I’m not much for the idea of New Year’s resolutions, but as I find myself on the cusp of “for realsies adulthood” I figured it might not be a bad idea to layout some reasonable goals for the next year. My hope is that in etching these goals in clay on this here internet that I’ll be forced to be honest about my process on these endeavors and maybe you – you being the seven people who read this – might become interested in some of the projects I’m working on.
Item One: I’m going to finish my book.
I’ve been working on several books for quite a few years now. The problem with this is that I have been working on SEVERAL. This A.D.D approach has netted me a lot of ideas but zero results. Imagine laying out several hundred puzzles at once and trying to put them together, one piece at a time, certainly you would eventually finish them but the time frame under which this would take place would likely see the second coming of the dinosaurs. Or the first coming of Raptor Jesus. With that in mind I’ve decided to focus on one book for the next year. The premise of the book is a man’s view of wedding planning and all things that surround a wedding. I started working on this book five months before I got married but my retarded muppet like attention span has prevented me from completing it. My goal is to have this book ready to submit to publishers by the end of the year.
Item Two: I’m going to get one thing published by Cracked.com
Every genre of entertainment and art has their Carnegie Hall. For country music it’s The Grand Ole Opry. For ballet it’s the metro-robot-ballet-o-rama. And for sophomoric, cock centric humor on the internet; Cracked.com is the motherland. I’ve been told that I’ve captured “The Voice” of cracked but I don’t know that I’ve managed their format. I will change that and then bathe in the unending wave of bare tits that internet fame will undoubtedly bring.
Shit tons of humor. Also; DONGS!
Item Three: I’m going to learn to draw again.
I used to love to draw. When I joined the military they took the “artsy” part of me, shit on it and locked it in a basement somewhere. While this subjugation of my serious side allowed the comedian to flourish it also killed my ability to draw. Drawing is like a muscle; if you don’t exercise it; it atrophies. It can be recovered but the rehab that is needed to bring that muscle back up to a mediocore standard is daunting. The purpose behind this is…
Item Four: I’m going to launch two new features for this website.
The purposes of starting this new website – and one of the things I needed in order to distinguish it from howtokillpeople.com- was to be honest. I wanted this site to be written not merely from the perspective of a caricature of myself; who is comprised solely of a drunken lunatic who thinks of nothing but robots and titties; but also to encompass the literary parts of me that comprise the whole of my identity: the father, the writer, the artist and the sometimes philosopher. Each of these voices must be given credence if I am to be honest with my audience and more importantly myself. I say all of this as not only a primer for you but as permission for myself to extend beyond dick jokes.
I’m reluctant to say what these new features will be because I don’t want to pigeonhole myself into an idea without it being fully realized and I don’t want to throw out an idea only to realize that there is no way in hell I can do that. And then I’ve alienated an expecting audience.
Look at it this way: When Nine Inch Nails latest album “The Slip” came out, for free mind you, Trent did not spend months hyping up the album. Trent Reznor was released from his label, spent a lot of time on twitter, and basically said, “Now that I can do what I want I’m going to make things awesome for you, the fan.” This left the community open to whatever idea Trent came up with; without any expectation. So no matter what kind of thing he released the audience would accept it.
On the other side of the coin is one of my other favorite bands: Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan announced, at the beginning of the year, that Smashing Pumpkins would be putting out a free, 44 song MEGA-ALBUM, one song at a time over the next…whenever. By announcing a big deal thing without having A.) the big deal thing complete and B.) having absolutely ZERO time frame for it’s complete release. By doing this it makes the audience expectation level rise to a point that almost can not be met and it makes their disappointment level rise when what is delivered doesn’t live up to the unreasonable expectations.
In this scenario of new things I’m going to be doing I’d like to be more like Reznor than Corgan. All of this leads me to probably the toughest goal….
Item Five: I’m going weekly with this shit!
No matter how much we brag about the influence of the new media regime; the viewers; myself included, have all been conditioned by the old media standard. When it comes to our entertainment dollar we all want regularly updated content, on a schedule we can count on. Let’s see if this makes sense in a different context. If every single day of the week there were fourteen-quadrillion new TV shows being sent out over the air waves then the gamble for your viewership would almost be a futile enterprise. To make matters worse consider the fact that a majority of those tv shows aren’t airing new episodes on a regular basis. How pony -kickingly pissed off would you be if you never knew when the next episode of your favorite tv show was going to air? Sometimes it’s every week. Sometimes it’s every couple of weeks. Hell, sometimes it may be months before you see a new episode. How infuriating would that be? Just ask any fan of Lost. Well that’s the quandary we at the internet find ourselves in. Each and every day there are fourteen-quintillion new pages published to this thing we call the world wide web. And each of those pages are vying for the dedication of your eyeballs. Research* has shown that viewers are more likely to patronize your content “IF” that content is updated regularly and “IF” those regular updates can be applied to a schedule. No matter how much the new media of the internet is attempting to remove itself from the old network rules, the viewers still want regular programming.
Imagine, if you will, what the world of entertainment would be like if your favortie show updated on the same – “fuck it whatever” schedule that most bloggers, including yours truly, proscribed to. You would never know when the next episode of Dexter would be airing. You’d be forced to check Showtime every day, all hours of the day, just to see if the show you were hooked on was going to put out a new episode. Oh sure you could set a reminder, AKA and rss feed, but the lack of reliability would eventually turn you off and you’d eventually just download the series off of bittorrent at the end of the season in order to avoid the bullshit. Well we here at the internet recognize your dilemma and that is why, from here on out, content on Whiskey For Breakfast will be delivered, regularly every Tuesday. This is a tough hurdle for a one man operation but for the success of the site it needs to be done.
These are my plans and I am going to work as diligently as possible to achieve each and every one of them. I’m very excited for what the first year of my thirties is going to bring and I hope, with these goals set out in front of me, that this will be the most productive year of my life.
i hope you’re as excited as i am