originally posted on February 6th 2006..i hate the olympics
There’s about a week or so left until all TV news and primetime programing switches from covering actual news and your favorite TV shows to covering one of the most boring, and pointless, public spectacle: The Olympics. Now some of you are probably sitting there, with your thumbs up your ass, saying, “Travis, the Olympics don’t suck, they require years of dedication and training, and winning a gold medal is very prestigious,” and to you people I say you couldn’t be more wrong if you were fucking a sheep right now. (see, that’s funny because I likened people who enjoy the Olympics to people who enjoy bestiality. Did everyone who’s going to get it…get it? Good, moving on.)
First off; a gold medal and a dollar fifty will get you a cup of coffee. Outside of people training for the Olympics a gold medal pretty much means dick. True, you may be the worlds greatest ice dancer, but that’s like being the best burrito maker at Taco Bell, not something to aspire to and no one really gives a shit. Don’t believe me? Remember Mary lou Retten and Kerri Scrugg? They were America’s sweethearts after their respective olympics. Other than maybe appearing on a Wheaties box they’ve disappeared. They haven’t done shit since since they won their “prestigious” gold medal. Now obviously I’m not talking about pro-athletes that have competed in the Olympics (i.e. Michael Jordon and Magic Johnson) all they did was add another notch of accomplishment to their belts. Being in the Olympics also gives the athletes a false sense of celebrity. Proof of this can be found in the fact that after her Olympic career ran its course, Tonya Harding couldn’t even make money doing porno. If no one will pay to watch you do a donkey show, even as a lark, just to tell the story, you have failed!! Remember Summer Sanders? She won four medals at the Olympics for swimming, not just one FOUR . She whores used cars on commercials here in Sacramento. Way to go champ. The only American gold medal winner I can find that parlayed their brief Olympic appearance into a successful money making career is Kurt Angle… and he’s a pro-wrestler. Though Kurt does look like a date rapist.
As far as the Olympics not being boring: I call bullshit. Big, fat, hairy bags of bullshit. No one gave a flying fuck about figure skating until one nitwit had another nitwit clubbed in the leg by a meth addict. After that, suddenly, everyone was en rapt in the saga of skating. Not because they wanted to see who would win the bitter rivalry, no, everyone was secretly foaming at the mouth for the battle to escalate and for Nancy Kerrigan to come back with a crossbow. It’s like Nascar; no one watches to see the cars drive in circles. Everyone watches to see the next deadly, ball of flames, mustachioed man killing, crash. So in order to increase viewership of, and so people won’t be bored out of their tit, here are just a few of my suggestions to liven up the Olympics.
First of all, I say give the viewing audience what they want. Mix all forms of Ice skating with skeet shooting. For each skating routine a competition level shooter is placed in the audience. The shooter scores points based on where on the body they land their shot and the difficulty of the part of the routine in which they take their shot. Skaters score points based on the difficulty of their routine and how many shots they dodge. You think a back flip on ice is impressive? Just imagine how impressive it would be as bullets are smashing into the ice at the skaters feet…given the fact that the skater was able to avoid the bullets in the first place.
Announcer: Kammie is starting her triple lutz and Sven the Dutch rifleman seems to be locked and loaded…here we go. She’s up…*CHAK CHAK* BOOM And Sven’s aim is true. Five points to the Dutchman but it looks as though the .762 round to the shoulder assisted Kammie in her rotation. 10 points for landing the trick, and 10 more points for taking a bullet and pressing on. It looks like Great Britain’s skating sweetheart is on her way to the gold
Next take all of those fuckers that do the luge and bobsledding and fire the out of a cannon. Oh sure, they do just fine if they are the ones controlling how fast the sled goes, but think of how cool it would be to fire them down that veritable ice rectum of a track at 97mph headfirst. And make them wear a helmet with a dart-like tip. at the end of the track, instead of just slowing down like they do now, they’re rocketed up a ramp and launched out of a giant snow-sculpted buttocks towards something akin to a dart board where they have to aim themselves towards the highest possible point total. Sure some people will break their necks in fine tuning this new event, but I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over someone who professionally slides around on ice.
And, for the jumping love of jesus eating waffles, liven up the most boring sport ever created: CURLING. Instead of sliding what looks like tea pots across the ice give ‘em live grenades. Pull the pin and have them sweep a flash bang grenade towards a target that is a protective bunker. Those who successfully complete the throw, survive, those that don’t, well, they go splat. Obviously when viewing this event live people should treat it like watching Shamu the Killer Whale or a Gallagher show. The first five rows should be considered a “splash zone”.
Along with livening up the old events, let’s get some new ones. Much like a sit-com that has run its course and, in order to keep things interesting, brings in an adopted kid or a robot, it’s time for the olympics to “Jump The Shark”. We don’t want to see thirty different kinds of downhill skiing, we don’t need ballroom dancing, we need new events, fresh events that everyone can get excited about: Like midget tossing, wet t-shirt contests, and lumberjacks. In this age of instant gratification, non-stop media blitzing, information overload we need to be barraged with images constantly. I want explosions and violence and titties and balloons and clowns and pancakes. Face it people, I’m right, if the olympics would take my suggestions it would improve them one billion time over. At this point I think I’m going to go watch Girls Gone Wild: Games in hopes that the olympics will hire the guy who started that franchise.