Fancy food has fast become the haute couture dejour in this day and age. With the Food Network touting gastronomic feats of fancy like Iron Chef and the Travel Channel boasting programming of epicurean Russian roulette like Bizarre Foods and No Reservations it’s easy to see why cooking has become so socially captivating. With the internet making exotic recipes and food culture easily accessible it’s also not hard to see why the world has become so caught up in the extravaganza of fancy foods. Well I have an announcement for all of you burgeoning foodies: Give it up. The art of creating cuisine has officially reached its peak.
I hereby present to you the epitome, the apogee, the quintessence of prepared food.
The Angry Whooper.
That’s right, Burger King has taken the American Classic and imbued it with hate.
I’m no corporate food scientist – or “Foodentist” if you will – but if their gallant advertising campaign is any indication the Angry Whopper is comprised of everything tasty that goes on a regular burger but only after it’s been dipped in radical and slapped in the balls.
The pantheon of American fast food burgers is steeped in a rich a storied history, and for the Angry Whopper to so quickly scale its cholesterol addled Mount Olympus is no ordinary feat. Let’s take a look at some of the narrative of the fast food super burger to truly understand both the riches of their past and the great strides of invention in this industry.
The Big Mac:
Arguably the original of the super burger, the Big mac was created by Ray Croc in 1968 following a horrifyingly bloody mafia turf war. Looking to dispose of the remains of his enemies in the most efficient and cost effective manner Croc concocted a larger burger with two patties instead of the original one. The Big Mac – named after Croc’s chief food mafia rival; Harold “Mac n’ Cheese” MacMillan – allowed the McDonald’s founder to expeditiously scrap all evidence of the blood shed and capitalize on the traveling publics increasing hunger demands.*
Grand daddy to the now infamous Angry Whopper. The Whopper was created in a Burger King product development meeting where – furious over McDonald’s cornering of the larger burger market – an executive high on mushrooms abruptly interrupted the meeting by standing up, unzipping his pants and screaming, “Hows about you make a burger as big this!” while slapping his engorged genitalia on the board room table. John Holmes then went on to be an even bigger dick within the adult film industry.*
Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger:
Jack in the Box waded into the meal time war a bit late, but brought with it a burger that was to set the bar for both decadence and bacon. The Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger. Urgay Helmetluff was a Ugandan refugee who fled his familial pig farm during the peasant uprising of 1987. Considered the George Washington Carver of the swine set Urgay floated to America on a raft cobbled together from pig skin and used Mc Hammer pants. Upon his arrival in the greatest nation he had one desire: to intensify the American desire for the greatest product known to man: BACON!*
Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger:
Clint Eastwood spent three days on a dude ranch in south western Montana prior to filming Fistful of Dollars. While there he was kicked in the anus by his steed during a moment of lackadaisical equine husbandry. The resulting rush of endorphins put him in to a momentary synapse overload wherein he experienced extreme auditory and visual hallucinations. Coming out of his stupor a member of the medical staff reported that Clint was muttering about seeing the face of god. A face covered in bacon, onion rings, and the true blood of christ: BBQ sauce.**
Holding the championship for recent recorded history the Baconator answered the quintessential question: Bacon? How about; Fuck yes Bacon!**
As you can see having a gauntlet of this nature thrown down, and overcoming it, is no easy feat. But the Angry Whopper did it with style, grace and a John McClane grimace – easily overcoming the reigning record holder – The Baconator.
Obviously after watching the compelling commercial of the food being yelled at prior to preperation and the obvious corporate diagram one can only make the logical conclusion, “I gotta get that goodness in me.” So I jumped in the Batmobile and sped down to the local Burger King where I was astonished to find that the Angry Whopper comes in not one, but three; COUNT ‘EM – THREE SIZES: Ridiculous, Gut Bomb, & Colon Missile. Being a man of adventurous spirit, and Herculean colonic fortitude, I chose the third option and never looked back.
Not even when the burger reached up out of my to go bag and slapped me in the face.
Lacking in proper foodentist vernacular i can only describe this burger as “Cramming your face full of unparalleled YIPPEEE!!!!!!!”
A quick word of warning before you ultimately dash out with a pressing urge to catapult bucket loads of totally bad ass into your food hole: Eating this burger is like asking your insides to go twelve rounds with Apollo Creed, Hulk Hogan, UFC Heavyweight Champ Brock Lesnar and Chewbacca all at once. But It’s worth it. It’s so fucking worth it. Even following the Godzilla vs. Rodan butt battle that was destroying the downtown Tokyo of my intestines, I still went out and got another one the very next day.