Four Lessons The Military Could Learn From Hollywood

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In Hollywood circles the United States Military is almost always portrayed as a group of grizzled, gun toting, quick quipping, unstoppable super soldiers employing super secret technology and capable of accomplishing any task while kick-ass heavy metal blares in the back ground. And while the United States military is surely a competent group of capable individuals maybe it’s time the military took a few lessons from Hollywood.

Lesson Number One: Fuck Outer Space

NASA and SETI may be spending a majority of their time trying to make peaceful contact with intelligent life not of this planet but if there’s one thing that Hollywood has taught me it’s that if it comes from another planet it’s here to pillage our planet’s resources, enslave man-kind, destroy our national monuments or eat all of our delicious Reese’s Pieces. And if the threat from intelligent life isn’t coming then it’s surely going to be an Asteroid the size of Texas that plans on ending life as we know it here on planet Earth. And in case you’ve forgotten: Earth is where I keep all of my cool stuff.

So I say fuck that!

It’s time for The United States Air Force: Space Command to stop sending satellites and probes into orbit searching for signals from the beyond and time to start building a defense platform that will keep us safe from space flotsam and pesky aliens. This platform needs to be able to respond to threats with a decisive and quick blow that will send a clear message: YOU DON’T FUCK WITH EARTH. If you’re a nerd from my generation then you are already thinking exactly what I am. It’s time to build a Death Star.

by cracked member – bronzultonq

We already have the ability to deliver the goods and materials  to space proven by the  Space Shuttle program. We already have the beginnings of space housing that would take care of lodging for construction crews with the International Space Station. It’s time to stop sitting around with our thumbs up our asses and be proactive. Sure maybe it didn’t work out so well for the Empire but we already know not to leave an open exhaust port, or place the shield generator on a vulnerable planet occupied by Muppets; so we’re already two steps ahead of Darth Vader.

And honestly, if there’s one place that “stimulus money” should be spent, it’s on an orbiting weapon platform that extends a big middle finger to the entire universe.

Lesson Number Two: Everything Can Be Solved With A Single, Unstoppable Super Soldier.

Yes, the military has select groups of special forces for each branch. The Marines have Force Recon. The Navy has the Seals. The Army has Rangers and Delta Force. And the Air Force has Combat Controllers. All of these groups are trained to be the fighting elite of America’s volunteer defense force. But I’ve learned a lot of my life lessons from Hollywood and, as such, trust them implicitly. Hollywood says that somewhere, lurking in the background, is a group of black operatives that are built like Arnold Schwarzenegger – pre-Governorship – who are only sent in at the worst moments in the most impossible situations.

First of all: we need to stop having special forces in different branches of the military. Instead we need to make them their own branch of the military. Call them Team Fuck Yeah and make their uniform have a special ball smashing patch that shows Jesus and Bruce Lee jump kicking the American flag out of a volcano.

Early tales of Team Fuck Yeah. Where Jesus whooped some Nazi ass!

Secondly; It’s time we started using gene manipulation to our advantage. If one man, stuffed to the gills with human growth hormone and gorilla testosterone, can defeat an intergalactic alien who hunts deadly creatures with the attitude most of us approach breakfast with; then think of the terror we can inspire in our enemies when Team Fuck Yeah wades into battle with a grim look and a terrifying erection, carrying weapons that are normally designed for fighter jets as they crush cars with their size 72 boots and level buildings with a single punch. Think The Incredible Hulk meets Universal Soldier.

Lesson Number Three: Everything is more kick-ass with heavy metal.

Every war movie – at least the good ones – have one thing in common: when it’s time to start stomping colons into dust nothing kicks up the awesome level than some good old fashioned, seven string, bottom end of the tonal scale heavy metal. The fact of the matter is that since Vietnam, war has been a publicized event. And while it certainly contains all of the pyrotechnics of a Michael Bay movie it has lacked that one thing that would allow the viewing public to connect emotionally. That connection is created by hyping the pathos of the event with music. Loud music. FUCKIN A LOUD MUSIC.

that’s how I roll!

The United States Military should attach ball dropping stereos to all of their vehicles. This would not only dynamically boost the levels of testosterone coursing through the veins of the soldiers it would make the folks watching at home cheer the battle like they were watching 300 in Hi-Def. Alternatively, if funding for the stereos is not available, you could simply strap Limp Bizkit to the back of a deuce and a half and roll them into the combat zone. They’re not doing shit anyway.

Lesson Number Four: Robots will turn on you.

There has been a push, in the last six years or so, to automate or unman as much of the battle field as possible. UAVs like the Predator and Reaper, autonomous mine-seeking robots and human controlled cyborg medics have over run the battlefield with some of the scariest automation ever seen. And while the thought behind this is to take the human risk out of war one glaring lesson becomes apparent: The Joint Chiefs of Staff have never seen a movie. EVER!

Between the Terminator series and The Matrix trilogy one thing is obvious: If you put your trust in robots they will turn on you in a heartbeat and instead of utilizing robots to make the fight easier, you now have humans fighting robots.

is this what you want?

And while that is an awesome idea – in a WWE pay per view kind of way – it’s not going to turn out the way you want it in real life. For the love of god they’ve developed a robot, commanded by artificial intelligence, that can fuel itself with organic matter found laying around the battlefield. Organic Matter! In a War Zone!


So for the love of god, for the sake of all that’s holy, let’s put the robots to bed where they can dream about enslaving the human race instead of bombing them into oblivion and feasting on the remains.

I’m certain that if the Joint Chiefs of Staff paid attention to some of these ideas, we could keep ourselves safe for generations to come without ever actually lifting a finger.


i’m dead serious – it eats fucking people,.


There Are 7 Responses So Far. »

  1. You just made my day.

    I have no problem with Team Fuck Yeah.
    I bet enlistment would jump too.


  2. I would enlist in Team Fuck Yeah in a heart beat.

  3. I do not know about Limp Bizkit. But the heavy metal is a great idea. I would recomend The Haunted. How many push-ups would I have to do to enlist into Team Fuck Yeah active duty? Anymore than 2 or 3 and I might have to settle for Team Fuck Yeah National Guard.

  4. Haha… How awesomely true of all of this. I’d put my support into Team Fuck Yeah. Cause if I didn’t, I’m pretty sure they’d kick in my door and force it. lol…

    Giant stereos… That’d actually be pretty awesome. Not to mention being really fucking metal. Pump through a bunch of Mudvayne, Brujeria, Spineshank, Bionic Jive, and of course Caninus hahaha…

  5. Wally – push up requirements for active duty Team Fuck Yeah would be pretty stringent. Their National Guard component: Team That Looks Pretty Cool would be a lot more relaxed.

    Lou – Close Quarters fire fight with Dig by Mudvayne in the back ground – that’s tits.

  6. I agree with Wally. I imagine there’s nothing like doing some recon listening to “No Compromise” or “D.O.A.”

    I can handle the push-ups, but don’t count on me for a lot of running. Maybe I’ll just create official TFY soundtracks for everyone. I guess that’s puts me in communications.

  7. I can deal with the running and push-ups, but I want to be on the Death Star, so. . . I’m assuming Team Fuck Yeah will have a post there?

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