And Now A Word From Jesus

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[Editors Note: On occasion over the years I have been approached by various people who have wanted to use my website as an outlet for their own purposes. These people usually have a unique view point, or a bone to pick; but I’ve never seen fit to acquiesce to allowing anyone to use my outlet as their personal pulpit.

Until now.

So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I am proud to present a guest article written by The Alpha and The Omega, The Holy Ghost, The Only Begotten Son, Lord of Lords, King of Kings and the Tenth Member of The WU TANG CLAN – JESUS CHRIST! ]

Hey people of Earth; how’s it hanging? Jesus here.

I know the first question you’re going to ask, “Why would you lower yourself to speak to humanity through the website of a 30something man child obsessed with comic books and pro-wrestling?” I could tell you that if I did this on CNN or Oprah, no one would believe it was me. I could tell you that speaking on an outlet like The Bible Network or The 700 Club would be preaching to the converted – and honestly, what I’m about to say, I think that group would like it the least.

[Travis – I’m not sure how to put a picture here can you help me out?]


the son of god doesn’t have to explain SHIT to you

Let’s just go with, “The Lord works in mysterious ways” and be done with it. That’s satisfied people for a couple of millenia. Now we need to have a little talk about a few things that you’re doing that are, well let’s call ’em a little misguided.

Prayer

I’m down with prayer. I think it’s groovy. I get it. Taking time to communicate with your god of choice in order to strengthen the bond between you. Religiously speaking; it’s pretty important. I am curious though as to when “communicating with the almighty” turned into “”sitting on Santa’s lap with a list of wants like an ungrateful child”?

If you believe in the power of prayer then I am going to assume that you believe in a being that is capable of omnisciently answering those prayers. An all powerful entity capable of hearing your secret whispers and making them corporeal; yet you treat it like a wish upon Aladdin’s lamp. You humans spend your time praying for new apartments, new jobs – the latest fucking iPhone. Meanwhile things like this take place:


couldn’t have wished for that kid to have a happy meal?

I know what you’re thinking; after all; I’m Jesus – if you get a better job, or you don’t have to worry about your new apartment, then you’d be in a better position to help out. It’s a nice piece of circular logic but it’s more circular than it is logical.

You humans have so much potential but you’re too busy thinking about the day to day. Did it ever occur to you that if you focused your energies, as a species, and prayed for greater good across the world; that maybe those little things like your new car would fall into place? Instead of praying for lower gas prices, safer flights, the miniscule minutiae that occupies so much of your time – maybe it would be a better idea to ask the almighty for a better world?

Nah, keep wishing that you can be as famous as Kim Kardashian; I’m sure that will help.

Protip: it won’t

Marriage and The Gays

Oh boy do you humans talk about other people’s goings on. From who people hump to who they marry – you people are obsessed. You use this for the basis of your politics, and every time you do you insist that The Bible told you so. And man, that thing..we’ll get to that later; but in the interim let’s talk about what the bible considers a sanctified marriage.

[Travis – can you put a picture here, maybe a guy fucking a goat?]
-Ed. Note – Jesus. No.


How ’bout this?

Sooooo yeah, you’re right on one point: there’s nothing about two dudes, or two chicks getting married. So you got it half right.

As far as homosexuals go: pop quiz: What did I, The Jesus – or god ( honestly that holy trinity / I’m my own father thing still confuses even me) say about homosexuality in The Bible? If you guessed ‘nothing’ then you win a prize. I’m betting no one got the prize.

It’s true, the book of Leviticus has something to say about homosexual behavior, but I never did. And I’m quoted in that there Bible quite a bit. You would assume that if I did ACTUALLY say something about the gays in the Bible, someone would have made mention of it. But they also never mentioned me telling everyone “to be excellent to each other” so there was obviously some editorializing along the way.

But you’re right; it says, right there in Leviticus that men should not lay with men. Leviticus is often considered the Robert’s Rules of Orders of the biblical set – so let’s see what else that old book has to say about how you should conduct your life.

Do not wear clothing of mixed fabrics – Lev. 19:19
Do not eat shell fish – Lev. 11:10
Do not shave – Lev. 19:27
Do not eat bacon – Lev. 11:7

If the gays are going to hell for disobeying Leviticus…then everyone who’s ever worked at Red Lobster is probably getting a middle management position there. And I definitely belong there. What? Fuck you bacon is awesome and totally worth a trip to hell – it’s even a double whammy for me; being a Jew and all.
And that brings us to a big point of contention…

THE BIBLE

Oh man did this thing get out of control.

There are two schools of thought to the bible:

Viewpoint One: It’s a guidebook. An outline open to interpretation, written in an ancient and scary/confusing time before the internet and logic. Some of its teachings and principles are still valid today but a lot of the uneducated hullabaloo can be tossed right out the window.

That’s a fine way to look at things, and a lot of people do view it in that light; but if you do then you’re not allowed to eschew the laws of Deuteronomy and Leviticus that YOU disagree with but hold fast to the ones that support your views. If the view on wearing mixed fabrics is out dated based on societal views then maybe view on homosexuality is too.

Look at it this way: The first Harry Potter book was released in the UK in 1997 titled Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. One year later it was released in America and the title was changed to the ‘Sorcerer’s Stone’ because the American publisher thought the word Philosopher would not convey the appropriate tone and tenor of the book. That’s a one year difference and the book is written in the same god damned language! The bible is over 2000 years old and not a single living fucking person speaks the language it was written in. All I’m saying is maybe this multi-millenial game of telephone should come to an end.

If you absolutely have to have a book that lays out a moral code I would suggest The Jeffersonian Bible. It’s just like the regular bible but without all of the hocus pocus stuff. The King James version should have come with a warning label.


just like cigarettes

Viewpoint Two: It is the unedited, unabridged gospel for the course of humankind as dictated by the lord himself. I sort of respect people who follow this view but only if they don’t half-ass it. In this view of the bible My Word is the final word on everything. Even where it contradicts itself.


definitely could have used a continuity editor – click for full size

The unfortunate thing about this viewpoint is that you’re going to end up in prison because you’re going to kill A METRIC SHIT TON of people because a lot of things in the bible are punishable by death –

Things that are punishable by death according to the Bible –
Being a stubborn and rebellious son. Deuteronomy 21:18-21
Trying to convert people to another religion Deuteronomy 13:1-11 & 18:20
Apostasy – If most people in a town come to believe in a different god. (Kill everybody, including animals, and burn the town.) (Deuteronomy 13:12-15)

Which brings me to my last point.

Religious Infighting

There’s no need to fight about us. Do you really think an omnipotent being would be jealous of other omnipotent beings? We’re all cool with each other. Yes ‘WE’.  There are a lot of deities, most of them none of you have even heard of. [Ed. Note – shit even Jesus is a hipster] But on earth there’s something like five major franchises and all of you keep fighting and killing each other for no reason. You’re all Star Trek geeks who are murdering each other over who’s the best captain. It’s pointless.


pictured left to right, Jesus, Mohammad, Moses, Joseph Smith, God. You thought the black guy was gonna be Muhammad didn’t you? Racist.

If you like Deep Space Nine over Voyager; that’s great but don’t go to a Star Trek: Voyager convention and start stabbing everyone who’s dressed like Captain Janeway.

If a Star Wars fan draws a crude picture of Captain Kirk; don’t burn their house down, just ignore it because you don’t give a shit about the Star Wars Universe.

I kinda feel like I shouldn’t need to tell you guys these things.

I think the biggest problem is that you humans think that you’re my chosen people and that you’ve got it all figured out. Watch this video real quick.Seriously, take the time, Jesus thinks this is important and so should you.

Now look at this picture.


click for the big…my god it’s full of stars

This is called the Hubble Deep Field image. All of those bright spots in the inky blackness are galaxies, just like the one your planet lives in. In each of those galaxies are hundreds of billions of stars and planets. Millions, possibly billions, of them capable of sustaining carbon based lifeforms just like yourselves. Of this infinitesimally small view of the infinitely large cosmos that surrounds your planet – you know something nearing a percentage of dickshitnothing.

This image is exactly 1/24,000,000 of the night sky as visible from earth. The puzzle outside of your planet contains twenty four MILLION pieces; and you just found out that in even one of those pieces there are trillions of other pieces.

Your greatest minds, combined with you greatest technology and all you can do is stare out into the void and contemplate how little you actually know about anything. It’s bound to be both humbling and frightening.

One of the bad things about being omnipotent is knowing everything yet not being able to divulge anything. There’s a reason behind this but if I told you your head would explode.  I can’t guarantee what happens after you die.  I can’t guarantee that an afterlife even exists.  Hell; I can’t even guarantee that this isn’t all a highly advanced holographic computer simulation.

You, all seven billion of you, are stuck on that one tiny blue marble, floating in the vast infinite void of existence together. You’re all a bunch of scared kids in a room that is infinitely larger than you could possibly fathom, walking around with matches trying to light up that darkness. And while you blindly stumble – you’re all so convinced that you know what is out there in the darkness – even though you cant see it. You can do one of two things: you can either keep wandering in the dark, on your own, barely able to see an inch in front of your face OR you can a come together and share your collective light and illuminate more of that darkness than you could all by yourself and then you can start to explore the great mysteries of that darkness together. We, your gods, aren’t down there with you. You don’t have us to light up that darkness. But you do have each other, and this may be the only time you get in this existence; and that’s the only thing we can guarantee.

Use that time wisely.

Make friends.

Make art.

Make love.

But most importantly: Make a fucking difference.

Jesus.OUT
you’re all so petty;and tiny

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There Are 5 Responses So Far. »

  1. Dear Jesus,
    I can’t express how much I love this. Especially the Star Trek example. Totally. Makes. Sense.

  2. Shannon

    Glad you liked it. Sad that the world now knows about my Star Trek Fandom.

  3. Jesus,
    Yeah but Star Trek is universal – everyone (secretly) likes at least one of the versions. And it’s pretty much the only thing 1 Million Moms hasn’t boycotted. Maybe they will read this and see you are on to something and change their crazy ways. Most likely they will just boycott this article.

  4. Jesus, you sound remarkably like Richard Dreyfuss.

  5. Shannon
    If you could forward this URL over to one million moms…maybe let them know I don’t appreciate what they’re doing.

    Cameron,
    I look a lot like him too. It wasn’t intentional.

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