originally posted on January 14th 2006 you godless whores
This is the first of what will be a reoccurring series of public service announcements from whiskeyforbreakfast.com
Attention Underage Girls: STOP IT!
I don’t know what the fuck they’re putting in the water these days but it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish between which girls it’s okay to leer at in public and which ones you’ll get thrown in jail for taking taking pictures of them with your camera phone. So for all of you underage girls: just stop it.
First off: Stop dressing slutty. I know all of you think you’re all grown up at the all knowing age of sixteen but it’s really awkward when I’m out in public and see a hot chick only to realize you’re barely legal to drive when your mom calls you over to go home because you need to finish your homework. I know all the raging hormones of the boys at your school appreciate it, but until you’re legally old enough to appear on the internet in a compromising position with a clown, cover yourself up for the love of god. You’re just enticing perverted old men to gawk at your boobies.
Speaking of the internet; leave it the fuck alone god damnit. Stop posting pictures on webshots of the stupid shit you do when you parents are out of town. One reason is because you are leaving a paper trail. Nothing solidifies the fact that you had a house party, and some of your girlfriends got drunk and explored their sexuality, more than posting proof on the internet. If your parents are anything like mine used to be they check the history on the computer when they get home. The second reason is: if the images of you and your girlfriends, drunkenly groping each others not-yet-legal-asses are on the internet then it is very likely that College Humor will link to them. If College Humor does link to them ,then it will simply be a matter of time before one of your dad’s perverted friends sends him a link to the pictures with the subject: “check out these young, drunk, lesbians…but the one on the right looks like your daughter.” And eventually the link will be forwarded to me and I’ll get in trouble for looking at your supple, yet highly illegal, ass in a pair of Hooters shorts, while I’m at work.
And while we’re on the subject of pictures: Knock it off with the god damned web-cams. Quit using them, quit buying them, and for fucks sake: Quit submitting them to camwhores.com . I’m sure Stile appreciates it but I don’t need you popping up as a relevant link when I’m searching this great internet thingy for porn. You’re sixteen years old, go watch fuckin cartoons. The FBI already has a watch file on me because of the name of the website. I get myself in enough god damned trouble, I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!
Also: Stop writing in your livejournals, xanga accounts, and myspace blogs about all the filthy shit you and your barely pubescent boyfriend did behind the school during your lunch period. There will be plenty of time for you, later in life, to find out exactly how much you enjoy licking a mans balls while people watch. You can submit all of your disgusting, sordid, stories to penthouse forum when you are all grown up. You’re children for fucks sake. You are supposed to be worrying about homework, prom dresses, and how much the cheerleaders are forcing themselves to puke after lunch, not whether Billy, from your science class, prefers oral or anal. Quit being filthy little whores.
Mostly you need to stop because it’s not fucking fair. When I was your age there wasn’t a constant barrage of sex starved cam-girls forever flaunting about on myspace and the internet. We didn’t have this many cock-chugging filthy co-eds. Well we probably did, they just didn’t advertise as prolifically. That and I already feel like a lecherous old man 90 percent of the time. It’s gonna be feel even worse in five years, when my little brother turns fifteen, and I’m unconsciously ogling the dates he brings home. So for my sanity, and self esteem.
JUST STOP IT