May 21st is a date that has been advertised all over the world as a day where the whole world gets fucked. I know because I’ve seen billboards, radio ads, crazies on the side of the road and the ever popular “Uncle Milties Traveling Apocalyptic Road Show” effectively eye raping me into submission on the subject. In order to find out what’s really going on I managed to convince 90 year old Harold Camping – the man behind this movement and founder of Family Radio Ministries – to sit down with me and answer a few questions so we can all better understand the coming weekends events.
Travis: Sir, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with me to discuss the impending trials and tribulations we’re all about to face.
Camping: Happy to be of service.
Travis: So may 21st, a date I’ve become all too familiar with due to your advertising, is a day that we should all be aware and in fear of?
Camping: Most Definitely.
Travis: I completely agree. If I’ve done my due diligence in researching your campaign and this date; May 21st is The Day of The Raptors as spoken about, obviously, in the bible. After watching all of the available research material on Raptors I can only conclude that we’re totally fucked.
Camping: The Rapture.
Travis: Excuse me?
Camping: It’s The Rapture, the second coming of Christ, in which his followers will be taken up to heaven and the non believers will be abandoned as earth descends into living hell. It has nothing to do with Dinosaurs.
Travis: Are you sure?
Camping: [tapping his bible] Completely.
Travis: I’m…honestly, I’m going to need a few minutes to reorganize my notes.
Travis: Okay…um, How will these, uh, this rapture, attack..occur?
Camping: The Rapture will begin at 6pm GMT with a great earthquake. That earthquake will traverse the earth, striking each time zone at roughly 6pm. This earthquake will cause massive world wide destruction.
Travis: That’s bad. Also…well shit, I guess there’s only one Rapture so there goes my hunting in packs question. Shit. Um. So what else will happen?
Camping: This earthquake will cause the graves of the Departed Believers to be flung open and they, along with God’s Elect will be caught up into the sky to be with Jesus. At that point those that will be left behind will experience horror of horrors for the next five months until the world is completely destroyed on October 21st.
Travis: Hold the phone. Let’s back up just a second. Zombies followed by Kirk Cameron? I think this just got a lot worse than dinosaurs.
Camping: No. The dead will rise…
Travis: Right. Zombies. [I wish you could have seen the zombie impression I did here. It was awesome.]
Camping: NO. The dead will be taken up to heaven. They will not walk the earth.
Travis: But they’re dead, shouldn’t they already be…do you NEED your physical body in heaven?
Camping: Not in the slightest.
Travis: So why would the bodies of the dead be…nevermind that. Let me just check my notes real quick here…um, what, shit I…okay I can make this work. What caliber of pistol or rifle round would be sufficient to stop a raptor Jesus?
Camping: Excuse me?
Travis: That came out wrong. Um, how can we defend ourselves you know, spiritually, from the apocalypse.
Camping: You can’t. God has already chosen his elect. The only thing you can do is beg God for mercy and hope he listens.
Travis: Well shit. So how did you figure out that the Dinosaurs were coming back for revenge end of the world was coming?
Camping: By studying all of the information left to us, by God, in the bible.
Travis: So you’re a biblical scholar.
Travis: Which institution of religious higher learning – or UofGod if you prefer – did you attend?
Camping: I’m not a formerly trained biblical scholar. I’ve studied the bible for most of my life and have come to know it as the one true word of God.
Travis: So you didn’t actually study with actual scholars?
Travis: Fair enough. So you studied the bible, all by yourself, and determined that this is the end using with eschatological methodology?
Camping: Basic math.
Travis: Of course
the bible’s full of math; just look at all of those plus signs
Camping: We have come to know…
[Honestly most of what he said at this point is a lot of gibberish that is extremely hard to follow. He says a lot of things about how he has assigned meaning to certain numbers within the bible and how when you jesusmath those numbers together you get an even more important superjesusnumber that is equivalent to the number of days from the date of the crucifixion – or Noah’s flood – to this Saturday, I thought I would spare you his bullshit. ]
Travis: So why are no other scientists churches supporting your theory that dinosaurs are coming to rape us into oblivion Jesus is returning to destroy the earth?
Camping: Because in 1988 the “Church Age”, as it was known, came to an end and God allowed the Devil to take control of all of the organized churches.
Travis: So every other church is wrong because God let the Devil take control of them?
Travis: Sure. That, I guess that makes about as much fucking sense as the rest of this.
Camping: Also we can’t ignore the signs that are all around us; signs that have been mentioned throughout the bible.
Travis: Such as?
Camping: War, famine, Israel being surrounded and of course the acceptance of the Gay lifestyle.
Camping: Never before has the acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle been so widespread. And that lifestyle is an abomination in the eyes of our lord. It says so right in Leviticus.
Travis: Sure, it does…but…
Camping: But what? The Bible is the true word of God.
Travis: But 75 Million people died from the Black Plague. 8 Million people died in World War I. 6 Million Jews died in World War II. Not to mention countless other instances of human suffering or religion on religion violence and Jesus never bothered to show up; but dudes start kissing dudes and all of the sudden here comes angry jesus? Doesn’t that seem kind of petty for a omniscient being?
Run. They’re going to doom us all with their coordinated wardrobes and chiseled abs.
[He sat, silently, looking at me with his old man creepy eyes far longer than I was comfortable with]
Travis: Okay, I’m going to have really go off script for the rest of this interview because every question I have left involves the hunting patterns of Velociraptors and how we can outsmart, trap and then train them to be our personal servants. So um, how’s it going?
Camping: Well of course. The Lord our God is returning to take us to Heaven. What’s not to be excited about?
Travis: Why is it that it’s always the old and aged who predict the rapture?
Camping: I don’t understand your question.
Travis: It’s always those who are at the end of their life, those who might possibly be seeking a meaning for their life or seeking solace as they face the cold embrace of death who scream about the return of Christ or the salvation of the Lord. It’s never a 17 year old guy who just got his first blow job or a 21 year old girl who thinks that she has finally found love for the first time. How do you explain that?
[The air conditioning in our green room made his turkey neck swing back and forth for a few minutes. Honestly it was hypnotizing.]
Travis: Couldn’t the possibility exist that you are simply a scared old man who’s facing the end of his life without the all encompassing event that would solidify his faith beyond a shadow of a doubt?
Camping: I believe our interview is over.
[as he was leaving I managed to squeeze out one last question]
Travis: Mr. Camping why do you wear a seatbelt?
Camping: Pardon me?
Travis: If you, as a Christian, are facing the end of the world and the Rapture of the believers and the only thing that death brings is your entrance into blissful eternity – then why do you wear a seatbelt? It seems to me that if your faith was truly as strong as you believe it to be then you wouldn’t bother with it because it’s keeping you from getting to heaven faster.
[And that's when a 90 year old man of god gave me the finger]
party at my place on May 22nd; paid for by the credit cards left behind by those that are raptured
Everything I’ve written is Harold Camping’s true beliefs. Though this interview is fake I did spend weeks reading all of the material that he has available on his website and all of it reads like a term paper written by a five year old. Facts are assumed, cobbled together or culled from the ether of bullshit.
Harold Camping is a bigoted, self important, arrogant, racist old fuck whose campaign to bring the end of the world to a town near you has probably ruined more lives than he’d even like to admit. Though these people, being stupid enough to follow a 90 year old man who is ginning up salvation from a poorly translated 2000 year old book, probably weren’t the brightest in the first place. There is a family in Florida who have followed Harold Camping’s teachings to the point that they have planned and budgeted to be destitute come May 22nd – regardless of the fact that they have a two year old child and another on the way.
When May 21st rolls around and a big fat bag of dicknothing happens not only will a majority of Camping’s followers be destitute they will be without recourse because Camping has specifically not directed his followers how to run their lives – thus leaving himself legally deniable.
Family Radio is worth something in the range of $110 million and they are still taking donations to this day; but I am highly skeptical that they will be Christian and giving of that money when those that they lead astray come begging for alms.
And for those followers of Harold Camping, whose families are concerned that you may be in a cult, I’d like to give you a quick quiz that will help you.