I would like to preface this story with a little known fact about myself: I LOVE ROBOTS. I think that there is very little in this world that is greater, or more powerful, than a death hungry robot. In my dream world, one where I am in control of everything and I rule with an oppressive drunken fist, I have an army of evil robots that run on the fear of small children and share my hatred for humanity. They follow the orders of me and no one else and will kill, maim, and destroy indiscriminately at my mere whim. Now keeping this in mind please consider that summer is here and record companies and concert venues are cashing in on the good weather and abundant audience by launching every summer concert series, festival, and hippie gathering known to man. Due to the fact that outdoor concert festivals get bigger every year, it gets harder and harder to fill the bill with worthwhile musical acts. You will probably see a few good bands. You will, undoubtedly, be subjected to all manner of bands who’ve passed their prime and really should hang it up.
Most bands don’t know when it’s time to simply shut up and live off of royalty checks. One begins to wonder if some of these bands have never read the end of Kurt Cobain’ suicide note, “It is better to burn out than to fade away.” If I had my army of robots we would venture from concert venue to concert venue enacting our musically savvy revenge. What follows is a list of bands who should just give up and quit but won’t. My robots would eat the souls of all of these bands, fuck their groupies, kick their rotting corpses and then replace the band with something that’s actually worth a shit.
BAND: Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy….what the fuck ever
REASON: You, sir, have absolutely no talent in music. All you do is remake music that other artists have made ( though saying that Sting is an artist is a bit of a stretch). The last decent musical act that you were attached to died in a hail of gun fire…which should be an omen of your career. And, by the way, your remake of Led Zeppelin for the Godzilla soundtrack make me want to have a razor blade enema.
METHOD OF DEATH: Lethal Robot Colonoscopy.
REPLACED BY: Tupac’s corpse. He’s put out nineteen albums since his death. What’s Biggie done? ROT.
BAND: Celine Dion
REASON: The Titanic song you fucking bitch. That fucking thing was everywhere. Every god damned time I turned around that fucking song made me want to kill myself. Not to mention the fact that you’re from Canadia. The only good thing to come out of Canadia is comedians. I have no idea how you got a show in Las Vegas and I’m not some sort of media god, but I hate you. Your warbling gives me bowel cancer.
METHOD OF DEATH: Deadly robot kick to the baby factory.
REPLACED BY: My dog Joe. He’s cute, he’s furry, he loves me and he’s not FUCKING CANADIAN.
BAND: Guns N’ Roses
REASON: Axl used to be the bad boy of everything: doing coke, fucking strippers, losing his mind on stage and causing riots. His band ushered in the era of “rock”. (please feel free to do that devil horn, hand thing). But it’s time to face facts: Chinese Democracy, a disk that has been ten years in the making, will in no way, shape or form live up to the hype. Slash, Duff, Matt and Izzy have all moved on. And after the abortion that was The Spaghetti Incident there is no coming back. Not even if you’re record was produced by God, and by that I mean Butch Vig and Dr. Dre.
METHOD OF DEATH: The robots round up every member of the new G n’ R, because Slash is beyond reproach in my opinion. Once they’re hog tied, and ball gagged, they are hurled into the sun, except for Buckethead. He’s given control of the U.S. Virgin islands and turns them into his private circus. Some freaks should be left to roam free.
BAND: The Rolling Stones
REASON: The 1960s are over. You’ve done about three dozen “We swear to god that this is the last time we’ll ever tour” Tours. Quite frankly, all of the members of your band should be sitting on their porches complaining about kids playing on their lawn and collecting social security. Gentlemen, it’s time to throw in the towel. Sure you rode into the states on the heels of the British Invasion thanks to the Beatles but your fucking time has passed. Anytime people fear for your life when you take the stage it’s time to give it up. Fuck guys, do it for Keith Richards. He’s practically an animated corpse as it is.
METHOD OF DEATH: Robots jump out from behind a wall and yell boo! Simultaneously every band member’s heart explodes and they shit out their internal organs, which is made into pâté to be fed to feral dogs.
REPLACED BY: Hot Pistol. If you’re looking for that classic rock sound without the geriatrics and smell of icy hot, Hot Pistol is your go to group. The Rolling Stones are to stuck up to have a few drinks with me. Hot Pistol, on the other hand, will get blitzkrieg drunk with me and play airsoft. Hot Pistol wins. The Rolling Stones? The just get older and die.
REASON: What the fuck happened here? This band started off being all sorts of heavy metal with their lead single Mudshovel and then turned into a worthless bag of wuss. They turned all sorts of sissy and suddenly every song is a ballad about how the lead singer’s dad never loved him. Maybe Aaron Lewis needs to take a nap, or get a hug, or overdose on Valium. ANYTHING that would prevent them from releasing another song where he whines on for seven hours about how much he hurts inside would benefit mankind. I want to make him hurt outside.
METHOD OF DEATH: Robots use the lasers in their eyes to surgically remove the skin from each of the band member’s bodies, which will be used to create a festive blanket to be used for picnics.
REPLACED BY: Howtokillpeople.com’s very own FUCK YOU BEAR . Fuck You Bear doesn’t care what you think, it doesn’t give a shit about you political agenda or your feelings, and he would probably kick you in the nuts if he thought it was funny.
REASON: This one actually hurts me to write. I was a huge fan of Metallica. WAS. You guys reinvented yourself and fooled everyone with your motor-city, rock-a-billy style with load and reload. But we all know that your last good album was …and justice for all. But Saint Anger? Really? I know you’re probably hiding behind the bullshit excuse of making an artistic statement. You want people to believe that you actually wanted to make a low-fi punk album indicative of your early work. But did you assholes record this thing on a fucking boom box? James Hetfield: Do the world a favor and start drinking again. Maybe then we don’t have to hear you preach about being sober and you can make a decent album again.
METHOD OF DEATH: The robots are sent to dig up the bones of Cliff Burton – the last great bass player that Metallica had – and the entire band is beat to death with his rotted bones. Then, just for good measure, the robots seek out and bludgeon Dave Mustaine to death as well.
REPLACED BY: Absent Me. Where Metallica once lead the way as the penultimate metal band, Absent Me shall now take over. They’re better musicians, better drinkers, better friends and I’m pretty sure Don’s wife could whoop Lars Ulrich’s ass. I’ll be doing a C.D. review of “Hate To Wake You”, Absent Me’ first, full length, cd here soon. Trust me, in a battle of ass kickery Absent Me would win everyday and twice on Sunday.
BAND: Kenny G. , John Tesh, Michael Bolton, and Yanni.
REASON: Opera is amazing, a great composer is fantastic, but a self righteous group of ass-hats serves one and only purpose: target practice. You fuck-holes have turned classical music and modern opera into a miasma of half-assed corporate ball licking and ego. I’m fairly certain that even David Hasselhoff is ashamed to know the lot of you.
METHOD OF DEATH: The robots advance upon their homes en masse crushing them with their gigantic robot penises. And as each of the two bit crap sniffers run screaming from their domiciles they are snapped in half by as the robots flick them like the boogers they are.
REPLACED BY: Musical Nipples clamps and a can of baked beans. Because hearing me scream like a howler monkey and farting is more entertaining.
Now at this point in time it is completely justifiable for you to wonder exactly what is worth listening to. And since you’ve turned to me to be your musical guide I will not lead you astray. Here’s the greatest thing I have found on the internet and I present it for your viewing and listening pleasure. NOW SUCK ON THAT BITCHES!