Travis Answers the Internet’s Questions

As evidenced by the amount of advice sites that clog the web; the world is scared and confused and has turned to the internet to seek answers that were once sucked from the teat of the divine. I’ve decided to take some time out of my life to dedicate a bit of the web to truly answering some heart-felt inquiries. For our inaugural event we shall help the troubled souls over at ivillage.com

Ivillage.com is, as far as I can tell, where the internet goes to menstruate. Women gather there in droves to talk about womany things and to try to decipher men. They have this special little section of their forum where they get together to ask questions about men that are then answered by other women or men that are so effeminate that they might as well have ovaries. Getting a bunch of women together to answer questions about men is like asking professional wrestlers for their opinions of quantum physics and the literary implications of Schrödinger’s Cat – they haven’t got a fucking clue. So as a service to them I’ve gathered a couple of Super Suave men of steel to answer their questions.

Question 1

As much as it pains me to say it; yes men do cry – but only in the following seven scenarios:

1 – When you’ve caught your balls in your zipper.

2 – When you’ve sat on your balls.

3 – When you’ve been hit / kicked or any other physical assault has been perpetrated on your balls.

4 – When your dog dies.

5 – Anytime Angelina Jolie’s bare boobs are present (on film or in person)

6 – After a rather hefty dump.

7 – When, in the original Transformers Animated Movie, Optimus Prime dies.

Question 2

So let me get this straight: your boyfriend wants to go to a nude beach…a nude beach which is predominantly occupied by men…gay men; and you’re wondering if he’s gay? Let Ole Burt give you some help by giving you some other warning signs that should have your womanly radar bouncing all over the place.

1 – His socks match his shirts.

2 – He has an impressive knowledge of shoes.

3 – He spends longer getting ready for a night out than you do.

4 – His boyfriend Lance is always willing to stop by for dinner and a Will & Grace marathon.

5 – His boyfriend Lance is always willing to stop by for gay sex.

6 – He blows men for rent money.

Question 3

Aside from being self confident and not being an attention hogging whore?

Two words baby: Road Head.

Question 4

When women made the pendulum swing so far to the right that men were jostling over one and other to show how sensitive and chick like they could be they took away a key part of chivalry: a man’s desire to prove he is a man in order to impress women. When women demanded that – in order to impress them, show them how enlightened we were and to get in their pants – they didn’t need us to open doors or pick up the check or give them our coats or basically act like chivalrous men…we stopped doing it. So basically; in an ironic turn events – radical feminism killed chivalry. Breathe deep of all of the irony. Breathe it in GOOOOOOOD.

bitch.

Question 5

Yes; straight men can be attracted other men. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being able to identify an attractive member of the same sex. Take, for instance, Brad Pitt. It is widely accepted that Brad Pitt is an extremely attractive male and any man should be able to take a look at him and state that he’s a chiseled piece of man meat with washboard abs that you could grate cheese on.If they’re gay.

Question 6


Yes. And in a shocking turn of events men also like fast cars, guns, loose women, booze, meat cooked over an open fire, inappropriate jokes, farting and trapping a womans head under the covers, fighting, strippers, beef jerky, loud music, gambling, peeing in public, double bacon cheeseburgers, godzilla, dick and fart jokes, crossbows, ninja swords, pancakes, robots and pro-wrestling. You dumb ass!!!

Question 7

First of all: Aint nothin’ you can buy in a store that’ll make Shaft feel intimidated or like less of a man and secondly you need understand a fact about the pschye of the modern man. Everyday men are bombarded by advertisements, spam, and the idea that our wangs aren’t big enough or that we’re bad with it. Let’s top off that fact with the plain and simple truth that if you walk into any smut shop you’ll find an entire wall of dildos that make even Andre the Giant look small and insignificant. So imagine your boyfriend’s disappointment when – after hearing you repeatedly say, “It’s okay; it’s a good size,” – he comes home and finds you trudgeoning yourself with a Louisville Slugger size fake penis. And you wonder why it bothers him? I thought you broads were supposed to be all intuitive and shit.

Question 8

I like the fact that you include the phrase “With Him” in your question. To me this implies that you have absolutely no problem letting your inner freak out as you’ve probably been ridden more times than The Zipper at Coney Island. I think your real question is “How do I let my inner freak out without letting my soon to be husband know that I have a craving for sexual deviance and whorish tendencies?” Well young lady that’s not an easy answer because the first time you look him deep in the eyes and tell him you want to try a ‘glass bottom boat’ he’s gonna go all cross eyed. You want my honest opinion: surprise him and stick it in your own ass.

Question 9

The reason why men love threesomes can be explained by a very simple math equation:

If M=Men
and N = Naked Chicks
and X = Happy Man

then M+N=X

If you take into account that men are hunters and gatherers – by genetic disposition – then we understand that men are predisposed to desire having more than one of anything they can get their hands on. We’ll call this modifier (g). (g) directly affects M which causes multiple instances of any variable in direct correlation to M. So with that in mind we get –

M(g) = Y*

Where Y stands for any variable and the asterisk stands for the infinity symbol because I can’t fucking find that on my keyboard.

When M(g) interacts with variable N you get

M(g)=N*

And when the hunter gatherer gene is sated then variable X is magnified.

M(g) + N* = X*

Basically all of that is a fancy way of saying men like having sex with naked chicks and the more naked chicks involved; the better.

Question 10

It means that he’s done having sex with you but wants you to think that he’s sensitive to your emotional needs just in case, further down the road, he wants to booty call you.

Truth hurts don’t it?


And there you have it; some real advice for women dished out from some real men. Hopefully you chicks will take this information to heart. And next time you have questions regarding the men in your life here’s a hint: Don’t ask chicks questions about men; all you’re going to do is confuse yourself.

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There Are 12 Responses So Far. »

  1. This is is it! You have you’re true calling! Therefor I have a question? How do I end up dating every douche bag within a 50 mile radius? Thanks!

  2. I think I should start my own advice column. If you leave a comment here I think I might answer your questions in another article

  3. Jesus, dude! I have to wait for another article? Fuck, I’m so pathetic at this point I’m asking you for advice!

  4. Your own advice column, wow that is a scary thought, however I do find your sample column not only entertaining but insightful.

  5. I’m in love with Burt. He’s so honest and understanding but in a real manly way. Someday I’ll find my own Burt…

  6. Ooooo, I want a Burt! Can I have a Burt too? (Not Bert, he lives with Ernie I think.)

    Good stuff you got there. And painfully accurate.

  7. You blew Dear Abby right out of the water. I’ve never laughed this hard reading her stuff.

  8. Nice… I think you should roll w/ this concept. One small suggestion… the official spelling of “broad” is actually “brawde”… it’s in the Blue Jackets Manual.

  9. You’re going to start your own advice column? Kick ass! Ok, here’s my question:

    How do I know when my husband really has been working late and when he’s been out whoring in The Castro? I need this question answered. I can’t take another home-redecoration attempt.

  10. Alright. I’ve been informed by an anonymous commenter on SFGate that my playing along with this sham of an advice column makes me a brainless sheep-like minion of Satan that votes Republican.

    I’m off to surrender my ability to discern sarcasm now.

  11. Dude, if you were here right now I’d be buying you Tequila until you told me to stop. This is one of your best posts EVER.

  12. All I can say Travis is <3.

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