My Role Model

People need role models. In times of crisis, or during adversarial moments you need someone to look up to. If something horrendously fucked up ever happened to you, you would need a guiding light to look up to. Fortunately for me I have found a role model in John McClane. That’s right I’ve adopted the fictional New York detective from the Die Hard series as my personal touchstone because:

#1 There’s no problem that can’t be solved with sufficient firepower:
Problem = Monsters, pokemon, robots, ninjas, girl scouts, Mormons, traffic jams, overdone eggs, low blood sugars, power outages, cripples, power rangers, pandas, plague, famine, pestilence, clowns, diarrhea, premature ejaculation, third nipples, bad credit, high interest rates, Vikings…the list goes on.

Solution

For those of you out there that can’t take a joke this is called being tongue in cheek.
For the rest of this article anytime I say something that could be
misconstrued by those without a sense of humor I will add a
disclaimer over here on the right hand side. That being said:
It is wrong to see the list above as a list of possible threats.
Pokemon, Power Rangers and Pandas make children
happy and shouldn’t be shot with handguns. The rest of the list
can be seen as possible life altering inconveniences and also
shouldn’t be brought down with the ever popular hand gun.
As far as Robots are concerned…it’s gonna take a whole lot more
than a sissy little handgun to stop a robot – dipshit.

#2 Diversity can save your life.
Before I saw the light of the teachings of John McClane, I used to adhere to the motto of Stone Cold Steve Austin: Don’t Trust Anyone. But John McClane showed me the error of my ways. For The Great McClane – though he may put boot to ass all on his own – has taught me that no one truly goes it alone. We learn this lesson through the five apostles of McClane.

• In the first testament of McClane, we learn that Carl Winslow – a Chicago cop who is magically transported to Los Angeles – can be a great asset in bridging the gap between a lone hero and the authority figures. Not to mention the fact that in a last second life or death plot twist ending, he takes up arms to save McClane’s life.

• Again, the first testament shows us that fighting alone will not always save the day. It also shows us that black-on-black violence is acceptable as long as the greater good wins out. This is proven when Argyle the Chauffeur runs his limo in to Theo the Hacker’s get-away van, thus preventing the bad guys from fleeing.

• In the Second testament of McClane – Die Harder – we learn that Carl again plays an integral role. Shedding his retarded family and annoying neighbor in Chicago once more, Carl arrives in Los Angeles just in time to identify a terrorist trying to bring McClane down. But the Apostle Winslow was not alone. McClane was also aided by the righteous “Creepy Janitor” who assists McClane in killing terrorists by providing critical information on the infrastructure of the DC Airport. I imagine this guy is a cross between Slingblade and a Palm Pilot.

• In the Third Testament of McClane – With a Vengeance – we encounter a Job-like Samuel L. Jackson who sacrifices financial gain and personal well being to assist McClane in bringing down another member of the Infamous Gruber Clan – well hello there irony; how are you doing?

• In the Final Testament of McClane – Live Free or Die Hard – that funny kid from the Mac commercials plays super geek Yin to McClane’s old school Yang. The Mac kid hacks computers while McClane goes mid-fucking-evil on a technological wunderkind’s hired assassins. The only unanswered question in this testament is how the geeky kid got the time off from that restaurant where he waits table with a chiseled Ryan Reynolds? Seriously, how is he taking all that time off without pissing off his boss? I can understand overlooking the penis showing game but no calling and no showing in order to gallivant around the country with some cop? You’re fucking fired geeky kid.

black on black violence is wrong
actors aren’t good replacements for biblical figures
not all airport janitors are creepy
blowing up planes is wrong
Carl Winslow actually killed Steve Urkel.
Even though the guy who played Eddie
Winslow was the voice of Jazz in the
Transformers movie he’s still a douche.
Samuel L Jackson can kill you without breaking a sweat.
The restaurant in the movie Waiting isn’t real.
Ryan Reynolds has abs you could wash your clothes on.

#3 – Think before you shoot but shoot before you’re shot.
Keeping a cool head in moments of crisis is one of the greatest traits McClane can teach us. In adverse situations, it is imperative to maintain a reasonable mental state. Of course, in the pursuit of defending Truth, Justice, and The American Way, it may become necessary to stride boldly into the heart of the lion’s den and proclaim your intention of killing every motherfucker in the place. Whether that be by dropping someone off of a building, blowing up their plane, electrocuting their helicopter or shooting through your own body – just to prove that you’re better than they are.

It is wrong to kill every motherfucker
in the place without just cause. But
shooting through your own body to kill
someone is absolutely BAD ASS!!

#4 – Sometimes you just have to hit a bitch with a car.
It’s not fancy and it lacks a certain panache but it gets the fucking job done.

It is wrong to hit a bitch with a car.
No matter how efficient it may be.
Or how much she might actually deserve it.

#5 – To thine own self be true; no matter the consequences.
Your parents always told you that the best thing to do is to be yourself. Of course they weren’t counting you encountering terrorists, ex-militia, government malcontents or their ninja girlfriends. But McClane reinforces what your parents taught you. In every instance McClane could have simply given up, rolled over and probably put himself through less pain and suffering, but that’s not how John McClane rolls. He knows right from wrong, good from bad, and John McClane doesn’t back down from anyone – except that one time when he was challenged to a pie eating contest by Rosie O’Donnell. Sure you could stop fighting injustice, shut down your website and let the terrorists win, but that’s not what John McClane would do so it’s time to man the fuck up, go head long into the breach, and face your fears…it’s what McClane would do.

It’s not right to make fun of fat people.
Rosie O’Donnell can’t help being an over
bearing cunt – she’s got a glandular problem.
But fuck terrorists.

No seriously; fuck those guys.
They can burn in hell.

So the next time you find yourself in a tense situation or you’re thinking about throwing in the towel; take a moment, light up a smoke, reload your gun and ask yourself, “What Would John McClane Do?” And you’ll find that your best answer is to start kicking ass until there is no more ass left to kick.

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There Are 22 Responses So Far. »

  1. Oh thank goodness you added the disclaimer. I was about to contact the SF Chronicle to let them know you were at it again you little hatemonger you.

  2. They actually have an 800 number just for me

  3. I think this is some of the best writing I’ve read in a while, the disclaimers for sure help clear things up

  4. Can I get “What Would John McClane Do?” on a bumper sticker.

    Glad to know you’re still alive and kicking.

  5. That will forever be ingrained in my mind. “What Would John McClane Do?”

  6. Do they? About time. I mean, we couldn’t very well let you get away with being insensitive forever. We have a very melodramatic, racially sensitive and easily provoked reputation to protect here in California after all. I’m sure you understand.

  7. Don’t you think it’s ironic that a Gruber has a McClane for a role model? Hans was the man, Simon was a puss.

  8. M-man…that’s not irony. That’s sweet revenge.

    HKM – I think it needs to be on a bracelet

    Pete – I just didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.

  9. I called the 1-800 number they have for you, friend of hooker guy and it went right to voice mail on a tiny, immobilized robot…

  10. How about #6:
    When you are out of bullets, ram your car into a helicopter.

  11. There’s nothing funnier than a disclaimer.. Nothing.

    JMC writes disclaimers on bullets.
    (I just realized he has the same initials of another “great” man… Jesus Marmaduke Christ.. Amazing.)

  12. I say go for the bracelets. I would buy one.

    I already got the 9mm to go with it.

    TV

  13. Travis, I like the way your brain works.

  14. Do I smell a new cult emerging?

  15. this brokeback shit of a actor and person if thsi is your role model…….. you are SHIT. He CAnt make it a real shot out unless he say cut……….

  16. my hero is agent 47 from hitman and Al capone

  17. I used to have love. and it was pretty shit. Now i have some hate, and it fucking rules!!!

    A SMILE IS BACK ON MY FACE!!
    Now where can i get a fucking gun?

  18. you had me at hitting chicks with cars

  19. Trav, only thing i have aproblem with is the 9mm Beretta, not a horrible choice, but perhaps with truth, justice and the American way, we should use .45 ACP.

  20. OMG..I like me some Bruce Willis!! LOL
    Love the break down of how my idolization of sorts is legitimate!!

  21. I just reread this and I think I got a boner.
    I am going to give up my day job to wander the earth like Kane in Kung fu, but instead of dispensing pacifist bullshit, I will speak the truth of the McClane.

    Best of all I have had my own Berreta 9 mm for over twenty years.

  22. So where is my bumper sticker?

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