The Review Of Wanted

I’ve been working fifteen hour days lately because California is literally burning to the ground and I’ve been on emergency watch in order to ensure my supply of Porno and BBQ sauce doesn’t go up in flames. I’ve literally been doing nothing but working, commuting and sleeping. But I did manage to squeeze in a trip to the multiplex to treat my eyeballs to the gun candy that is Wanted.

Ever since I saw the first trailers for Wanted I have salivated at the mere mention of its name. I was so excited to see this film that I actually wrote the following two months ago: In Wanted, Hollywood has finally put together all of the key ingredients to make the ultimate three course meal of awesome.

The Appetizer – Hyper realistic concept of a secret society of assassins who are so dedicated to their craft that they design their own specialized bullets.

The Main Course – Bullet Bending. Not since Equilibrium’s Gun Kata has a film reinvented and restylized the use of guns in film.

The Desert – A shot of Angelina Jolie walking away from the camera naked.

Somehow, instead of producing a steak and taters meal of explosions and exposed tits; the makers of this movie have foisted upon the viewing audience a shit sandwich of a film that fails to live up to its own hype.

Look Hollywood, I’m willing to suspend my belief when it comes to almost any movie. Giant robots from outerspace that can transform into cars? I’m on board. People being kept alive by computers within an artificial reality so that they can use the people as a power source? I’m in. But the sloppy pile of wet ass that is this movie just pisses all over the good will of the viewing audience.

First off exactly how are we supposed to invest ourselves in the main character when you throw him into this wild world based around avenging a father that he never knew?

Fox: Hi, some dude killed your dad.

Wesley: The dad that, up until you introduced yourself, I thought had been dead since I was an infant? The dad I’ve never met and never gave a shit about? The same guy who, according to the way he abandoned me, wouldn’t piss on my face if it was on fire? That dad?

Fox: Yeah, that guy. If you can manifest enough faux teenage angst, maybe cut yourself and dye your hair, over the loss of your absentee parent I will train you to be a killing and fucking juggernaut.

Wesley: Well in that case my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my…

Fox: Wrong movie.

Wesley: Oh shit, sorry…but yeah, fuck that guy.
Are we gonna hump now?

What kind of cheese dick motivation is this? Honestly; this is how you expect us to buy intot eh character’s motivation? At least in the comic book Mark Milar made it pretty cut and dry.

Fox: Wesley, your life is pathetic and you’re a fucking sissy. You the only way you could be more of a flapping vagina is if you had a tampon embedded in your candy ass face. But your father, against his better judgment, asked us to show you how to grow a sack large enough to crush a watermelon. And not to deny a dying man his last wish – I’m here to teach you how to be a supervillain. Come with me and you’ll live a life of excess that even your most fetishist fantasies couldn’t touch. You’ll pillage, murder, fuck like a porn star and stomp hippie’s crotches into dust with complete impunity. Or you can say no and I’ll kill you right now ending your pointless life.

Wesley: Let’s fuckin’ do this shit.

See what happens in the second scenario? No false emotional investment just two options: come learn how to be “Fuckin-A” awesome or die the same way you’ve lived; pathetic and impotently. And who can’t get behind the idea of a guy who just wants to be super awesome?

And as long as we’re throwing Mark Milar’s ingenious story out the window – we’re going to need a new reason to explain to our protagonist why he should now embrace the idea of killing indiscriminately. Should we come up with a story about divine mandate? Maybe we could explain it with a story about being a part of a secret government agency that kills for the betterment of man kind?

No wait, I’ve got a better idea: A magical sewing machine that supposedly spits out random binary code that somehow equals the names of people that need to be killed. Other than the obvious and glaring logic gap – or the fundamental question: Which mongoloid first saw screwed up threads on a blanket and decided that it meant they should kill someone – why in the hell would anyone, let alone generations buy into this bullshit?

But I will give you donkey fuckers credit – this movie had some amazing special effects shots. The flipping of the car, that amazing parking lot rescue, that one scene where the guy bursts through the glass – all of them were absolutely astounding. And I saw every single fucking one in the previews. That’s right, you guys allowed your marketing campaign to give away every single distinct and signature shot of your film away for free, good job assholes. Imagine if the preview for Empire Strikes Back had ended with a close up of Darth Vader looking down at Luke and revealing the big twist that he’s Luke’s father – a plot twist this movie steals unapologetically. All you had was matrix like effects shots and you handed them all out months before the movie.

But there was one thing you hadn’t given away or fucked up – the final battle. By Hollywood doctrine a gun slinging movie of this caliber must have an epic final fight that puts all other fights to shame. it must employ all of the mystical fighting abilities we have learned throughout the film and eventually our hero must face down the main bad guy. If you look at the matrix – only one of the litany of films you blatantly ripped off for this shit fest – that final battle lasted the entire last third of the movie. Surely this movie had to top that. And as Wesley ran through an entire textile mill – somehow killing professional assassins after only being a killer for a mere six whole days, but…whatever – my heart raced. As Wesley walked into that circular room, surrounded by the elite of the world’s greatest killers, all of whom who could bend bullets and who could wield a gun the way Michaelangelo could wield a paintbrush, an anticipatory boner grew in my pants.

Oh god the possibilities. Possibilities that could have put every action movie to shame. In my mind the film makers were going to put the first Matrix film, Equilibrium, 300, every Quentin Tarantino mexican stand off and every John Woo movie into a big blender, set that motherfucker on “kick ass”, and dish up a milkshake that would give even the most impotent of men a hard-on you could hammer a nail with. 12 super assassin bad guys against 1 superassassin good guy in a round room in a world where bullets can fly in circles…this should motherfucking rule.

Oops, I fucked up, wrong again.

In a movie where character development was obviously something that ended up on the cutting room floor, Angelina Jolie’s character decides that they’ve all been horribly led astray and kills all of the other bad guys – killing herself – with a 360 degree circular shot that makes the “Oswald magic bullet theory” almost plausible. This is all I get? No super show down? Just one miniscule, emo induced change of heart and that’s it? That’s like watching a porno and just as it gets to the money shot both of the actors stop fucking and go, “This is irresponsible. We really should have considered the consequences of our actions.” Then they get dressed and go to Olive Garden.

What I was expecting to revitalize and revolutionize the entire gun slinging genre of film making just ended up being the cinematic equivalent of blue balls. And if I wanted blue balls I’d drop money at a strip club, not the fucking multiplex.


There Are 13 Responses So Far. »

  1. Thank you for this public service announcement. My husband wanted to go see this movie and there was no way I was going to be dragged to see what I knew would be a $30 night out to see something that would require me giving hours worth of sympathy blow jobs to help him get over.

    Thanks Travis. You just saved me a few hours. And a tub of chapstick.

  2. Disagree. On many things. First, he did decide his life was shit and said fuck it. Maybe not as well as they did in the comic, but bashing his best friend’s face in with a keyboard was definately a good way to say “I’m done with my old life, bring on the killing.”
    It was definately more than six days from beginning to ned.
    The loom of fate didn’t bother me. If they take out the super villian from the comics and put in assassin, wanting us to believe in our hero, he couldn’t just kill because he didn’t like your outfit. He had to kill for a reason, even if the reason is fate told him to.
    It wasn’t just the last bullet bending battle, it was him getting into the room with everyone else. How he got back into the compound, that sort of thing.
    I also enjoyed the small things they did to develop the characters. Fox’s tattoos that included her own binary code and the design on the gun melding into her hand. Wesley’s transformation. Stuff like that. I found it worth my money.

  3. You didn’t answer the most important question. Was the naked shot of Angelina a good one or another shitty teaser?

  4. Oh the naked shot was a great one of her ass…and very snack worthy indeed.

  5. told you so

  6. wait. Will there or will there not be a sympathy blowjob after bringing a date to this movie? $30 is thirty dollars, and with this economy I have to watch my bj budget.

    I can live through a bad movie for benifits. ever seen “An Affair to Remember”? tooo many times. but.. with benifits.

  7. Interesting rating system Mr. Bud. Is there a movie bad enough that it’s not worthit for the blowjob?

  8. The naked shot of Jolie’s ass was not snack worthy at all. Maybe worth a nice bottled water. But pretty much the whole movie was a let down.

  9. I TOLD EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. James McAvoy is always hot. And that movie was the epitome of escapist movies. I tried to think about the plot and it literally hurt.

  11. they might as well have just had jolie’s part played by jon voight’s penis, it would be the same effect: “oooh thats where angelina came from! too bad the rest of this movie is shit!” or how about Billy Bob thorntons penis? “Ohhh thats the dick that was in Jolie’s sweet sweet cooch! too bad the rest of the movie is shit!” oh Travis it could even be played by your penis! “oooh this is the dick that should be probing and prodding every crevace of jolie’s glistening masterbation fodder body! too bad the rest of the movie is shit!” so why do I suggest that all these penises be in the movie instead of jolie? well it could be that I smoke pole, but since I dont then it must be because this movie made me feel like I was being bukkaked on by hollywood!!!!! but luckily jolie’s snacky cakes cant bukkake on me.

  12. Okay… First off, I think this is pretty much right on the money. Granted I’m a month or so late I finally just saw the flick and was disappointed as well. Secondly, my personality disorder requires that I point out the smallest of typeing/spelling issues so that I feel better about myself. With that in mind just remember that any “dessert” (including coconut pinapple icecream) is twice as good (as in two S’s) as any “desert” (as in mojave). Also get ahold of that space bar, I counted two space errors, doesn’t your page editor software emploee some sort of spell checker?

    That all being said, I would like to add that I’m reading this while drunk, drinking alone at the bar, on my cell phone. So the points of fault I point out in the article don’t quite elevate me above my own self loathing…

    Keep up the good work yo…


  13. The point of the Fox/circular bullet shot is that you see her fall when she’s hit in the head by a bullet that’s just gone through twelve other people. Ergo, she’ll be back for the next one. Hopefully with one glowing red eye.

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