The Wickerman Reviewed

I’ll warn you that this article contains spoilers but trust me: by reading this you are going to save yourself nine dollars and the urge to bludgeon someone. Honestly, don’t even rent this movie. Here, I’ll give you the synopsis: (give it a sec for the pictures to load.)

When I saw the trailer for this movie I though it had the potential to be a great psychological thriller. What I got was a giant pile of crap. Not only was this movie hackneyed and cobbled together in an attempt to make a barely cohesive film, it was completely lacking in character. The first ten minutes of the movie doesn’t need to exist and should have been spent on developing how much Nicholas Cage’ character missed his fiance; who ran away from him. If you had done that I would have understood why he dropped everything when she sent him a mysterious letter requesting his help. But nope, you just chucked everyone in to the middle of your clusterfuck. What you should have done is hire the guy who made this movie look interesting in the commercials, and have him make the actual movie because the monkey fucker who actually made this movie should be making advertisements for Purina: dog chow.

Have you ever watched a movie and they show something that appears to be important, especially in a thriller, only to have them drop it later? That would be almost the entirety of this movie. In normal thrillers that’s called a “Red Hearing”. It’s a movie gimmick used to make you think you know what’s going on, only to lead you astray. In this movie it’s called “HOLY FUCK WE NEED TO FILL ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF FILM!” Though I do have to say that the movie had one redeeming sequence: Nick Cage cold-cock-decks the living shit out of Diane Delano’s character, and I mean flat-out-DECKED,then he Jump Kicks LeeLee Sobieski. I laughed so had at this that the rest of the audience was laughing at my reaction more than they were watching the film.

Since I’ve been a fan of Nicholas cage for a while, and everyone knows I have a top-secret database of the instant messenger screen names for celebrities, I wanted to talk to Nick about this personally:

…and the truth shall set you free.

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There Are 13 Responses So Far. »

  1. Hey, im just curious….did you happen to watch the original before going to see this?

  2. Thanks for saving me some $$$. “Blowing a goat” huh? That should pretty much get these results!

  3. yes!!! i love reading this shit, makes me all tingly “down there” knyuk knyuk knyuk. i’m still drunk from last night. where in the fuck is that monkey i was talking to a couple hours ago? i want to warn him about this movie. i wonder what goat penis tastes like…

  4. Travis, this post made me want to go have sympathy sex with Nic Cage. The only thing stopping me is the fact that my husband would probably get his panties in a bunch over it.

  5. This was funny! In fact, I linked it.

  6. I linked this on the Modern Drunkard Magazine forum

    http://moderndrunkardmagazine.com/bbs/viewforum.php?f=8

    they LOVE it!

  7. Travis, you are a beautiful, beautiful bastard. Thanks for saving me a) 12 bucks and b) torrent download time. I won’t even bother being interested in this film. I’m still giggling my ass off at the image of Nick Cage blowing a goat. =)

  8. What the fuck is wrong with you, and where can I commit myself to the required process?

  9. the actual giant Wickerman, wasnt ripped from burning man. The Wickerman is a remake of a movie with the same name. They didnt rip it off of Burning Man. Burning Man isnt identifiable by any youth demographic either. They are mostly middle aged hippies going there. The original is actually great though, check it out!

  10. I like to reap kides

  11. Its only because Coppola is his uncle that he gets a fuckin job, he is the worst actor next to Dalf Lungren. the only good movie’s he did was Rasing Arizona and leaving Las vegas where he played himself.

  12. I really do like nick cage but i got to admit that, This movie is some real bullshit, till the last minute you expect the back up and the happy ending, I didn’t like his act in ghost rider either when his was transfering to the creepy thing it was like his ass was on fire or something…

  13. Why did this post (and so many others) look so familiar? Oh yeah, because you model yourself after Maddox. Maybe you should cite where you get those ever-so-zany and cutting-edge ideas.

    http://maddox.xmission.com/

    Still kinda funny, regardless.

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