Transformers – A Review by a humble man

If some of my fondest childhood memories hooked up with John Woo after a drunken sorority party and that liquor soaked roust produced a baby – which in actuality is a film – that was then adopted by the gay pairing of Stephen Spielberg and Michael Bay that would probably explain how the newest Transformers Movie came into being. Movies of this caliber are not made in Hollywood back lots; they are birthed, cosmically, by a benevolent god who understands that an entire movie about robots that kick ass is probably the closest most of us mere mortals will ever come to feeling a touch of the divine.

A friend of mine said that the best way to make a movie is to just make awesome shit happen all of the time. Apparently when he said this Michael Bay was listening because that’s exactly what he did. Every second of Transformers is either filled with hot chicks, robots, explosions, nachos or spec-ops kicking alien ass. Somehow this movie even makes that dorky kid from Holes look somewhat cool. Mostly he looks cool because he spends the entire movie hanging out with ass-kicking robots, hot chicks or U.S. Special Forces. If you took everything that has ever kicked ass, wrapped it up in a burrito made out of money, deep fried that in a vat of whiskey and then served it on the breasts of a nubile young playboy model you would only come halfway towards touching the level of ass kicking that Transformers reaches. First off it’s an entire movie about robots which is probably the greatest concept for a film ever (barring the film I-Robot which pretty much raped the long dead corpse of its creator). More than that it’s a movie about a robot war which lands itself here on earth, allowing the robots to take the forms of ass-stomping vehicles like the F-22 Raptor, The M1- Abrams, and the not even available 2008 Chevy Saleen Camaro.

So the basic premise of this movie is that there are two sets of robots that are both looking for this super-powerful do-hickey that sparks life on planets. It was lost long ago after their robotic home world “Cbyertron” was destroyed. Conveniently it landed here on earth. Skipping all of the non-robot parts; this dorky kid hooks up with a newly re-imaged bumble-bee who shows that he’s no longer a little hippie Volkswagen Beetle but rather the Autobots version of the U.S. Army pathfinder; a well trained, well armed weapon of scouting and destruction. Bumble bee befriends the dorky kid, helps him score the hot chick and then saves their asses all while finding out where the all-spark is.

So Bumble Bee lets the rest of the Autobots know that megan fox has an amazing rack the all spark is here on earth. The Decepticons are already here on earth and in the process of trying to locate this mega-juice of the universe. Without giving out the ending of the film eventually this mutual hunt for the creation lego brings the two warring factions of Transformers together with hot chicks and spec-ops leading to an all out slobber-knocker in downtown L.A. In the left corner, weighing in at just under half the gross tonnage of Rosie O’donnell’ ass, with glowing blue eyes are the Autobots: Bumble Bee, Jazz, Iron Hide and Ratchet lead by their magnanimous leader Optimus Prime. In the right corner, smelling like fish and overflowing with stereotypical bad guy machismo are the Decepticons: Starscream, Barricade Frenzy, Blackout and Devastator captained by their egotistical sociopathic – uh – captain Megatron. Scorponok and Bonecrusher would have been here but on their way to the arena tonight they got their shit ruined.

The battle starts heavily in favor of the Decepticons who out number the Autobots but numbers prove highly inferior to teamwork. Robots are fighting, doing kung-fu, shooting guns two fisted style and even throwing ninja stars. They’re ruining city blocks and flicking humans like boogers. It is the greatest robot battle since Robot-Jox and let’s just say that The Autobots end up handing out FUCK-YOU’S like Halloween candy. Transformers is officially the pinnacle of summer blockbuster film making and it will be eons before anyone ever comes close to touching the bar that Michael Bay has set. That is until – in my humble prediction – John Woo and Jerry Bruckheimer team up to do a live action G.I. Joe movie.

Share

There Are 24 Responses So Far. »

  1. yes travis this movie did kick ass. the next big movie needs to an aliens vs predator type movie. yes you know exactly what i am talking about ……
    “AUTOBOTS” VS. “THE 300”.

  2. […] Sicko Link to Article transformers Transformers – A Review by a humble man » Posted at HowToKillPeople.com on Saturday, July 07, 2007 If some of my fondest childhood memories hooked up with John Woo after a drunken sorority party and that liquor soaked roust produced a baby – which … Bay that would probably explain how the newest Transformers Movie came into being. Movies … this Michael Bay was listening because that’s exactly what he did. Every second of Transformers is either View Entire Article » […]

  3. Dude, do you need a minute alone with this movie?

  4. Transformers vs. The 300? And here I thought you were sane. No, no…

    “In the next summer blockbuster…

    You thought Optimus Prime was bad ass in Transformers. You knew Darth Vader was bad ass in all… well, 3 of the 6 Star Wars, after he was through being a whiney bitch in episodes 1-3.

    You never thought it could happen, but the Sith have a new apprentice. And he kicks more ass then anything you have ever seen before.

    Darth Prime is coming… And he’s more angry then a hooker without crack.”

    Coming to theatres in summer of 2010.

  5. DARTH PRIME????? dude being a stars wars geek stopped being funny about 15 years ago. hell stars wars geeks ar notorious for never even getting laid. ( you got a kid and were still not convinced ). im not claiming that loving TRANSFORMERS is going to get me chicks, but at least im paying attention to current events. Stars Wars??? Classic movies, yes. But after the last three star farce films that came out, do you really think that star wars has any chance ofreleasing a summer block buster any time soon? “TRANSFORMERS” VS. “THE 300” will rule all.

  6. I can’t believe I just read a review of the Transformers movie and enjoyed it.

    I am going to go turn in my girl card now.

  7. I loved this movie and it hurts me a little when people trash it without seeing it. So I like robots who beat other robots while simultaneously killing hundreds of humans in the fray of battle. I thought it was pretty funny how nickelodeon kid will be associated with this movie for the rest of his life.
    Great review.

  8. Dude, straight up. That was the finest movie review I’ve ever had the pleasure to read.

    Peace.

  9. I’m still waiting for the Monchichi movie.

    Monchichi Monchichi, so soft and cuddly.

  10. I waited 22 years for this movie and when I saw it I finally blew a colon gasket. There was shit all over the theatre and no one cared because TRANSFORMERS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE.
    It even has healing properties. I was going to kill myself but then I had to see the movie again. I also used to have AIDS but it’s inexplicably gone now. Everything about TRANSFORMERS kicked ass. Everyone left the theatre with ruined asses because the movie bruised both their cheeks.
    I give the movie TWO BRUISED CHEEKS and also a MILLION PLUS INFINITY STARS.
    For totally. Now go listen to my band that had a song in the credits:
    http://www.myspace.com/sadeyeangel

  11. The only, and I mean ONLY thing that could have made this movie kick more ass than Ike Turner was if Chuck Norris was driving Optimus Prime. However… 2 minor “issues”.

    1) Starscream was nowhere near as whiney and backstabbing as he should have been. Although his penchant for self preservation was well represented.

    2) Megan Fox’s perky young boobies didn’t make a full frontal appearance.

    That’s all I got. I’m off to get the Roush body kit and a new Barricade paint job for my Mustang.

  12. Travis, after reading this review I have to say I agree with that git from the Contra Costa Times… you are violent and unstable person. I’m going to change my phone number and sell my house now. You know, because one can never be too careful around socipaths such as yourself. 😉

  13. Welcome back. Oooo, she’s kinda hot.

  14. yes! transformers vs. 300!!!!!! im gonna start a petition! we must make that movie!

  15. transformers was wholely disappointing. nuff said.

  16. The movie sucked. I was expecting some serious evil shit, not some stupid armed forces recruiting commercial. I can hardly wait to see your take on the upcoming GI Joe movie…

  17. So true on the review. I’m glad this movie didn’t rape my childhood like so many other(i.e. Dare Devil)

  18. I DONT KW WAT U GUYS R TALKING ABOUT I SAW THAT MOVE AND IT

    SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WHAT A WAST OF MY MONEY THE START AND MIDDLE WAS OK I GUESS BUT OMG WAT A CRAPPIE ENDING BOY KILLS ROBOT ROBOTS GET POWER AND BECOME CREEPIE WIERDOS WHO GO ROUND WHATCHING PEOPLE DO IT PROTECTER OF MANKIND MY ASS
    PLUS IN THE IN THE WHOLE MOVE THE MOST VOLENT THING THAT HAPPENED WAS CAR RUINS GIRLS MAKE UP/ BREAKS A NAIL AND SLEEPING ROBOT LOSSES POWER SO I HAVE 2 ASK WERE U PP HIGH WHEN WATCHING THIS OR DID I FALL ASLEEP AND MISS SOMETHING

  19. Pissed Monkey:

    Based on your crackhead like inability to compose a coherent sentence, your internet asshole need to write in all caps and the fact that you spell with the proficiency of a retard who has been kicked in the head by a mule I’d say that not only do you not know what you’re talking about but I’d bet dollars to donuts that you’re currently sitting in a puddle of your own urine with a smile on your face.

  20. I thought the movie was awesome, but i know a bunch of people who didn’t like it. I think they focused too much on plot or something. If you just go watch it expected to see awesome fucking robots fighting, then you’ll be happy.

  21. love the robot jox comparison! crash and burn! ACHIIIIILLLEEEESSSSS!!!!! but seriousley the onlything nmissing the movie was megan fox’s hot rack erm…skyfire just whip-kicking the shittledicks outta starscream.

  22. Dude, I grew up on the Transformers and have to say, this movie did not disappoint me! I had high hopes and was not let down at all! Who doesn’t love giant alien robots that beat the crap outta each other? I mean really? C’mon. Well… except for some retarded, in-bred, pissed off chimp. The movie ruled and this review was damn funny. And I hadn’t heard the name Robot Jox in almost 15 years, thanks a grip man. I had almost forgotten about that movie!

  23. megan fox has an amazing rack

  24. I loved the movie. Megan Fox has an OK rack, and Shila could have been better. I do however think the next one will be even better! Can’t wait. You all are pretty funny, thanks for giving me a laugh :)

Post a Response