morning and go jump out of a fucking plane. Why? Because I’m a fucking idiot; that’s why.

I figured it would be an impressive coup of coolness: disappear early Monday morning, come back three hours later.

“Hey dude, where’ve you been?”

“I went sky diving.” calm. cool. collected

But did I keep this idea to myself? Oh no. I started running my fucking pie hole to any person who’d listen about my surreptitious plan. By the end of the night everyone knew of my now not so secret plan to fling myself out of a perfectly good airplane.

Very. Fucking. Subtle.

So come Monday morning as I’m nursing a weekend long hangover I start getting phone calls from people who were drinking with me.

“So…big man, you gonna go jump out of a plane today?”

“What’s going on skydiver? You gonna get up the sack to back up your fucking mouth?”

So I pulled myself together and drove down to the airfield really not conscious of what the fuck I was doing and before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of the doorway of the airplane staring down at the ground 13,000 feet below me.

not pictured: me shitting my pants.

Why do I get myself into these situations?

So about a month ago I decided that it had been quite some time since I’d done something pants shittingly frightening and I started putting the idea out there that I was going to do something more sphincter clenching than jumping out of a plane. But did I keep this thought to myself? No, I told everyone. Including my mother.

What was my new brilliant plan?

I decided that I was going to do stand up comedy for the very first time.

And below is the video.

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There Are 29 Responses So Far. »

  1. So, congratulations! It’s about fucking time!

  2. What a great fucking show. I’m glad I was able to go.

    When Bryan and I get our radio show going, I think you should be our first guest.

  3. I can’t bring myself to watch it!

    …and what about the SECOND time you went skydiving?

  4. Molly: The second time was fun but they made me wear that ridiculous power ranger outfit. And just watch the damn video.

    Cameron: Glad you liked it dude. And when you get your show, let me know.

    Christy: Thanks

  5. Yep, still funny….and im not even drunk this time.

    And look ma im a star! I can hear my own laugh in that there video! hahahaha….

    That had to be loads of fun doing stand up first time in front a room full of strangers, your parents, and some chicks you haven’t seen since high school who aren’t even high this time around. :)

    Honestly, it was fun-im glad Jess and I went.You did great, I laughed my arse off….must must do it again sometime.

  6. oh and P.S.

    am I the only one that saw the title of this damn thing and thought “Fist times? WTF? When did Travis take a fist up his….”

    Fuck…its early, must go get the coffee rolling

  7. The suspense is killing me-can’t watch the vid until I get shoreside! I read the title as Fist Times, too, but then I’ve been at sea for a month and entertainment can get pretty limited out here…

  8. You fucking killed on Wednesday. I would have hated to be the guy that came on right after you.

  9. BTW, my mom saw the clip and still thinks you’re adorable. How can someone be so vulgar and still pull off the adorable vibe? You bastard.

  10. good job dude! i was excited there was a video because i didn’t hear about it until after it was done. impressive. when is you’r next appearance?

  11. watching you perform for the first time, without a drink in your hand, reminded me of the first time I thought I was getting laid.There was no actual penetration,just me fucking a couch while Megan Roberts(now married to a south texas councilman)faked it so she wouldn’t have to deal with the monster in my pants .I was extremely proud of myself that night, as you should be as well.

  12. Travis, great job! You looked very natural up there.

  13. YAY TRAVIS! I LOVE IT! I am so proud of you! It takes big ass balls to get up and do something like that! I was just on a reality show, I should know. hHAAHAH

    Good job! Jessica

  14. Sorry I missed it. You’ll do it again, yes?

  15. Very funny Travis. You should do this more often, give a little more notice next time! Hope the poop washed out of your pants!! Way to go!

  16. You really were great! Had an awesome time.

  17. Alright, I feel like a total heel for not making it out for this one and now that I watched the video I’m sorry I didn’t. Holy crap are you funny! Good job, when’s the next one?

  18. hey congrats dude, very good shit. too bad it’s california and you cant smoke in there and get all Dennis Leary and whatnot

  19. Damn man. That shit was funny as fuck. You got skills kid.

  20. Congrats man. That shit was hilarious!

  21. Do some more please !!!!

  22. dude.
    balls.
    You have a serious set of.
    Great job

  23. Travis, thank you so much for posting this. You rocked. Please post when you are going to do another open mic night – I want to be there.

  24. That was awesome!! I just got a chance to watch it! You are so professional and funny as hell!! Congrats and let me know if you tour down here… :)

  25. Your MOM was there? So you DO kiss your mother with that mouth. Shame on you.

  26. Dammit Travis. Why did you have to go and schedule the next one for a night when I’d been in SC? Damn you. Damn you with a red hot gooey passion!

  27. My question would be why did you schedule a vacation during a time when I’d be doing stand up?

  28. Dude, the video is down. Didn’t get the chance to see it.

  29. Travis, that was hilarious. What are you doing these days? Saw that article in the AF Times a while back, but I haven’t heard anything from you.

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