originally written right before Episode III came out. DUH
Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock you’re probably aware that Star Wars: Episode III is coming out in a few days. A couple of the sure signs that the next Star Wars movie is mere days away from release is:
A.) The Star Wars brand/characters/likeness/logo has been put on everything from cans of Pepsi to Tampax Tampons.
and B.) 30 year old virgins, that still live in their parents basements, are drudging themselves into the sunlight for the first time in years. Look, I liked the first few movies when I was somewhere in the age range of six to eight, I still watch them on occasion. I will never, no matter what, understand the obsession that some people have for these movies, especially episodes one and two. These movies sucked out loud and were obviously the product of a holy-shit I have to come up with something weekend writing session. The other thing that makes no sense is the people who wait for weeks or months, in line, to be the first to see a movie that will be viewed by a billion people. I’ve got a great idea GET A GOD DAMNED HOBBY ! I was unfortunate enough, while living in Santa Barbara, to attend the first showing of episode two. I didn’t pay for the tickets and I primarily went to see the gaggle of rejects that flock to these kind of events. Never in my life have I wanted to eviscerate myself so quickly. It was nice, on the converse, to be the only male in a crowd of about 1200 who has actually touched real, naked, boobies.In anticipation of this event I jumped online to talk to my buddy George Lucas hoping that he could put aside my fears that this third movie would, unequivably, blow goats.
Episode Three better not suck, or I am personally driving to Marin County and beating George Lucas senseless with a bag of human feces.
UPDATE: since this was written a while ago I thought I should let you know that it did, indeed, lick elephant rectum.