Paris Hilton’s Guide To Prison

Paris Hilton is going to jail and that my friends is a terrible shame. Yes I am going to come to Paris Hilton’s defense on this one and say that I don’t think it’s fair that she is actually going to spend 45 days behind bars in L.A. County. It’s not due to the fact that she’s a celebrity because I’ll be the first to say that having a boat load of cash doesn’t mean you’re above the law. My reasoning is also not based on the fact that she’s started the almightiest of legal defense strategies – a petition on her myspace page. Before we incarcerate young Miss Hilton let us take into account the biggest factor in the case: Paris Hilton is a fucking retard. And imprisoning balloon holders is just not socially acceptable.

Think about it for a second: She makes something like 19 or 20 homemade sex tapes of her with a bunch of different guys – one includes a scene where she does blow off of some dude’s cock – and then doesn’t lock the tapes up and they get released. She stores a bunch of incriminating material, including more sex tapes, in a u-store it locker and doesn’t pay the $200 bill so they all get sold at an auction and get released to the public. She’s regularly appeared in public, sans panties, allowing the viewing public to be formally introduced to her beef curtains and apparently she didn’t know.

She didn’t know she wasn’t wearing underwear. If she lacks the mental capacity to recognize the fact of whether or not her nether regions are guarded from the elements I’m not surprised that she had no clue that “suspended license” means “Paris no drivey.”

But if I have my way there’s no chance that a delicate little cock-holster like her will enter the penal system ( an odd choice of words seeing as the every available penal system has already entered her) without being forearmed. Paris baby I’m about to give you a crash course in jail etiquette because…

Now jail may be a completely different environment but I’ve done my research so I feel completely qualified to offer this kind of survival information. I watched nothing but girls in prison movies for the past three days and I find myself in the unique position of being a “Chick in Prison” expert.

While she was used to wearing designer duds on the outside the prison uniform will be a significant change. Though often drab in color women’s prison uniforms are almost always skimpy and somewhat revealing; often missing several buttons near the top of the blouse to more accentuate one form of Chick Prison currency: The Boobies.

According to documentary films; women’s prison uniforms get dirty quite often and are required to be cleaned at least once a day. For unknown reasons – most likely for disciplinary purposes – anytime the inmates must change clothing it is cold. According to my research being vulnerable and cold forces the inmates to huddle together for safety which leads to some very sexy companionship moments.

Paris – I’ve seen you dress in skimpy attire before so I don’t believe the uniform will be a problem however it is my suggestion that you get boob implants prior to your time in jail. Not only will it benefit your post-jail career but in the slammer your big titties will be a valuable commodity – not unlike cigarettes.

When guys go to “Big-Boy fuck me in the ass prison” we’re saddled with mammoth, pipe wielding, gang members who are trying to make up for the fact that mommy didn’t love them by forcing anal sex on their smaller cell mate. When girls go to prison it’s an entirely different story. Though the Alpha/Beta pack mentality is still there; the female ability to reconcile conflicts relies less on physical conditioning and more on who’s crotch you can dive into first.

According to revolutionary film maker Jimmy James Dicksin – who’s passion for anthropological film making has brought us such amazing women in prison films as: Fist Full of Vaginas, The Good The Bad and The Shaved, Scissor Locking Sorority Sisters, Billy Club Strapons part four and his piece des resistance Clam Smacking Nazi Bitches Bring The Thunder – “When the girls go into the slammer their scared and confused. At first they must turn to their cell mates for guidance…and that guidance is sexy. Lessons that most inmates teach their new cellies include things like how to pass the time by masturbating, the exquisite art of dining at the Y and respect because while time in Chick Prison might be awfully sexy it’s also about learning important life lessons.”

Paris, pumpkin, it looks like it’s time to start weaning yourself off of pole and start getting used to the idea of muff wrestling for top bunk. Though if your publicist takes some initiative, and gets a couple of cameras installed in key locations through the facility, you can continue making money on the inside while continuing to build your burgeoning amateur porn career.

Being in a confined environment with a lot of people can create chaos for your immune system. In a locale like jail germs around passed around like Halloween candy and it is important for people to bathe and maintain proper hygiene. Though bathing and grooming doesn’t have to be a solo activity as these acts can bring her and her new found friends closer together.

First of all: Showers are a communal activity and as such allows for each member in the group ensure that every other member of the group is squeaky clean. In accordance with “Shower Sirens 9” all female inmates should take plenty of time in the shower and make sure that they run their hands over their own bodies several times – slowly and rhythmically – before presenting themselves to a member of the congregation for inspection. When each female prisoner has spent enough time cleaning themselves they are allowed to gingerly approach another inmate and run their hands along their glistening smooth skin. This inspection process might take some time but I say that personal cleanliness is nothing to be rushed. In some cases it becomes necessary, in order to determine proper cleanliness levels, for the females to run their tongues over one another. This is normal and to be expected.

The second thing one must consider in personal hygiene is that body hair can be a problem. This has already been dealt with in most of the case studies that I’ve seen because the girls made sure the hair on the head was well washed and everything else was shorn off. By not providing a place for germs to hide the girls seemed to be in good spirits. However in a recent field publication: “Shaved” – it made mention of grooming and that if a girl is too embarrassed or lonely to groom themselves they should involve a partner to..*ahem* trim the hedges….if you know what I mean.

Ms. Hilton I’ve seen a couple of videos of you floating this here internet and I don’t think that you’ll have a problem bathing with a large group of women considering the veritable locker room you’ve spent genital time with. Also; if memory serves me correctly, you have a ”blank canvas” down there so you’re a step ahead of most.

The last thing we really need to cover is something that is very prevalent behind bars: Fighting. Women are, by nature, catty. They will fight and bitch and complain and eventually one chick will piss off another chick and it will be time to rumble. Girl fights don’t often erupt quietly as girls are prone to screaming and yelling and you will be instantly alerted as to when a really sexy altercation is about to begin.

Ostensibly all girl fights happen in or around the following places: A mud pit, a pool, a pool filled with jello, fresh cream or a dildo factory. I can not say what cosmic force sets these events in motion but I can tell you that I enjoy them immensely. I have yet to see a girl fight that has ended in a knockout but I have seen plenty that end in submission…submission to the primal force that boobies and vaginas hold over all mankind. Oh sure at the start of the fight they’ll be pulling hair and throw each other around the day room but five minutes into it and someone’s dumped an entire large bowl of cold cream on one chick, a dildo’s materialized out of thin air and what you have on your hands in far less “A Fight” a something more akin to “Hot Lesbian Sex”.

Once again it seems as though Paris’ love of the ole Wang-A-Roo will be holding her back in prison but I have a feeling that a couple of days into and she’ll get in the groove – as the case may be.

In closing, Ms. Hilton, I’d like to take a moment to review what steps can be taken for you to acclimate to prison life with ease:

Get Boob Implants Shave Your Vagina Learn To Love Girl Crotch Have everything recorded so that the whole world may share in the glory of yet another chick in prison movie.

If you follow those simple instructions you’ll do just fine.

Trust me. I am, after all, an expert – I’ve watched 72 straight hours of video evidence to support everything I’ve just claimed.

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There Are 17 Responses So Far. »

  1. Fuck you’re sick. If Paris was half as hot as the chicks in this post I wouldn’t be having such a hard time imagining these scenarios. But I find it traumatic to imagine the horse-faced toothpick princess in lingerie.

  2. It really nice that you care about her well being. We need more nurturing men like you around…

  3. 1. That was hot and I may need to polish one off
    2. I applaud your level of research and I believe that
    the internet needs more “hard hitting, investigative
    reporters” such as yourself
    3. Unfortunately you have failed to perceive Paris’ tapes
    “mistakenly” finding their way to the public eye for
    what they really are… pulicity. Good or bad, it’s
    all good.

  4. I hope she goes the Jeffrey Dahmer route in prison. A girl can dream….

  5. OWD – Yes I am a sick sick bastard.

    Erica – I’m a caring soul, what can I say.

    The Dude – in order
    1: I enjoyed finding the pictures
    2: I sense a pulitzer
    3: Yes they were publicity and I think the only way I’ll get famous to is to ‘lose’ a few tapes myself.

    Christina – damn, that’s fucking harsh. Funny. but harsh.

  6. Hmmmm, there were no guards in ALL of that porn?? Cuz I recall one…don’t remember the name, and damn, that was some serious MFM action. hehe

    Hope Paris takes your advice.

  7. I agree, the pictures are hot! I’ll have to remember these wise words for when I get arrested.

  8. Heidi (whoever that is)
    Getting Arrested?
    Interesting Concept

  9. You mean “Clam Smacking Nazi Bitches Bring The Thunder” was made into a movie? The book was awesome. I hope they didn’t screw it up.

  10. It’s Jimi James Dixxxon you illiterate(not sure how to spell illiterate)fuck…Get it right…Oh yeah-wheres my invitation or did she sober-up and run away with Kenny Garcia?

  11. Ladies and gents I wasn’t kidding. That’s my buddy JJ. He’s a real porn director who will be at my wedding.

    I love having weird friends.

  12. This is that little part of you that is your concious. Remember?? If only. 😛

  13. Hang in there and trust no one but your self..

    http://www.KissMyAssClub.com

  14. Hmm… do you think Paris can read?

    I’m not really quite that sure…

  15. Seriously!! What’s up with all of the hot photos. I dare say that I had trouble focusing on what you wrote because of all of the super hot pics. Wowsers!

  16. any opportunity to post pictures of hot chicks eh travis? but then as the cliche goes, a tyrant needs no reason to do anything; and travis, I love your tyranny.

  17. […] once wrote an article detailing my expectations on how Paris Hilton would spend her  time in prison.  This movie confirms all of my completely asinine conjectures. The three films represented in […]

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