Beating The Blues

Sometimes, when you’re feeling down and it seems like the world is out to get you, you need to learn to take refuge in the simpler and finer things in life. If you feel alone and like no one understands you the best thing to do is to find yourself some companionship. I’ve always found that the best companion is the one who finds you irresistible and hangs on your every word. A companion who is always excited to see you no matter what time and one who thinks the world revolves around you. One who is bright eyed every time you walk through the door and who will do anything to get your attention. That’s right; if you’re feeling down the best thing for you to do is get a stripper.

Every stripper, no matter what breed, brings joy to the people around her. They can change the environment in which you live and change your way of seeing the world. But strippers aren’t for everyone and there are things that everyone should consider before procuring a stripper. Because I know how important the ordering of a stripper can be – having done so on multiple occasions – I have provided a helpful guide to assist you in your decision making process.


Oh god this is so very important that you should spend more time on this question that anything else. There are so many varieties of strippers that you could be spend countless weeks deciding which stripper best suits you. A basic guide breaks down the endless breeds into four main categories.

– Counter Culture Stripper: She’s covered in tattoos and piercings and is more than willing to show you – for an additional moderate fee – that she is into a little bit of deviance when it comes to the lap dance.

– PK (The Preachers Kid): She was brought up in a household where sexuality was shunned and it took discipline and piety to survive the daily routine. But now that she’s out of daddy’s house and off of daddy’s dole it’s time to let her inner freak out. And she will – like a zealot.

– The older, wiser, veteran: Not as prized as her younger counterparts the veteran is often more accustomed to taking orders and is far better trained requiring less time to properly adjust to new surroundings.

– The young sultry blonde: They’re perky, young, bright eyed and more than willing to please. And while these are the most desirable breed they can be quite aloof; requiring more positive reinforcement.

If you’re like me then you’ve had at least one night of drinking with your friends where you were showing them cool little items you’d found on the internet. You don’t remember most of the evening but in a couple of days time a “Cigarette Ass Donkey” shows up in your mailbox. You laugh, your friends laugh and everyone feels stupid for ordering such drivel.

But this isn’t a ten dollar novelty item that you’ve purchased off the web – this is a life. A life that must be nurtured and treated with ample tips of money and compliments. If you are unprepared to take care of your stripper in a proper, loving manner then they can become despondent and and sometimes aggressive. And sadly, sometimes when that happens, they have to be put down.

Strippers aren’t cheap. Let’s face facts here: The Purebred – sometimes referred to as the feature dancer – is extremely rare and rather pricey but even the garden variety, run of the mill stripper is going to cost a pretty penny. But it’s not just the cost of the stripper. You’ve got to consider extra expenses like cover charges, bottomless drink fees, lap dances, private dances, shots, immunizations, boarding fees and food pellets. There’s a small fortune required to properly take care of a stripper. Make sure you don’t skimp on the little details.

Sadly; no matter how much you want one; strippers aren’t for everyone. Look at the following list:
– Are you bored and lonely and looking for some entertainment?
– Do you need to feel important, charismatic, and funny all the time?
– Are you tired of not having tits in your face?
– Do you need your self esteem boosted?
– Is it your bachelor party?
– Is it a Tuesday?
– Do you need to learn what happens when you neglect your daughters needs for attention?
– Want to see the result of raising your children in a puritanical household?
– Are you interested in learning about new genital piercings?
– Are you a big fan of eighties hair metal?

If any or all of these things apply to you then a stripper might be right for you. If you’re looking for someone to pay in exchange for sexual favors then a stripper isn’t for you. What you need is a brothel and there’s a whole different set of requirements that goes along with that set.

Lap dances are a skill possessed only by professional strippers and have a power over men that can only be compared to Jedi Mind Tricks. They have the ability to make men believe almost anything. Because of this fact there are very strict laws that govern the lap dance but sadly these vary from state to state. That means it is imperative to research the rules of your state before you get your stripper. If you have certain expectations from your stripper you need to look into you local laws. Just to illustrate this point here’s a few of the extremes you’ll encounter, in certain areas, in trying to get your stripper.

– In Texas your stripper must have on her (or his…I guess…gross) possession at least three hand guns, a large belt buckle and an inappropriate love of The Alamo. Failure to comply will result in immediate deportation to Mexico.

– In Montana your stripper must be licensed by the Montana board of entertainment and nudity – a state sanctioned agency that regulates the appropriate ratio of naked human to erotic animal viewing.

– In Utah you’re not allowed, even if married, to look at a naked woman…so don’t even fucking think about it. Other things that are outlawed in Utah: Booze, gambling, Spongebob Squarepants, music, guns, beef jerky, Harry Potter, caffeine and red vines. Yeah, fuck that place.

So be certain to check your local laws before you get your stripper because you don’t want to make things worse for the stripper or yourself.

It may seem like a minor point but the amount of time a stripper has spent with their parents – before coming to you – is a very poignant detail. The age of the stripper is important because the amount of time she spent with her litter will determine her disposition later in life and that will determine her ability to follow basic instructions or requests. Also, in certain areas of the country, the age of your stripper can be grounds for some very serious legal implications.

Don’t allow yourself to be swindled in acquiring your stripper. If there are claims of pedigree; such as adult features or internet fan sites, make sure these claims can be substantiated. Always check the IMDB registry to fact check before you purchase. Other than pedigree most strippers can be judged on a metric of the following attributes: appearance, attire (or coat), rhythm, pole work, and music selection. Almost everything can be learned from those attributes. Though there is one trait that can’t be determined from physical appearance and that’s the percentage of soul erosion. But if you factor all of these things in it should give you a basic metric for your price. Of course never go beyond your means.

If you follow these rules and take all of this information into consideration before purchasing then you should be able to start a happy and healthy relationship with your new companion.


There Are 17 Responses So Far. »

  1. “In Utah you’re not allowed, even if married, to look at a naked woman…so don’t even fucking think about it. Other things that are outlawed in Utah: Booze, gambling, Spongebob Squarepants, music, guns, beef jerky, Harry Potter, caffeine and red vines. Yeah, fuck that place.”
    You crack me up! fuck that place!

  2. its good to have you back Travis

  3. Yeah…. about Montana. It is a fact in Libby Montana (where I grew up) you can not purchase or distrube pornographic matrial at all. I believe there is one of those laws in place where it is even illgal to own any such matrial. I’m not sure. If it is a law there then its not inforced. I know for a fact though that you can’t go to a gas station or any store and get a good ol nudy mag. Yeah that county sucks….

  4. Alicia – I do hate Utah so very very much

    Dick dick – I miss you.

    Scott – I’ve never been to Montana personally but I’ve heard nothing but horrible things….like how they dress midgets like cattle rustlers and chase them around the farm. it’s fucking horrible

  5. I laughed out loud at the county fair animal photo. I hope she overcomes her shyness so that she will eat out of your hand like a good little stripper should.

  6. Oh thank God you’re humor is back for the world to see. But I disagree on one point, you should never feed the strippers. They’re kind of like stray animals. Feed em once and they keep coing back. It may be fun at first, but then they start scratching at your door at 4 in the morning and it’s all downhill from there.

  7. I was starting to think you were being targeted because of your gayness and then you come up with this beautiful piece of scripture.A very heartfelt article that may have caused a tear or two to develop.Call me or I will show up on your door step soon.

  8. Actually, in Houston, the strip club heaven, the new laws suck.

    1. Three feet rule. Yep, gotta stand back and have no contact.

    2. Gotta wear your stripper license when performing

    3. Do we really need 3?

    I just wanna be loved by a stripper.

  9. Welcome back! I dedicated my recent debauched vacation to you!

  10. Never buy your stripper from a “stripper mill”. These strippers may be inbred, have diseases, or poor social skills. If the club you are at has more than one location (Spearmint Rhino, Taboo, Deja Vu) it may be a stripper mill. It may cost a little more but a stripper from Scores, Crazy Horse Too, or Brandi’s is worth the investment.

  11. Dude. You take the piss royally out of Geeks and then you said “skill possessed only by professional strippers and have a power over men that can only be compared to Jedi Mind Tricks” Dude you really need to check yourself sometimes because you shoot yourself in the foot alot.

  12. test

  13. Strippers are God’s creatures and I for one am forever grateful for the joy they bring. Especially the ones who fall for a bottle of percs.

  14. great web site!!!!!! sorry to hear you lost that job.go out and find a better one. toss one back for me

  15. F. T. W.

  16. Strippers are great. They are TRUE intertainment. I take my ol lady to stripper joints and she gets hot and “she” gives me lap dances right there in the bar. Then when we get home…. she fucks my lights out.

  17. lol, soul erosion

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