I don’t watch a whole lot of television. But occassionally, in between marathon rounds of Family Guy, Futurama, and pro-wrestling something might catch my eye. Usually it’s movie trailers that I’m drawn to but the other day I saw something that had me laughing so hard I almost shit my pants.
In truth: I did poo, but only a little.
I was blown away due tot he fact that OJ Simpson; yes OJ-I-Killed-That-White-Woman-And-As-Soon-As-No-One-Is-Looking-I’m-Gonna-Knife-Kato’s-Honky-Ass Simpson, is doing an interview in conjunction with the release of a book he has written. Both the interview and the book are titled: “If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened”.
I want you to take a moment to re-read that and let it sink in.
Unfortunately it looks as though fox has canceled the interview, which is probably both a good and bad thing. Up until this fiasco the realm of the “Tell All Book” had pretty much run its course. The greatest thing about our society, in times like this, is that things of this nature set a precedent. Think about it for a second: The realm of Celebrity home video was something unheard of. Then Pam and Tommy Lee made the nasty on tape and these days making a sex tape can pretty much start your career (thank you Paris Hilton you godless whore). And now that OJ has started the My Dick Is Bigger Than Yours contest I can’t wait to see what comes next. Fortunately I have friends in the publishing industry who have forwarded advance copies of some books that you can expect to see on bookshelves in the near future. I’ll be going over some of the key points and chapters of each book.
Gary Condit – How to hide an interns body. Not that I’ve ever had to.The key points of this book are a must read for any Washington insider looking to avoid the messy details that came about due to Monica Lewinsky style personal escipades. Some of the finer ingredients include:
- A guide on how to use your new political powers to make panties drop.
- Blow jobs: Busting a nut without getting busted.
- Ten things you never say to cops when you have a body in your trunk.
- A guide to North America’s least traveled back roads and swamps.
- Decomposition: things I learned on CSI to prevent police dogs from finding a body.
The Ramsey’s – How to sexually, verbally and mentally abuse your daughter then strangle her and throw her body in the basement and blame the whole thing on an unknown assailant. By two parents who would never do such a thing.
Some people said that this book would never hit the shelves. But John Marc Carr reignited the world’s obsession with this case and in doing so re-ignitged the interest of hrrible parents everywhere. A lot of people have children because they want them, or at least because they don’t want to mow the lawn anymore. But there’s a greater amount of people in this world who have children because they think it’s disrespectful to pull out and shoot it in someone’s hair. If you’re on of those ‘accidental’ parents; like the Ramsey’s, this book might help you. Of course this is hypothetical, the real killer is still out there.
- Beauty Pageants: grooming mental illness
- How to pick a scapegoat.
- It’s only a kid, remember you can make more.
- The amateurs guide to fake crying at a news conference.
Kobe Bryant – I’m not saying I raped that white woman. I’m just saying that if another black, power forward, who plays for the lakers, and has several championships under his belt were to do it; here’s how he could get away with it.
I wonder if every NBA player looks up to Will Chamberlain. He’s rumored to have had a running contest with Gene Simmons of Kiss as to how many women they could bang. At last count they had slept with the equivalent to every woman in North America three times over. I understand how hard it would be to live up to that reputation. Kobe explains, in graphic detail, how you too can fill those shoes…by hook or by crook.
- Roofies or GHB; which should you use?
- Allibies – how to get your friends to lie for you.
- It’s not cheating if you’re in another zip code.
- Fame: Use it to your advantage.
- Everything I ever needed to know about distracting the cops I learned from the Harlem Globetrotters.
Michael Jackson – Fucking little boys and getting away with it: A guide to making mixed drinks.
How many times has this guy been accused, put on trial, and acquitted of the crime of touching boys? Isn’t it about once a year or so? He’s gotten so fed up with the prosecution he’s actually moved to another country; a country where that’s not frowned upon. But even though Jack-o has left the states he still wants to show you how it’s done…allegedly.
-Carnival Games: The new candy.
-Chemicals that leave no after taste in soda or juice.
- Mike’s Specialty drink: The Polynesian face fucker.
- Buy in bulk and always be prepared.
- Lower their inhibitions; lube ‘em up with liquor.
Tom Cruise – How to suck cock like a rabid gay man. OR A WOMAN! (Women do that too right?)
Tom’s sexuality has been questioned on numerous occasions. He was married to, in my opinion, one of the hottest women in Hollywood and adopted three kids. Why he didn’t just nail the hell out of Nicole Kidman and make is own is beyond me. From what I gathered this book is the fictional tale of a young man named “Tim Cruzz” and the valuable lessons he learned on the set of a fighter piot movie.
-Cupping the balls: Gentle yet firm.
- Make up for your gag reflex with enthusiasm.
- Come on mister, it aint gonna suck itself.
- Faking a marriage and pregnancy: It can work as a cover for you too.
Winona Rider -It’s the pills that are addicted to me.
I miss the days when she was the darling of the indy film circuit. But like most people in Hollywood they can’t just stick with being one thing and they have to take steps that they think will improve their standing. Apparently one of these steps for Ole Winona and her career was shop-lifting while looped to the hilt on pain meds. Though I have to say that I’ve learned something: I want to be a famous actor so I can write off my indiscretions as research for a roll.
“Travis why are you doing cocaine while banging prostitutes and lighting a midget on fire?”
“It’s research for a roll, a big roll. This roll is so multi-faceted that once I am done with this I’ll be hunting human beings with nothing but a louisville slugger.”
“Who’s the director?”
“Carry on then sir.”
Anna Nicole Smith – How to fuck your way into pre-existing wealth.
I don’t think I even need to intro this one. All I will say is that before Anna swallowed a baby elephant; she was pretty hot. That picture does not look like the human outhouse that she truly has become over the last couple of years. Though her book is definite must have for gold digging whores everywhere.
- Titties are a weapon, use ‘em
- Learning how to cope with all of the extra loose skin floating around his old balls.
- Hand Jobs: the acceptable substitute to actually riding a man who can remember prohibition.
- A list of kinky things you can do with his oxygen bottle.
- Comes with an appendix of the world’s wealthiest men with heart conditions including their sexual fantasies and a financial statement.
Mel Gibson & Michael Richards – Subversive Racism: A theoretical prospectus on the ins and outs of Hollywood hate.
I’ve found something out. Apparently the jews run everything and if you heckle a comedian you’re a nigger; who knew? This book really is an amazing glut of information concerning racism, but not real racism, it’s all for shock value right? Sure: and the Bataan Death March was just a moral boosting fun run that turned ugly. Though Mel and Mike have done a good job of teaching you how to cover your tracks.
- Hate groups you can identify yourself with.
-Racist Slang: Choose your words wisely.
-Zionists, kikes, niggers, chinks, japs and spics: They’re out to get you.
- Give yourself an out: Drugs/ Booze/ Early childhood abuse.
- It even comes complete with standard apology form to be issued to members of the press and the aclu. Because even if you meant it when you were hammered, you’re going to have to answer for it eventually.
Seeing as how the holiday shopping season has just begun i suggest you start looking for these titles along with OJ’s book – just because fox cancelled it doesn’t mean it won’t show up eventually; hell he might even self publish through LULU.com . And I know what you’re thinking, “Travis if you write a book what will it be called?” Well childrens the liklihood of me ever actually getting a book deal is slim to fucking none. But if i did the title would be: “Pro-Wrestling, Liquor and Automatic Weapons: How I got famous by telling dick and fart jokes on the internet.” or “I make my mother cry.” or “Your Parents Hate You.” We’re trying to decide which one has more marketing potential.