Dear Megan Fox,

According to the internet, a fastidious and scrupulous source of all news information, you have recently dumped your long time boyfriend – some putz whose claim to fame was being on 90210 when you were 8 – and as such now find yourself delectably single.  No doubt a bevy of male suitors have begun to beat your door down and to that I can only say: DON’T YOU GO NEAR THAT DOOR! You get your ass back to this internet thing and keep reading. I know that this may come as a complete surprise considering that we’ve never met in person and I only have a tertiary knowledge – mostly gleamed from fan sites and stuff I made up after watching Transformers – of what you’re really like; but I think that we can make this work. Because; Megan Fox, we’re perfect for each other.

You’re probably asking yourself, as you lounge around your house in seductive lingerie, what qualifies a guy like me to be the concubine of a hot Hollywood property like yourself?  Well I’ve broken down my qualifications into three categories.

Physical Qualifications: Fist of all, Megan Fox, I’m tall.  And much like in the animal kingdom, in Hollywood being tall helps to keep predators at bay.  Anytime you are approached by short in stature, slightly insane Hollywood sycophants (read Tom Cruise 5’7″) or a Sociological Leper (read Perez Hilton 5’9″ 1/4) I will jump in front of you and wave my arms wildly.  By presenting a larger target these animals are typically easily frightened away thinking that their prey is not only larger than originally expected but also bat shit insane for employing self defense techniques learned from “The God’s Must Be Crazy” movies.  And if that doesn’t work; I’m ripped!  Fuckin’ A ripped!! I’ve done so many crunches that my rippling abs have totally ripped pecs.

Personality Qualifications: If every Cosmo article I’ve ever read on the toilet is telling the truth; you ladies love a man with a sense of humor.  Most women see it as a turn on!  Well get ready to moisten them panties young lady, ’cause I’m a comedian and unless Cosmopolitan Magazine is lying you’ll be spending all your days chuckling your way to the big ‘O’.

Professional Qualifications: As an up and coming A-lister you need to spend your time with someone who has potential.  Brian Austin Greene – I’ll forgive you for already forgetting who he is – reached his peak in the spring of 1992. He’s had nowhere to go but down. Me? I’m at the bottom, I’m an internet comedian.  But according to recent trends I’m only a few steps away from a book or movie deal.  Nowhere to go but up baby!

Hell I even took the time to fill out one of those online boyfriend applications.

The inclusion of the word “nuzzle” makes this a romantic statement.

Based on my qualifications alone – and the one two punch of comedic bulging rippliness – you can see that this is a match made in heaven.  But there’s also a lot of benefits for you in our blessed union.

First of all you’ll get into all of my comedy shows for free!  How awesome is that? No more waiting in line, no five dollar door charge and two drink minimum, you’ll be with me baby.  And every time some guy comes over to hit on you, you can proudly say, “I’m with that guy up there, the one espousing the virtues of shaving his balls.”  Also you’ll get a chance to meet some of my comedian friends like Jon Owens, Shane Murphy, Bryan Yang and Carlos Rodriguez.  When you mention my name, don’t be surprised if they have no idea who you are talking about, they’re just being funny.

Also, since we’ll be spending A LOT of time together, I’ll be your personal assistant.  I’m sure you’re paying someone to do that now, but go ahead and fire that bitch. I’ll be more than happy to keep track of all of your important meetings, movie premiers and exclusive parties.  By the way, I get the goody bags.  I’ll also help you interact with your fan base in a way that you never have: Twitter. yes even celebrities are using Twitter these days to keep their fans up to date on the comings and goings of their daily lives.  I’ve even taken the liberty of mocking up a twitter account for you so you can see how this awesome technology works.

if you want to you can follow me on twitter here and then you and I can talk about my junk.

Now after reading my list of qualifications, and all of the benefits of our relationship, I have no doubt that you have phoned your agent and demanded that they find you the contact information for “That funny internet bastard,” so that you may, “lavish upon him extravagent gifts and plenty of motor boating opportunities.” But you hold your horses there Missy, cause there’s a few rules for you too.

Incidentally; I’ll be calling you “missy” a lot.

Also, not incidentally, my contact information is right here.

First off, Megan Fox, your sexiness is far too sexy to be covered up in the confines of your million dollar home.  So while we’re at home you should probably limit your clothing options to bikini’s or Victoria Secret lingerie. Subliminal message: I’ll be moving in with you.

Secondly I’ll be pitching all of my insane ideas to your Hollywood contacts.  The first idea is a touching story about a young internet comedian who, through a series of very lucky events, gets to meet and nail a bevvy of Hollywood starlets.  Think Big meets My Date With Drew meets Debbie Does Dallas.

Thirdly I get to go to all of your red carpet movie premiers.

how it could have been: you and I at the Transformers Premier. It looks like I’m saying, “Well shit yeah, I’m here with Megan Fox!”

And lastly. I get to meet Optimus Prime. This one’s a deal breaker.

Of course I’ll have to clear all of this stuff with my wife.  But I don’t see a problem with it.  She’s a pretty open and forward thinking person.  PLus your on my laminated list.  And that thing’s a binding contract.


There Are 6 Responses So Far. »

  1. I’ve seen you “I will jump in front of you and wave my arms wildly” and it is quite frightning.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, old cartoons sound like a good idea.

  2. You are a jerkface. You cut me out of a picture of our freaking baby shower to put Megan Fox in.


    But, on a happy note, you officially referenced “Friends” on your website, which is effing hilarious.

  3. I’d totally nail Shirley Manson. And since Butch Vig is an acclaimed producer, I might even let him shoot the video for it.

    Hey, at least it gives Shirley another reason to sing “Stupid Girl”

  4. Are you really having a kid? I thought for sure the whole marriage thing was a cover-up for you strong love interest in Screach… McCarthy just had a kid that looks just like Kevin. I assume your kid will look like Kenny Garcia.

  5. I love the laminated list. Referencing Friends is always a plus. Wanna see mine?

  6. And all you guys have about as much chances with a snowball in a supernova

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