Seeing as how I spend a majority of my time slogging through the heart of the jungle of geekiness I figured I would take the time out of my life to explain to you people that there are other types of geeks out there by creating this Zoological Classification Manual of the most common geeks one might encounter. Don’t thank me, just start studying, because this just might save your life someday.
Scientific Name: Geekus Rollforinitiatous
Common Name: Gaming Geek
Appearance: Due to lack of exposure to light the Geekus Rollforinitiatous is generally pale in appearance. The mainstay diet of Funyuns and Mt. Dew has left the Geekus Roleforinitiatous greasy in complexion and due to “late night raids on World of Warcraft” the Geekus Rollforinitiatous’ eyes are generally glossed over and bright red.
Indigenous Environment: Often found in subterranean enclaves (re: basements) and converted garage rec-rooms the Geekus Rollforinitiatous decorates it’s dwelling with strategy guides and world maps for easier reference. Due to the lack, generally, of female interaction the Geekus Rollforinitiatous’ dwelling is usually messy and smells like feet and allergy medicine.
Behavior: The Geekus Rollforinitiatous of olden days traveled in small, all male, packs that lacked in much social interaction. Due to the advances of technology the Geekus Rollforinitiatous is now a lone entity preferring to spend time ‘online’ gaming and gets much of its social interaction and order through MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games). Often you will hear Geekus Rollforinitiatous speaking of guilds and mana. Save for the rare appearance at conventions such as PAX; Geekus Rollforinitiatous spend much of their free time in seclusion.
Scientific Name: Geekus Filmsnobus
Common Name: Movie Geek
Appearance: This variety of geek varies in appearance but are generally clad in Jeans and T-shirts with clever film quotes; though they have eschewed the current cultural ‘Thug’ fascination with the movie Scarface. Their hair is typically messy and the face usually has a small amount of hair growth because the Geekus Filmsnobus has greater worries than personal appearance. Though often clad in dark colors – grey and black – they are easily distinguished from the “Goth” by their acceptance of social interaction and a practice that is like Kryptonite to the Goth: Laughter.
Indigenous Environment: The Geekus Filmsnobus spends short periods of each day hibernating in their secondary dwellings known as “The Theater”. Though that should not be confused with the “multiplex” which is a place that the Geekus Filmsnobus rarely visits except to concede to guilty pleasures such as “The Summer Blockbuster”. Though you’d be hard pressed to get the Geekus Filmsnobus to admit to seeing, let alone enjoying, anything with the name “Bruckheimer” attached to it.
Behavior: The Geekus Filmsnobus spends a great deal of time reading insider magazines and articles online for spoilers and tidbits about upcoming films. Usually attaching themselves to a single writer or director the Geekus Filmsnobus treats them like deities upon whose alter they should lay gifts and sacrifices. The Geekus Filmsnobus are typically elitist in their views of the entertainment medium and consider you below their understanding of film as an art form, entertainment genre and metaphor for life.
Scientific Name: Geekus Indilabelisic
Common Name: Music Geek
Appearance: This geek has, quite possibly, the greatest variety of outward appearance; each of which is defined by the subset of the musical genre that they associate with. Oft times one can find Geekus Indilabelisic hiding, subversively, in mainstream society where, by all outward appearances, they have hidden their genetic indie disposition. (See figure A.) But, in studying the Geekus Indilabelisic, one can find that the external decoration choices made in their youth belies their true nature.
Indigenous Environment: The Geekus Indilabelisic can be easily found in independent retail outlets searching through tomes of ancient musical archives sometimes called “records” or “vinyl” because vinyl implies an exclusivity. The more modern and adaptive Geekus Indilabelisic – much like it’s counterparts – can be found rooted in front of their computer browsing through internet sites and myspace music. Occasionally, during non-work days and when it’s acceptable to “get piss drunk” you can find Geekus Indilabelisic at local bars and clubs searching for the next great undiscovered band…that they can lord over your head.
Behavior: The Geekus Indilabelisic is typically an antisocial creature that prefers the company of its library of music as opposed to human companionship. When this creature does travel with members of its own kind it is mostly on the way to or from the aforementioned concerts that it attends. Much like Geekus Filmsnobus the Geekus Indilabelisic thinks that it is better than you and professes to have “Not even listened to the radio in…like…five years.” But then back-peddles in a self defense maneuver when you find a Justin Timberlake CD in their car.
Scientific Name: Geekus Blowhardous
Common Name: Political Geek
Appearance: Often adorned in political slogans and buttons the Geekus Blowhardous, quite literally, wears their viewpoints and opinions on their sleeve. Not to be confused with their 1960s counterpart – The Fucking Hippy – Geekus Blowhardous wears similar items and adornments though they can be easily identified as looking like “Loud Mouthed State workers on their lunch break”. Don’t let the cheap suit or SUV fool you; Geekus Blowhardous uses these as camouflage when they enter the regular world in order to pass unsuspecting.
Indigenous Environment: Most commonly found at Starbucks or high end cafés the Geekus Blowhardous rarely ventures out of the comfort of the suburbs save for work or ski vacations. When on ‘Holiday’ as they like to refer to it, the Geekus Blowhardous can be seen in the lodge as opposed to actually getting out and exerting energy.
Behavior: Regardless of their political leanings, be they left, right, up or fucking down, the Geekus Blowhardous knows how you should be living your life and they are more than willing to inform you. After a long hard day of listening to talk radio and filled to the gills with the dogma of Rush Limbaugh, Al Fraken, Sean Hannity and Randy Rhodes they will dive from their cubicles to the local Starbucks to discuss the latest Coop, Election, War or political scandal. While the Geekus Blowhardous will, more than likely, proffer and pundit about causes that they should stand behind they will rarely act themselves. For Example:
Geekus Blowhardous “What happened in New Orleans is just tragic. Someone should help those people.”
Me: “Why don’t you volunteer?”
Geekus Blowhardous “Oh, there’s no way I’d be able to get down there besides…there’s black people down there and from what I hear they’re out of usable food and are now hunting and eating white women.”
Me: “I’m going to stab you in the face!”
Scientific Name: Geekus Funnypicturous
Common Name: Comic Book Geek
Appearance: Big, little, fat, skinny, young or old there is one common thread through the outward appearance of Geekus Funnypicturous: more than likely they are dressed up like their favorite superhero even though they have no fucking business being in spandex. Geekus Funnypicturous is often seen on the extreme end of the physical scale either dangerously skinny or dangerously fat. Scientists very rarely find members of Geekus Funnypicturous in a mid-range healthy weight class. The Geekus Funnypicturous, when in public and out of costume, can easily be identified sitting in a corner, clothed in their favorite characters merchandise. It is not uncommon to see several pieces of their outer adornments match in order to display their loyalty to their favorite character: I.E. Batman backpack and beanie, Spiderman shoes and jacket.
Indigenous Environment: The environment of Geekus Funnypicturous is a rapidly dwindling habitat. As the corporate bookstores have moved into the realm of selling Trade Paper Backs at cut rate prices the neighborhood comic book shop has become all but obsolete. Occasionally Geekus Funnypicturous can be seen in Barnes and Nobles clutching a frapacino while they sit on the ground of the “Graphic Novel” aisle. In this situation they are usually confused and scared and the only thing that is keeping them from attacking is the calmative effect of holding a recognizable item in their hands. In the rare occasion that their community does posess a neighborhood comic store they can be seen in an opium like haze within it’s tiny confines; safe and sated.
Behavior: To the Geekus Funnypicturous the world of their fantasies might as well be a reality. They become so involved in the alternate world of their stories that they can be seen crying, laughing or jumping for joy at the merest plot twist. ( One case study pointed out that in 1993-94, during the Death Of Superman story arc, at least one in every five Geekus Funnypicturous could be found wandering the streets aimlessly muttering the phrase “But…he’s the man of steel. No one can kill the man steel.” Which was immediately followed by binge drinking and a renouncement of faith.) Generally considered some of the most harmless of the Geekus family the Geekus Funnypicturous has become emboldened as of late with Hollywood’s acceptance of their counter culture.
Scientific Name: Geekus Piledriven
Common Name: Wrestling geek
Appearance: Though their heroes and icons are in peek physical condition the Geekus Piledriven are quite the opposite. Adorned in childish garments with slogans professing “Fuck Fear, Drink Beer” and “Layeth The Smacketh Down” the Geekus Piledriven is readily identifiable in public. Like a throwback to marsupials the Geekus Piledriven has an external pouch in which it carries its goods and, occasionally, snacks. This pouch was thought to be extinct in the species but Geekus Piledriven has refused to give up the use of the almighty “Fanny Pack”.
Indigenous Environment: Unlike most of the Geekus Phylum the Geekus Piledriven is most often found in large crowds of worship in their religious temples. They have been known, according to historic record travel in such great packs as to overwhelm their surrounding environment. According to information found in an archaeological dig in Detroit Michigan there once gathered there a great crowd of 93,000+ for a religious event that they have termed “The Slam Heard ‘Round The World.”
Behavior: The Geekus Piledriven is known to be loud mouthed and opinionated on a subject that no one really gives a fuck about. While normally docile and aloof in person they become giants, nay GODS, when posting online and in forums. The IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) is built around the Geekus Piledriven and their need to be right all the god damned time. Much like Geekus Filmsnobus the Geekus Piledriven attaches itself to one wrestler (or superstar) and in ‘putting over’ there chosen deity are more than willing to sacrifice life and limb to see said wrestler hold their chosen title.
Scientific Name: Geekus Con-Maximus
Common Name: star wars/star trek geek
Appearance: Of the entire Geekus Phylum The Geekus Con-Maximus is the most easily identifiable. The Geekus Con-Maximus may posess traits of several of the Geekus family including, but not limited to: Pale Skin, Greasy Hair, Acne and a look of general “What The Fuck” after watching the prequels to the “Holy Trilogy”. The Geekus Con-Maximus wears costumes that are bright in color, dependent upon which sub-phylum they identify with, that stand out and do nothing to camouflage them with their surrounding environment.
Indigenous Environment: In their hey day The Geekus Con-Maximus were readily seen everywhere due to the proliferation of their respective religious iconic imagery (I’m sure you remember when Star Trek was on TV and Star Wars was in the theaters) but these days they are relegated to their yearly pilgrimages. Much like Muslims visit meccah and Jews must trek – no pun intended – to the wailing wall so must Geekus Con-Maximus make its way to the CON (convention: a gathering of the various Geekus family at different parts of the country. Though Geekus Con-Maximus is known only to visit the CON that represents their personal beliefs.)
Behavior: One thing that is little known about the Geekus Con-Maximus is where the split between the two subspecies came from. Geekus Con-Maximus/Star Trek and Geekus Con-Maximus/Star Wars are bitter enemies and have been known to slap fight, to the death, over their zealous religious differences. In a report released by the Vatican one such instance occurred in Los Angeles, CA. USA in which opposing CONs were held across the street from each other. A violent bloodbath of yelling, spitballs and girl-like bitch slapping occurred upon the appearance of one of the rarest geek species – A Female. The battle over the one, acceptable and attractive female resulted in the deaths of 13,000. Sadly this scene was the closest that most Geekus Con-Maximus has ever come to a scantly clad woman.
Scientific Name: Geekus Desperatous
Common Name: Goth
Appearance: What you might think are shadows or specters are actually the lowest species on the geek scale: The Goth. Easily identifiable in public the Geekus Desperatous dresses in all black no matter the season or heat index. In hotter regions Geekus Desperatous has been known to drop by the handful out of refusal to simply wear a pair of fucking shorts. The female of the species is a great dichotomy being either frightening or jaw droppingly hot. But no matter which; each one prescribes to the same outward appearance guidelines. Paler than all of the Geekus family it is advised that one not stare directly at the Geekus Desperatous for you might go blind.
Indigenous Environment: Indy coffee shops, indy theaters and anything outside of the “mainstream” is the refuge of the Geekus Desperatous. Though the greatest gatherings can be found at any place where “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is playing or a Hot Topic (Though the irony of the fact that Hot Topic has co-opted and consumerised their lifestyle is lost on Geekus Desperatous).
Behavior: The Geekus Desperatous is an antisocial and nocturnal creature that has been known to piss their pants and burst into flames at the mere thought of the sun. As the weakest of the Geek Species the Geekus Desperatous has a variety of weaknesses; including, but not limited to:
Though this is a fairly comprehensive list it is not, by any means, a complete one. There are several lesser known species of geeks that are still being studied and classified including:
The Theater Geek
The Nascar Geek (Whose power seems to be derived from their all powerful mullets)
And The Sports Geek: (This is the only type of geek that displays different stage of development: The Pro Sports Geek (adult), The College Sports Geek (larvae) and The High School Sports Geek (pupa, though this variety is only found in the south).
Now that you have been informed you are free to study the different geeks so that you can better recognize them in your daily life and, if neccesary, hunt them.