It must SUCK to be Marty McFly

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Like many people my age the “Back to the Future” movies hold a special place in my heart. They are not unlike religious tomes to be poured over and studied. I make a point to watch these flicks at least once a month. Recently, however, I realized something that had never occurred to me in my many previous viewings of these seminal films. If you really take the time to consider the facts of the story the only thing that Marty McFly has to look forward to is sadness, second guessing and the realization that his closest friend is a mad man whose morals are questionable, intelligence is flawed and who’s scientific reasoning lies somewhere beyond that of Dr. Frankenstein. After all of their adventures one can only conclude that it must suck to be Marty McFly.

Reason One: It appears that teenage Marty only has one friend; that friend being a mad scientist three to four times his age.

In the entirety of the Back To The Future series there is only one mention of any acquaintance of Marty’s outside of the wild-eyed man who would become Judge Doom of Roger Rabbit fame and that is when Marty’s band fails to win the approval to play the prom.

these people on stage are my only friends. can I have a hug now?

That’s it. That is literally the only time that any one of Marty’s tangential acquaintances is mentioned. Other than that he is in the constant company of a 45-60 year old recluse whose only desire appears to be fucking with Marty’s Family. At no point in the entire series do we ever discover how Marty and Doc Brown come to be friends. We take for granted the fact that Marty is close enough friends with a man three times his age that this “friend” can demand the presence of an underage boy at a mall at one in the morning and Marty will comply without question. Based on Marty’s parent’s reaction to the idea that he wants to go to the lake with a girl his age – which need I remind you his mother was STOUTLY against – one must assume that this Doc Brown/Marty McFly “friendship” is one of many secrets that Marty has kept from his family.

Hey there 15 year old boy; it’s me, a 45 year old man. Meet me in the mall parking lot at 1am and don’t forget to bring my video camera. No. Nothing bad is going to happen. Why do you ask?

It has to be a shitty existence when one’s only friend is an aging mad-man who puts your life at risk with the same forethought that most people order pizza.

Reason Two: His life has peaked.

Remember for a moment the greatest moment in the life of Al Bundy:  four touchdowns in a single game at Polk High. That moment consumed him. It was the one good thing that he clung to as his life spiraled deeper and deeper into the suffering asshole of mediocrity. Now imagine you’re Marty McFly. You spent roughly three weeks of your sophomore or junior year in high school traveling through time saving your parents, your children and your best friend. You have literally seen how you personally affected the past, present and future of the lives of all of the people you love and respect. You have personally seen the laws of physics and reality bend to your will and, with very few exceptions, you can tell absolutely no one about it.

Where the fuck do you go from there?

Down. You go straight the fuck down.

No amount of fame, fortune or excess is ever going to take the place of the fact that you’ve done the impossible. Marty is going to spend the rest of his life attempting to recapture the glory and thrill that he got by traveling through time and unless Doc Brown gives him a DeLorean of his own for his birthday, he’ll never recapture it. That’s the kind of thing that can tear a man a part. Imagine how horrid your life would be if you knew that no matter how hard you worked, how much you achieved, you will never feel the elation and satisfaction that you felt as a fifteen year old.

Reason Three: He’s going to second guess everything and never be satisfied without a do over.

One of the most amazing things about a linear existence is the constant question that one must ask one’s self: What if? Some people obsess over what if, some people day dream, but Marty McFly has personally seen what happens when one can make a “what if” a reality. He’s witnessed how quickly a few key moments can forever alter the entirety of a person’s life;  it’s something that he’ll never be able to let go and it’s going to drive him mad.

At the of end of Back To The Future 3, regardless of all statement to the contrary, Doc Brown has built a new time machine. This means that not only is he perfectly okay with the idea of continuing to travel through time at the expense of all of those around him he relishes the ability to do so. How is he going to convince Marty that traveling through time to fix his own fuck ups is a bad idea? He can’t. He has absolutely no leg to stand when it comes to taking a self righteous stance on the topic of not fucking the time continuum.

Didn’t get that job you wanted? Fuck it. Why not do the interview over again?

Your band flub that audition that would have netted you that lucrative record contract? What’s stopping you from going back in time and getting it right?

Missed your chance to fuck that pretty girl at the bar? Jump in the DeLorean and do it all over again.

These are the kinds of things that are going to forever plague Marty McFly and any time Doc Brown tells him that it’s unethical to do so all Marty is going to do is point accusingly at Mrs. Brown, the teacher who was supposed to die by falling off a cliff and his two kids, who never should have been born and Doc will cave and Marty will keep getting multiple chances to get his life just the way he wants it. And if he doesn’t there’s no telling how he’ll react.

and that’s when I said, “Fuck the time continuum,” and then we did it.

Reason Four: He and Jennifer know too much about their future, if they do anything other than what they’ve already seen it will destroy them.

I don’t talk to the girl I dated my junior year in high school. To be honest I don’t even remember her name, but I’m sure at that time she was the end-all be-all of my romantic world. And certainly, like most idiots in high school, I probably thought it was going to last forever. But it normally never does. As you go through your life romantic interests will change, and the people whose naughty bits you’re interested in will come in and out of you life. This is normal.

Marty and Jennifer, on the other hand, seem to be one of the rare ones; the couple that dated in high school and made it through the rest of their lives blissfully in love. And they both know it because they’ve seen that very thing, and now they’re doomed to that very thing – whether they want it or not.

Never allowed to fall out of love. Never allowed to even experience feelings for or, for that matter, sex with, anyone else. EVER. For the rest of their lives. They say that most men peak, sexually, at 18. Marty has flat-lined at 16.

After looking at all of these things it’s reasonable to assume that the rest of Marty McFly’s life is going to suck. There is no more adventure for him. No real second guessing of what’s to come. The adventure that is life; the ups and downs, the never ending possibility of what may come – all of these things that give life its tasty, spicy tang – they’ve all gone bland for Marty. These things are unfortunately made even worse by the hypocritical stance that Doc Brown has taken on time travel: It’s fine if he travels through time saving teachers and creating fugitive time spawn but Marty’s not allowed to even make some safe gambling bets and raise his quality of living.

The best thing that Marty could ever do would be to get a hold of that DeLorean one last time and travel back to October 25th, 1985 and knock himself out cold before he ever went to meet Doc at the Twin Pines Mall. Sure he’d never get travel through time, but that’s the only thing that may make his life worth living again.

let’s see if you bastards can do 90


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