Ladies and Gentlemen today the world has lost one of its greats. Friend to some, inspiration to most, and a non-stop source of entertainment : Irony. Irony was found dead in his Los Angeles area, converted loft apartment,from an apparent self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. According to an unnamed source the note next to his body simply read, “Yeah; I’m done here.”
Suicide is considered to be a cardinal sin by most Pro-Life, Pro-Death Penalty, conservative Christians. As such no self respecting evangelical would preside over the services; that is until a Mormon minister offered to baptize the departed posthumously – at which time most TV preachers offered to perform the ceremony free of charge. This, according to recent insider information, confirms the fact that the Holy Game of Red Rover is even more highly contested than originally thought.
One of Irony’s oldest friends, Sarcasm, was reached by phone for comment.
“Like no one saw this coming. When Rick Santorum demanded that individual freedom was a conservative core value and, within, like, a couple of days, turned around and demonized personal choices like contraception – no one saw a red flag go up? I mean the guy has seven kids and his wife looks like the overbearing cheer-mom from Donnie Darko – and somehow he comes out against pornography?”
and the theologically based values of the Republican Party.
“But you guys are doing a bang up job. For reals.” And then, under his breath, he muttered, “Chumps.”
Seen protesting outside the funeral was Shirley Phelps-Roper daughter of Hate-Preacher, Fred Phelps. The Phelps family rose to prominence during the Matthew Shepard trial in Laramie Wyoming. Shepard, an openly gay student in a rural a Wyoming town, was brutally beaten and left for dead. A punishment that was visited upon him, according to the Phelps Family, because god was punishing him for being gay.
“Judge not lest ye be judged!” she shouted, incorrectly quoting the bible, at a group of counter protestors. Without a second thought to the inaccuracies of her biblical upbringing she turned her ire back towards the departed.
“Irony is burning in hell for turning his back on God’s will and embracing Man’s wanton desire and perversion.” She paused to dictate said same statement into her iPhone 4s which promptly composed a tweet on her behalf and sent it out to her 622 followers. Most of whom follow her for comedic value and not spiritual enlightenment.
“Irony is burning in hell right next to Steve Jobs.”
irony and the Phelps family have a long history
Irony is not survived by any family members but he is fondly remembered by his room mate, Apathy. When asked for a comment on his roommate’s mental state Apathy had this to say:
“Fuck man, I don’t know. He was reading some shit on the internet about The Pope visiting Cuba. Apparently The Pope said that Marxism was outdated and not in line with reality. And then he lost it. Not like Carrie during the prom lost it, but like he’d reached his limit. Like he’d lost his purpose.”
The funeral was well attended by Irony’s many fans: Comedians, Artists, Satirists and, of course, Hipsters. The hipster contingent, under the misguided impression that they alone were touched by the influence of Irony, were at first grateful to see only a small crowd of fifty in attendance. However as the day wore on, and the crowd ballooned due to the omnipresence of Irony across all channels of society, the Hipsters began to feel dejected. Slowly they filtered out of the funeral only to return once the crowd had swelled to above ten thousand. Upon their return they proclaimed that they were not in attendance out of a desire to be in with the in crowd but rather to lampoon the idea that anyone would feel cool for being there at all.
these are my funeral clothes
Alanis Morrisette could not be reached for comment.
why are you wearing that stupid man suit?