If some of my fondest childhood memories hooked up with John Woo after a drunken sorority party and that liquor soaked roust produced a baby – which in actuality is a film – that was then adopted by the gay pairing of Stephen Spielberg and Michael Bay that would probably explain how the newest Transformers Movie came into being. Movies of this caliber are not made in Hollywood back lots; they are birthed, cosmically, by a benevolent god who understands that an entire movie about robots that kick ass is probably the closest most of us mere mortals will ever come to feeling a touch of the divine.
A friend of mine said that the best way to make a movie is to just make awesome shit happen all of the time. Apparently when he said this Michael Bay was listening because that’s exactly what he did. Every second of Transformers is either filled with hot chicks, robots, explosions, nachos or spec-ops kicking alien ass. Somehow this movie even makes that dorky kid from Holes look somewhat cool. Mostly he looks cool because he spends the entire movie hanging out with ass-kicking robots, hot chicks or U.S. Special Forces. If you took everything that has ever kicked ass, wrapped it up in a burrito made out of money, deep fried that in a vat of whiskey and then served it on the breasts of a nubile young playboy model you would only come halfway towards touching the level of ass kicking that Transformers reaches. First off it’s an entire movie about robots which is probably the greatest concept for a film ever (barring the film I-Robot which pretty much raped the long dead corpse of its creator). More than that it’s a movie about a robot war which lands itself here on earth, allowing the robots to take the forms of ass-stomping vehicles like the F-22 Raptor, The M1- Abrams, and the not even available 2008 Chevy Saleen Camaro.
So the basic premise of this movie is that there are two sets of robots that are both looking for this super-powerful do-hickey that sparks life on planets. It was lost long ago after their robotic home world “Cbyertron” was destroyed. Conveniently it landed here on earth. Skipping all of the non-robot parts; this dorky kid hooks up with a newly re-imaged bumble-bee who shows that he’s no longer a little hippie Volkswagen Beetle but rather the Autobots version of the U.S. Army pathfinder; a well trained, well armed weapon of scouting and destruction. Bumble bee befriends the dorky kid, helps him score the hot chick and then saves their asses all while finding out where the all-spark is.
So Bumble Bee lets the rest of the Autobots know that megan fox has an amazing rack the all spark is here on earth. The Decepticons are already here on earth and in the process of trying to locate this mega-juice of the universe. Without giving out the ending of the film eventually this mutual hunt for the creation lego brings the two warring factions of Transformers together with hot chicks and spec-ops leading to an all out slobber-knocker in downtown L.A. In the left corner, weighing in at just under half the gross tonnage of Rosie O’donnell’ ass, with glowing blue eyes are the Autobots: Bumble Bee, Jazz, Iron Hide and Ratchet lead by their magnanimous leader Optimus Prime. In the right corner, smelling like fish and overflowing with stereotypical bad guy machismo are the Decepticons: Starscream, Barricade Frenzy, Blackout and Devastator captained by their egotistical sociopathic – uh – captain Megatron. Scorponok and Bonecrusher would have been here but on their way to the arena tonight they got their shit ruined.
The battle starts heavily in favor of the Decepticons who out number the Autobots but numbers prove highly inferior to teamwork. Robots are fighting, doing kung-fu, shooting guns two fisted style and even throwing ninja stars. They’re ruining city blocks and flicking humans like boogers. It is the greatest robot battle since Robot-Jox and let’s just say that The Autobots end up handing out FUCK-YOU’S like Halloween candy. Transformers is officially the pinnacle of summer blockbuster film making and it will be eons before anyone ever comes close to touching the bar that Michael Bay has set. That is until – in my humble prediction – John Woo and Jerry Bruckheimer team up to do a live action G.I. Joe movie.