If you listened really carefully on Friday, June 29th 2007; you could hear the collective sighs of the worlds largest ever recorded Nerd-gasm as the Apple I-Phone made its way into the hands of bleary eyed, drooling techno-cultists everywhere. My friend Mike even slept in front of the AT&T store in order to be the first asshole to be able to say, “Hey, wanna see my I-Phone?”
Quite frankly I’ve never understood the pressing geek-chic desire to be the first to do something. Whether that’s the first to posses the latest gaming system or the first to give up the opportunity to see actual girl boobs in order to dress up like a jedi or a wizard in order to be the first to see a film that will eventually be seen by – literally – billions. The pressing urge to be able to call ‘dibs’ is something that has completely eluded me…
There are features of the I-Phone that were never discussed in any of the press releases or keynote speeches. These features are only accessible after you have pledged your allegiance to The Great Apple and the voice of its one true prophet: Steve Jobs. I’m not willing to hand over my soul to Jobs but Mike sold his in entirety and I’ve parlayed his lack of eternal bliss to uncover The Amazing Secret Features of the Apple I-Phone.
Considering the fact that the I-Phone is more costly than every other cellular device on the market – and that it is the most sought after piece of consumer electronics currently circulating – the owners of the device are more than likely to be the potential victims of theft, muggings and general thuggery. Steve Jobs knew that this might be the case and built into the I-Phone a series of self defense features designed to keep thieves and cheeto-fingered geeks from getting their grubby little hands on your prized possession.
There are three levels to which the I-Phone can defend itself from attack. These levels are based on the threat level and the immediacy of being pawned off on Craigslist for twice the actual value.
Level One – Lasers. While this will drain the battery very quickly the I-Phone’s I-laser is the first line of defense. Upon sensing a threat the screen grows blindingly bright and emits a concentrated beam toward the offender. This beam, on its lowest setting, can singe the skin off of the perpetrators hand. At the highest level it will boil eyeballs inside the skull.
Level Two – Bowel Disruptor. Because nothing thwarts the wanton thievery of thugs like a pant load of dookie dogs.
Level Three – Summoning Sharks.
The ability for the I-Phone to defend itself, while fantastic, is not the peak of the hidden features. As a discerning electronics fetishist you – the owner of an I-Phone – have very important things to do – like taking pictures of yourself with your I-Phone and uploading them to myspace. With that in mind it should almost be second nature for you to conceive that your I-Phone will take care of some menial tasks in order to free up more of your time.
The I-Phone will discipline your children.
While this may give you cause to stop and think about the ramifications of technology on our negligent society; those feelings will soon pass as you learn that you are no longer burdened with having to make decisions in the process of teaching your children right from wrong. Now before you start asking questions about the why let’s take a look at how this amazing feat is accomplished.
First you must purchase a blue-tooth enabled sub dermal chip from any of the Apple stores or a participating AT&T store. Once this chip is implanted under the skin of your unsuspecting offspring you are only a few preference settings away from being able to keep your child on a short leash with merely the click of a button. After that you merely take a picture of your child with the onboard digital camera and assign the Bluetooth frequency and you can pull up the child discipline option from your main menu.
While those first two hidden features might prove more than worthy to draw $500 out of your wallet; this last one is going to make you wonder how you ever got along without the I-Phone. What am I talking about? I’m talking about Apple finally going the whole nine yards with it’s I-life product branding – The Apple I-phone is truly set to be the end all be all of portable electronics. It can replace every remote control, every personal digital assistant, every garage door opener – this thing is going to make your life one big river of nacho cheese that you float down on a raft made up of strippers towards an island made out of candy inhabited by puppies. Fuck you everyone has dreams.
The I-Phone has an artificial intelligence that allows it to actively learn. Thanks to its mystical interfacing abilities it can do everything from change the channel to start your car. How does it do this you ask? The I-Phone can transform into one of my favorite things: A robot. This little I-Phone robot then interfaces with each piece of electronics and learns all of its functions, including your Tivo.
Yes I understand that you can watch YouTube on the I-Phone but I really couldn’t give two shits less about the skateboarding bulldog. But with it’s learning capability the I-Phone can sync your recorded videos so you can catch up on your soap operas on your lunch break.
And realistically what cult would exist without a final solution? There’s no Jonestown without kool-aid. No Waco without botched FBI Raids. No heavensgate without a comet and that weirdo pedophile. And likewise Apple has tapped the mental power of Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay and James Cameron to bring to you the Apple-pocalypse.
All of the I-Phones are interconnected allowing for parallel processing of information. Along with the ability to process S.E.T.I information without sucking down bandwidth, the Apple I-Phone has the artificial intelligence level to determine when the end times have come. Using information gleaned from outside sources and ambient environmental signals the I-Phone can determine when the Human Race has gone too far and, in accordance with advanced programming and processing, will transfer all command and control functions to Cyberdyne Systems and Skynet completely relieving humanity of all responsibility.
As you can see the Apple I-Phone is the greatest device that the world has ever seen. As a matter of fact I think I am going to pay a homeless man to sleep in front of the AT&T store until the next shipment comes. Oh don’t you look at me all cock-eyed – he was going to be sleeping on the street anyway, at least this way he’s doing something productive.