My Resignation Letter to Hogwart’s

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To Whom It May Concern,
I’d like to say that my time at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been magical; because that would be a pun and puns are hilarious, but the reality of the matter is that this has been one of the most infuriating five years I have spent as a general purpose handyman in a career that spans several decades. I’m hoping that in writing this letter I can bring to light some of the glaring issues that exist at this institute for “higher learning”.

First of all, and I know that this is a bit “outside the box” for your ilk: Magic Can’t Solve Everything.

While I appreciate that your school exists in a realm where magic is not only a reality but a common every day tool; do you guys even know what a fucking wrench is? I’m a “muggle” and I don’t know how to cast a spell. What I do know how to do is fix plumbing, basic carpentry, electrical and duct work. Would you like to know something interesting about all of those trades? YOU NEED TOOLS TO DO THEM! I don’t carry a mystical piece of lumber in my pocket. I can’t will a screw into place using only my mind. Hell; there’s a pipe fitting in the bathroom on the second floor that you can’t even move unless you happen to speak the snake language. There’s nothing in my tool belt that can do that.

Speaking of the plumbing.

At my old house we had a septic tank out back and after a few years the pipes got clogged because tree roots had grown into them. We had to spend a lot of money to have a professional come out and clear out the pipes in order for our plumbing to work correctly. My second year on the job at your precious school do you know what I had the displeasure of doing? Unclogging the entire school sanitation system because one of your students killed a gigantic snake somewhere in the bowels of the school. I have a couple of issues with that; the first one being – how did you not know that a 300 foot long death serpent was living in the sewer system of a school inhabited almost exclusively by children? You’d think, maybe, that someone should have been on top of that.

Who puts a giant snake and a colossal sculpture in a room designed to collect poop?

The second one being the fact that when it came time to actually dispose of the enormous snake carcass none of you guys even bothered to even show up. It would’ve taken you two seconds to levi corpus that fat bastard out of there but noooooooo that man beast Hagrid and I had to do it all on our own.

While we’re on the subject of protecting the students from things like deadly snakes – I have serious questions about your choice in school security.

One of the things you expect to encounter, as a handyman at a school, is being in ‘out of bounds’ areas during the school day and being stopped or questioned by security. With your run of the mill rent-a-cop, this isn’t a problem; you show them your staff id and go on your merry way.  Hogwart’s, as you pricks well know, doesn’t employ the fine folks from Wackenhut. Oh no – you guys have ghoulish, spectral soul-suckers. Do you know what it’s like to have your soul sucked out of your body? It’s like giving birth, breaking your femur and having a root canal at the same time – and all of these things are being done through the hole in your penis. Would you like to know why this happened to me? Because I had to fix a broken hinge on a gate in the Hippogriff paddock which was outside of the Dementors’ “acceptable boundary” limitations.

Riddle me this, Hogwart’s best and brightest: why is it that you have the Guardians of the Damned protecting a school full of CHILDREN?!  These creatures represent a level of hell that even Dante couldn’t fathom in the worst of his fever dreams and you have them near eleven year old kids! Isn’t Dumbledore the most powerful wizard on the face of the earth? Can’t he just whip up some sort of magical hoozit that would fricassee any bad guys that came near the campus? Or is this some sort of wizarding tradition that has just lasted for millennia that no one really questions anymore?

Along those lines here are some other “wizarding traditions” I’d like to question:

Lack of modern conveniences – I don’t know what parents pay for their kids to go to your special school but you’d think with that money you could afford a few things that the muggle world has learned to take advantage of:

  • Central Heat and Air
  • Computers
  • Pens and Pencils – forcing your students to use quills is really just making them look like pretentious hipsters.

Lack of Modern Transportation – Yes, the Hogwart’s Express is a fantastic piece of mechanical engineering… from 1815. I hate to question your magical logic – again – but aren’t their a couple of better options for shepherding your wizard progeny? The 21st century offers such a vast array of conveyances like bullet trains, airplanes or – if you’re scared of becoming too modern – zeppelins. But even using your magical doodads; wouldn’t a port-key be not only easier but safer?

Come to think of it I’ve only even seen one car amongst your kind, and I was the one that that idiot Ron Weasley and his buddy Harry Potter crashed into a tree.

One last thing, now that I’ve mentioned his name: Harry – the fucking chosen one – Potter.

Were you aware that the entirety of your school; your teachers, your social events, your wizarding contests and all of your problems revolve around this one kid? I don’t know what life was like before Harry Potter showed up, because I got there around the same time he did, but there is something seriously wrong with a scholastic institution allowing one child to run roughshod over faculty and facility.

Honestly, if I were you guys, I’d just expel him before anything truly horrendous happens.

As for me; I’ve been offered a handyman position at a nice high school in Southern California.

Nice looking group of wholesome – non weird – kids

It will be nice to get back to a normal life again.

P.S. Honestly, if I were you guys, I might reconsider the entire thought process of thrusting pubescent teens into an institution where they’re given access to seemingly unlimited super-human power with very few safeguards. I don’t need to tell you that teens are nothing but a meat sack full of raging hormones, confusing emotions and boners. In a normal school most disagreements end in a couple of sissy-handed fist fights, I saw a kid get turned into a ferret and another one barfed slugs. You guys might want to shitcan this whole operation before things get out of control.


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