Every few years Apple tells the world that it is going to steam roll it’s way into a particular sub-genre of the consumer electronics industry. Each time they do this they not only set the industry standard in that particular form factor but they also come away with enough money to make solid gold replicas of Steve Jobs’ balls six stories high.
This Wednesday Apple is holding a big time press conference to announce their next great innovation and the rumor mills all have raging hard-ons over the only thing this could possibly be: The Famed Apple Tablet. Of course this theory still exists in the realm of wild speculation but that speculation has been enough to drive every apple fanboy in existence into a state of frenzy that can only be described by science as “Ape Raping,Glass Eating, Insanity.”
pictured: Apple Tablet Enthusiast in mid delirium.
Well ponder no more my friends for I have, through a series of events that I’m not particularly proud of, gotten a first hand, unfettered look at the new Apple Tablet. Here’s how it happened:
Jason Roberts is one of the lead developers of interface design for Apple’s latest skunkworks project. He has spent the last three years diligently working on the coding that will allow for human interaction with what is being billed as Apple’s genre defining masterpiece: The Tablet. His responsibility is to ensure that redefining how a person connects to a computer is as seamless and organic as possible. This exhaustive research has lead him to some amazing breakthroughs in the areas of computational development but the one thing that it didn’t do was teach him how to take a punch without crumbling like the last girl scout who tried to sell me cookies. You show up at my door to peddle your wares and you better bring your fucking A game – and thin mints.
“You only have samoas? Bitch you better take your jive shit to some other turkey.”
“Good, you’re awake. You and I need to have a little talk about this tablet of yours.”
“Who the fuck are you?”
“My name is Travis. I’m from the internet. Surely you’ve heard of me.” The look he gave me was one of utter fright and confusion. He definitely knew who I was.
“How the fuck did you get in here?”
I’d managed to wiggle my way onto one of the most famous campuses in computer history through a series of acts that can only be described as woefully shameful and blatantly sadistic. There are some things you can never unsee and I swear I did all of those things to secure this interview. I never knew that Apple employed some of the most morally bereft and sexually perverse security guards that have existed this side of a furry convention. Seriously people who get off on dressing like school mascots and boning each other scare the living hell out of me and those Apple guards made them seem tame. Once this whole thing is over I’m probably going to have to bathe in kerosene and bleach before I even begin to feel like a human again. The things that….
Apparently I had been narrating too long for Captain I don’t like long drawn out perverse jokes.
“I got here on good luck, charm and a little help from my friend here.” I toed the large black duffel bag at my feet carefully and it flapped open just enough for my new acquaintance to peak inside.
“Sweet waffle flavored shit-sticks; are those things wiggling and glowing?” The awe in his voice was palpable along with the scent of urine in the air. I couldn’t be sure if my captive had pissed himself or if I’d simply lost control of my bladder due to the fact that I’d been huffing paint fumes for three hours prior to this in order to get up the courage to go through with it. I reached gently into the bag and removed two items: A large, cylinder driven grenade launcher and a large plastic cage of irradiated scorpions.
“Oh my god what the fucking hell is that thing?”
“It’s a little thing I created for situations where diplomacy has failed and one must resort to more creative means of coercion: The Radioactive Scorpion Gun.”
Diplomacy- with balls
I methodically started loading glowing scorpions into catridges as Jayce-and-the-wheeled-warriors stared.
“I will tell you anything you want to know. No joke. I will answer any question you have no matter how demeaning or secret as long as you keep that fucking thing away from me.”
I shot him once just to show that I mean business. Or my finger slipped because after sniffing what I thought was cocaine, but turned out to be dishwashing detergent, I was a little twitchy and losing feeling in my extremities. Whoops.
“Oh god it’s on me. It’s stinging me. It won’t stop stinging me.”
“He’s just being playful and getting to know you. His name is Sigmund and he wants to be your friend.” God damn I was seriously messed up.
“It’s…I’m not joking it’s trying to crawl inside my mouth and eat my soul. If you get this thing off of me I swear to god I will take you directly to the tablet prototype. You can play with it. OW. And you can see how it works. HOLY FUCK BALLS THAT HURTS. YOU CAN KEEP IT JUST GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!”
I gingerly picked up Sigmund off of Jane Austin and placed him back in the cage with his brothers and sisters. As I was putting him in his home he and three of his brothers stung me on my hand. Instantly I started feeling all tingly. If I’d done my science right, in mere moments I would begin developing super powers. Tonight was going to be as awesome as I thought.
Jason vs. Freddy and I left his office and started down the hallway to R&D. I was trailing him with my scorpion gun, the bag of stingy, glowing ammunition and sipping on a bottle of windex. Beggars can’t be choosers. I’d used up all of my savings – $47.50 -paying for gas to get here and it was the only thing left in my car to drink. He lead me into a clean room and there, on a solitary table, lay the fabled item.
“As you can see it’s a 10 inch capacitive reactance screen,” he touched the face of it and it came alive, “ it’s running an advanced version of the iPhone 4.0 OS.” He picked up the tablet and a camera on the face of it activated. A voice spoke “Hello, Jason, you have 37 new emails, 4 unread items in your rss and I’ve finished downloading season 2 of Friends. The weather today is…”
“WHO IN THE MIDGET PUNCHING HELL SAID THAT?!?!” I screamed. I feared that all of the horrible shit that I’d done to myself and the scorpion stings were coming back to haunt me. I started firing wildly about the room. “Don’t cross the streams Egon or they’ll be hell to pay!”
“Holy shit man,” he said, “That’s the tablet. It’s has a forward facing camera and facial recognition. When you pick it up it recognizes who you are and loads your prefs and data.”
“You’re in cohoots with the ghost?” I leveled the scorpion gun at his head.
“NO. IT’S NOT A GHOST. IT’S THE MACHINE. PUT THAT FUCKING THING DOWN.” Ole what’s his name was starting to look a little woozy. “We need to hurry this up, I think I need a doctor and you’re not looking to well.” I’d gone blind in my left eye and I was twitching uncontrollably. My first super power was certainly about to manifest.
“Look, that’s all well and good, but my readers – you know, on the internet – need to know what this fancy tablet can do before they shit their pants in anticipation. Also I’m pretty sure everyone involved in the internet has IBS. I can’t be sure on that one, but I know that I am all over that internet stuff and I’m fairly certain that I’ve just shit myself.”
“Yes sir, yes you have. That’s – I’m going to be honest with you, that’s fucking disgusting.”
“Whatever Jaime Lynn Spears, just get on with it.”
“Well as you can see it runs apps like the traditional iPhone and it…”
“We know that. That shit’s been leaked on the internet for months now. Tell me something I don’t know.”
He slid his four foot long monster fingers across the touch screen and began bringing up new apps. Apps that I’d never seen available in the app store. Games and emulators. Full screen video editing. And a portal to the third rung of hell. It was at about this time that I realized I might be hallucinating.
“Also it’s designed to be an ereader that will connect to the barnes and noble, amazon and sony libraries along with the new iTunes epublishing catalogue.” He smiled up at me with his demon face. Yup, my first super power was hallucinating like a brown acid trip at the original Woodstock.
“I know all of this.” I said backing up and shouldering my scorpion gun. “But this is supposed to be more. So many people have so much of their hopes and dreams wrapped up in this machine. If the iPhone is the Jesus Phone this is supposed to be the GOD MACHINE. This thing is supposed to unite the world, end famine, bring about religious equality. FOR FUCK’S SAKE MAN THIS IS THE TABLET. MAKE IT DO MAGIC.”
The room began to swim in colors and lights. It was me and Jas-o-rama standing in the middle of a technicolor world wind. It was like orgasming Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate factory in a blender. I was pretty sure, at this point, that this was going to be the best night of my life.
“Okay, I’ll level with you,” ole Demon Tits said coyly, “we’ve put some fancy shit on this thing. It’s only in beta right now and we’re still debating whether or not it will be included in the final release. And the only reason I’m telling you this is because I fear for my life on such a primal level right now that I’d do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to not be in this room with you. I’d swim a volcano if it meant I’d never have to see you again. Honestly I’d rather be in a room with Hitler.”
“Can it Fart Farmer. Show me your goods.”
He quickly pantomimed gestures across the interface.A bright BETA FUNCTIONS logo flashed across the screen and then ran up the wall and made a nest in the corner of the room.
“The entire back of the device is a multitouch interface. Think of it like the contra code for Apple…”
“up up down down left right left right b a start.”
“Wow, the fact that you recited that in your state says something about your maturity level. Also, if you could please get your hands out of your pants that would…well it would make this horribly awkward and frightening situation a lot less weird.”
I would’ve done what he asked were it not for the fact that my limbs had gained sentience and were currently embroiled in a life or death struggle with my crotch.
“I see that you’re rather set on tugging at your junk…so I’ll go on. Area 51 has been using these as their sole research device for the last ten years and, as such, you can, with the right gestures, access the entire database of their research and archives. If you’ll look here you can see that we confirmed the existence of alien life 78 years ago and have been in a constant dialogue with creatures from a galaxy 140 million light years from here for generations. Also with a simple swipe,” his monstrous digits flailed over the rear of the device like he was petting a metallic puppy, “You can instantaneously link every piece of electronics in your home to this one device. Control everything from your Xbox to your toaster from here. You don’t even have to do any set up or configuration. It does it automatically. Also it has a built in chat client where your only IM contact is The President.”
Everything he said had turned into flies in the air. It was all buzzing and nonsense. His face was slowly starting to melt away and resemble my third grade teacher Mrs. Latone.
“On top of that it plays the first ever interactive HD Video.”
“HD video is nothing to proud of. I’m fairly certain that I can play HD video with kidneys if I wire them correctly…”
“No, you don’t understand. Take off your pants and I’ll show you.”
With the concoction of chemicals running through my body I was certain that my sexual prowess had reached Burt Reynolds levels, but this was one turn that I was – well to be I honest I was completely expecting to have to drop my pants during some point of this interview. I just didn’t think I would be doing it A) at someone else’s request and B) in a non-threatening manner.
Jay and Silent Bob placed the tablet gingerly on the table in front of me. “Seriously, this is probably one of the greatest features that exists in the Beta Tablet and you need to see it.” He eyed me with sincerity like I haven’t seen since the last time I went to confession, fingered a few buttons with his eagle claw hand, and the tablet started playing a pornographic movie. Obligingly I let my pants drop to my ankles and cautiously shuffle stepped to the table.
“Place your balls on the screen.”
Christmas had indeed come early. I politely placed my balls on the screen as I was instructed and that most miraculous of things happened: they were cradled. Not only cradled but massaged in time to the video. The screen, normally a solid piece of glass had turned into liquid like the fucking T-1000 and was ever so gently manipulating my man parts. It was at this, my most vulnerable of moments, that the door slid open behind me and in walked Steve Jobs.
“Hey Steve,” I said calmly. This was not the first time that I had met someone of influence while my junk was out in plain view. “What are you doing here?”
“Mr. Jobs insists on being here when the first consumer interacts with each of his new products,” Jason and the Argonauts said meekly.
With my junk still being politely massaged by The Tablet I asked, “And why is that?”
Slowly Steve started to unbuckle his pants and my former hostage said, “Mr. Jobs understands that he can only metaphorically rape all of the customers which is why he chooses to literally rape the very first early adopter. And for the Apple Tablet, that happens to be you.”
oh yeah, this is definitely going to happen
Moving like a cheetah on PCP Jason snatched my Radioactive Scorpion gun from my hand and shot me seven times, directly in the balls. Mercilessly the scorpions pinched and stung at my exposed yam-bag.
“What are you doing?!” I screamed at them, “We’re friends. I raised you all since you were puppies.”
The combination of scorpion stings and household cleaners running through my veins was too much for me too take. I started to black out. Slowly I began to slump down onto the table, my eyesight from my one remaining good eye fading into blackness. And as I slid into the abyss the last thing I remember is Steve Jobs skinny – yet wolfman hairy form – sauntering towards me with a swagger not seen since John Travolta first strutted down the New York sidewalks in Saturday Night Fever.
Several days or weeks later I awoke on my couch in a cold sweat. The possibility exists that I may have hallucinated every last bit of the story I told you. But in hindsight; unless the almighty Apple Tablet can do everything I’ve mentioned, including the massaging of one’s bathing suit areas, it’s not going to live up to anywhere near the hype that’s been placed on it and it will be a flashy, shiny disappointment.
But the rape is definitely going to happen.
guess I can cross “working for apple” off of my to-do list