Mother Nature’s A Bitch

It’s official: Mother Nature is a BITCH.  She is not a kind-hearted guiding spirit – she’s an angry child holding an ant farm and shaking that sonuvabitch for all it’s worth.  How else would you explain Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Earthquakes, Volcanos and the mere fact that a boulder hasn’t landed on Kim Kardashian’s head?  All things considered Mother Nature is evil and you only exist at her mere whim. For God’s sake Mother Nature killed off the dinosaurs.  If it weren’t for her I could have ridden to work on a triceratops and scared little kids off of my lawn with an angry pack of velociraptors.

And if there mere fact that you don’t get to watch Dinomerican Gladiators, or Dino Polo, or illegal underground Dino Death Matches just because mother earth got her panties in a twist and is, apparently, allergic to all things that are crazy bad ass isn’t enough to convince of the kind of vindictive malcontent that she truly is then take a lot at this bad boy.

That is a picture of a snake.  Not just any snake but a South American –  all horror is made of this – Anaconda.  The Anaconda has been known to grow up to eighteen to twenty feet in length and eats deers…WHOLE.  I want you picture something in your head.  Picture walking out to your front yard and seeing an earth worm on the ground.  Said earth worm then turns it’s head towards you, it’s eyes light up like the stank covered bowels of hell and it proceeds to crush and devour your CHIHUAHUA!

This is why snakes scare the hell out of me.

Though admittedly my fear of snakes originally stems from a movie called Dreamscape in which a man spontaneously sprouted a giant cobra head.  I saw that movie when I was four years old and while I remember nothing about the actual film it seemed like a perfectly sane idea – to my four year old brain – that in my sleep cobra headed snake men would come through the closet portal and take me back to their hell world.  And I’ve had that reoccurring nightmare ever since.

Now I know what you’re saying. “Travis, you’re being an alarmist.  You’re over reacting and Mama Nature really isn’t that bad.”

Really?  Not that bad? Then take a look at this.

Scientists recently discovered, in northeastern Colombia, a fossil of snake that lived 60 million years ago. Based upon the size of the fossilized vertebrae scientist did some math junk and determined that this horror creature,  called the TITANOBOA – which is a more sciencey name than the one I would have given it: SNAKEZILLA; KING OF REPTILES AND CAUSING ME TO SHIT MY PANTS IN FEAR – would have been up to 42 feet in length, it’s body would have been so large that while lying on the ground it would have been as tall as a man’s hips,  and it dined on alligators and crocodiles. Now I realize that without a frame of reference it’s difficult to imagine how large this creature would have been.  So here’s a diagram to give you a better understanding.

One article even states that Jason Head, the lead paleontologist and author of the study, “just about screamed when he first saw the size of the fossils.” Fortunately for him and his career they left out the part where he began openly weeping while curled on the ground in the fetal position clutching a blanket.

Still not convinced that the earth is out to get us?  Then I postulate the following:

If it’s a widely accepted fact that the earth goes through cycles of heating and cooling.  And it’s a widely accepted fact that we are currently in a trend of global warming. And it’s scientific fact that cold blooded animals – called poikilotherms – maintain their body temperature in accordance without the outside ambient temperature.  And it’s a scientific fact that as the ambient temperature rises the metabolism of these cold blooded creatures increases allowing them to consume more food and metastisize that into energy, and as they do this they grow bigger we can only  come to one conclusion:  THESE THINGS COULD BE COMING BACK.

That’s not me being a nut job.  THAT’S YOUR FANCY SCIENCE TALKING.

Game Over Man.





There Are 6 Responses So Far. »

  1. Dreamscape sounds terrifying. And I thought Voldemort was scary…

  2. We need to take out whatever someone shoved up Mother Nature’s ass?

  3. I loved Dreamscape as a kid!
    Especially the part where he ripped the other guy’s heart out.
    I remembered the movie but forgot the title, so thanks!


  4. I, for one, welcome our new Reptilian overlords.

  5. Morbo, is that you?

  6. Hey Travis, I think I know why Mother Nature is acting this way. The Chinese built a huge damn and when they diverted the Yangsi (sp?) river to build this dammn they actually altered the earth’s rotation. If I was Mother Nature I’d be pissed…

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