I just saw a movie that will, from this point forward, set the standard for jaw dropping personal film making. If you watch this movie and your jaw doesn’t hit the floor the movie will literally reach off the screen, rip your arm off, and break your face with it. That movie is the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double feature homage to b-rated seventies cult flicks: Grindhouse. You know a movie is going to be good when the name alone brings to mind images of a slaughterhouse and a strip club.
The first thing you have to understand is that this is not going to be your typical popcorn munching Saturday night at the movies. This is a true three and a half hours of back-to-back, non-stop festival of gore, titties, ass-kicking, car-chases, exploding head and the greatest single use for a helicopter ever. Watching Grindhouse is like having 220 minutes of hard-core hooker sex. You know you’re not going to spend this type of money all the time so you’re going to get everything you can out of the situation and Rodriguez and Tarantino deliver on the hard end of fuckery. Not to mention that each movie is preceded by fake trailers for movies made by other film makers.
I tried putting these trailers, via YouTube, right into the post but wordpress is being a cunt about embedding youtube videos so just click the names to watch the trailers…thanks for dick wordpress.
Such as “Machete“: a Mexploitation flick by Robert Rodriguez.
“Don’t” an ambiguous horror film by the wacky boys who brought you Sean of the Dead.
“Werewolf Women of the SS” a hodge podge horror film from Rob Zombie that gives you awkward feelings because the chicks are topless and you want to stare at their tits but at the same time they’re in werewolf form and covered in hair. So part of you is turned on while a separate part of you feels dirty for staring at hairy werewolf titties..it’s all very confusing.
And then there’s the Piece de Resistance in Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving” which, well by god, this is the absolutely best trailer. Pay close attention at the end and you’ll catch the best joke ever. It’s a quick physical gag that had me laughing for ten minutes – which is apparently just the right amount of time for the girl behind me to question, “What’s the fuck’s wrong with that guy?”
And that, dear readers, is merely the appetizer for the four course meal of neck snapping you about to indulge in. These trailers are but foreplay to the hardcore action your brain is about to take in. Basically folks: your eyeballs are about to get fucked in the greatest way possible.
First up is Robert Rodriguez’ “Planet Terror”; a gore filled zombie flick that grabs my love with the first scene as Rose McGowan Go-Go dances her way right into my heart. After that it’s non-stop zombies, death and destruction. There’s this scientist dude who creates a chemical that turns people into zombies and if you cross him this motherfucker takes your balls…literally. Then for some reason pop-singer Fergie shows up and promptly gets eater by zombies. Which serves her right. What purpose do you have being in a horror film if you’re not going to show your tits? No Boobies = you get eaten by the walking dead. Then this dude named El Ray shows up and decides that he’s had enough of this zombie shit. He rescues the now peg-legged Rose McGowan – which leads to the most hilarious sex scene ever. He rallies the posse; which includes an insane nurse and a female police officer who is not named but each time you see her – her clothes get smaller and more revealing – and saves the day. As the entire entourage is escaping the “Military Base” one dude jumps in the seat of a twin rotor Chinook helicopter and flips the switch to “Split Zombie Skulls” and mows down an entire battalion of rogue zombie soldiers. this is where Rose’ mighty machine gun leg – so lauded as one of the key over the top ideas to make it into the picture – comes in handy as she uses it to kick some serious ass, break dance style.
Though the machine gun leg wasn’t the first idea.
The jack hammer from Dusk Til Dawn.
Optimus Prime’s giant wiener from an article I wrote
Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman (actual size)
That right there could be enough. You could walk out of the theater satisfied that your money was well spent. But this shit aint over yet because up next is Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof” . Deathproof stars Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike. What’s he do you ask? He’s a stuntman tardo. If I had said his name was goat-fucker Bill you wouldn’t be sitting there asking me retarded questions. You’d hear the name and just assume that his man named Bill – who is commonly called “Goat Fucker Bill” – spends a good majority of his time fucking livestock. Pay attention. This movie is an exhibition of Quentin Tarantino’s ability to write captivating dialogue which is proven with the 20 minute false start that this film receives but once it actually hits the ground running…hang on to your tits.
So Stuntman Mike is one mean motherfuckin’ motor scooter and gets his rocks off by putting pretty girls in his Stuntman Mike approved super-car and introducing them, face first, to the dashboard. First this sick fuck seduces Rose McGowan into getting into his stunt-mobile and once she’s incapable of escaping explains to her that she’s about to get the joy ride from hell. Driving at 900 mph he slams on the brakes real quick and Rose – poor dear sweet rose who was not wearing a seatbelt – gets a double serving of dashboard for dinner. But Stuntman Mike doesn’t stop there. His appetite is insatiable and he’s out to wreck shop on the rest of Rose’s crew of friends. At the bar he just left; old Stuntman Mike was shunned by a group of bitchy girls and Stuntman Mike doesn’t take to kindly to girls pitching him shit. He doesn’t have the greatest people skills so he decides to end their cattyness in the only way he knows how: by hitting their car head on.
This is the greatest car crash ever filmed and you get to see it FIVE TIMES. The first time is the initial crash and each time following shows what happens to the four females in the car during the head on impact and – I kid you not – you get to see him run over a girls face in slow motion. I keep two list with me at all times. One is my “people who need to die list” and the other is a “methods of death list” and running over someone’s face has just jumped to the top!!!
And then the movie starts over. There’s a new set of girls, a new set of circumstances, but the same old Stuntman Mike. But there’s one part of the equation that’s changed: These girls are stunt car drivers. This variable leads to the greatest car chase ever filmed. The last twenty minutes of Death Proof is going to make you crap out copies of every Fast and the furious movie ever made. This is the greatest car chase ever; swiftly replacing the veteran of the genre ‘Smokey and the Bandit’.
The car chase in this film is fucking amazing. There’s no CGI, no models, no wirework; it’s 100% real and 150% KICK ASS!!! The three girls in the car are assaulted by Stuntman Mike and his Stunman Mike-esque driving shenanigans and decided that they’re going to fight back by showing him what real driving is all about. And by real driving I mean what happens when you piss off three girls who aren’t the wimpy, “Oh fuck beans, I broke a nail,” type of chicks. The run a clinic of crazy driving and revenge all over Stuntman Mike’s ass!!! And right when they’re at the peak of beating the hot buttered fuck out of Stuntman Mike – the movie ends. Just like in sex they’ve shot their load, it’s all over and it’s time to smoke a pack of cigarettes.
And also, just like sex, all I wanted to do afterward was not cuddle and wonder how I could do it again – but this time without paying so much money and also without so many other people in the room.