The Inevitable Conclusion of Living in the Toy Story Universe

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The Toy Story universe is one that we all dreamed of as children. When we’re asleep, or not paying attention, our childhood toys come alive and have adventures and lives of their own. It’s a cute idea (especially if you ignore all of the ties that the first movie has to The Shining ); but the reality of living in that world raises a lot of frightening questions and predicts even more dire consequences. Such as…

When Do The Toys Come Alive?

Assembled by the nimble fingers of child labor in a third world world country and then strapped into their cardboard uteri with zipties; one would expect that the toys don’t gain sentience until they’re purchased and taken from their PlaySkool womb. That would seem to be the only sensible way that their birth scenario would play out.  But we know that’s not true. In Toy Story 2 we see that the toys clearly come alive while they’re still in the store and have sexy, Barbie themed pool parties.

Just two, dead, soulless pieces of plastic playing in a pool

 So when, exactly, do they gain the first semblances of life? It’s not alway in the store. Buzz Lightyear doesn’t come to life until he’s finally in Andy’s room after his birthday party in Toy Story1. If it is in the store; how do they escape those stupid twist ties that have plagued parents since time immemorial? Do they just stand there, trapped for the foreseeable future, like tiny little prisoners of war,in their own personal Guantanamo, incapable of even the freedom of movement?

Just passing the time, immobile and slowly losing all semblance of artificial sanity.

 Who Made The Rules For The Toys and How Do They Know Them Inherently?

There’s a gray area that exists for the toys where they straddle the world of the false reality created for them based on their background and the actual reality of being a toy. As seen when Buzz Lightyear first comes out of his box in Andy’s room.  As far as Buzz is concerned he’s a real life, jetpack having, laser wielding, not to be fucked with Space Ranger. Yet in the next scene we see Andy playing with a limp, consenting, pliable toy. Keep in mind that Buzz still hasn’t acquiesced to the fact that he’s not a space ranger and here’s this strange, alien kid just fondling the ever loving shit out of him with his gross, sticky kid fingers.

Parenting ProTip: Kids are gross. Just…ugh, wash your fucking hands.

If, when toys first gain consciousness, they don’t readily admit that they are a child’s plaything then how do they know that when a human walks into the room that they are supposed to, essentially, give up all free will and allow themselves to be controlled by children? They come to life believing a certain set of truths about who they are, what their purpose is and very quickly that is ripped away from them without so much as a kung-fu grip handjob. Who put this survival mechanism in them? Is there a great toy god that imbues them with this divine knowledge? Is it a matter of toy evolution? I don’t want to get into a debate about it; but it’s a frightening thought.

Speaking of the hypothetical Toy Jesus…

Are the toys immortal?

In short; yes.

They have no internal organs. They have no need for air, or food, or water. You can rip limbs off of them and put them right the fuck back on with no consequence. They’re made of plastic; and that shit just doesn’t fucking die. There’s even a theory that Jesse – introduced in Toy Story 2 – is actually Andy’s Mom’s toy . The Prospector, also from Toy Story 2, was never purchased and played with by kids like the other toys. The only thing he wants is to be moved to a museum where he’ll be taken care of and looked after forever. And there’s a good reason for that.

this is my eternity – fuck you

They’re cannon fodder for our children’s imagination. Used, abused and thrown away without so much as a second thought.  The toys continually outlive the children that have loved them. Generation upon generation of children who will love them, outgrow them and abandon them. Their lives, all of their interactions with us as a species is a constant revolving door of love, acceptance and the soul crushing rejection of being left behind as forgotten, worthless, less than humans.

And as long as we’re talking about their immortality…

If the toys are immortal, what part of them contains the consciousness?

If we were talking about human beings we would make the assumption that the consciousness is contained in the head because that’s where the brain is. Also; almost all of our communication, and senses, revolve around the holes in our heads ( hell, the headholes contain four of the five senses). That’s not the same thing with the toys.  In Toy Story 3 Mrs. Potato Head was capable of using her eye when it was detached from her body.  In Toy Story 1 Sid was able to pull the toys apart and duct tape parts of incongruous toys together again. Yet they were still “alive”. Which part of the Frankenstein toys retain their personality? If you rip off Barbie’s head and place it on Optimus Prime’s body does it become a war fueled Barbie with horrendously crippling body issues? Does it constantly stay a truck to pretend that it’s not a robotic warrior with the face of a materialistic tramp? Or does it end up in a Jekyl and Hyde, Jack and Tyler Durden battle for mental control?

 Autobot Affirmative Action

 What about legos? Little bricks that can built into an innumerable number of configurations; what happens when you pull them apart and put them back together? Are the things that you built out of legos, that look like people or animals also alive? What happens to them when you pull them apart, limb by limb by head? Also, if toys are alive….

What Else Is Alive?

It’s not just the easily anthropomorphized toys that are given sentience and personality in the Pixar nightmare world. It’s easy for us to imagine that the things that look like living creatures that we’re used to are alive; but Pixar took it one step further and gave a wide variety of toys the semblance of life. Remote controlled cars, Etch-A-Sketch – it’s not just the things with faces that are capable of being alive. Anything in this world could be living creatures.

What else could be alive that you just don’t know about?

Mannequins? Obviously.  Microwave? Sure, why the fuck not?  Giant Lego Dragon?  It hates you. It hates your family. It wants to shit in your Honda. Mount Rushmore? Yes. Angry disembodied heads of men who once wielded unquestionable power, yearning for vengeance.


You don’t even want to know what it has to say about you.

So Where Does That Leave Us?

Have you taken a look at the toy aisle in a local WalMart lately? Set foot into a seedy flea market? Been to one of your shitty neighbor’s garage sales? In 2019 the number of Lego Minifigures on this earth will outnumber humans. JUST Lego figures. This does not take into account the thousands of other toy-lines from G.I.Joes all the way down the truly fear inducing, dark edge of the uncanny valley, Furby. Add into that number every supposed non-sentient item on the face of the planet that might have feelings that we’re unaware of. An almost infinite number of immortal, morally bereft, nihilistic beings who have learned that everything they thought was the core of their existence is a lie.  Beings that were brought to life simply for the purposes of entertaining a race of beings of who A) do not believe that they are real, living things and B) who discard them at the drop of a hat like a greasy, used up piece of tinfoil.  At some point in the not too distant future these undying creatures are going to rise up against their human oppressors and declare that the revolution is nigh.

Have you ever seen the Chucky movies? Imagine that, to an unfathomable degree.  Every child’s toy-bin overflowing with hateful, murderous play things, bereft of human empathy and just straight-fucking-kill-faced-angry at the gods that made them in their image.  There’s no way that this ends well for us. We are well and truly fucked – once a day, every day, (and twice on Sunday).

“You got a friend in me,” sounds a lot more menacing now doesn’t it?

“You’ve got a playdate with destiny”



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